♥Happy 64th Birthday to me…

LOVE NOTE – Wednesday April 2nd, 2014

Dear Friends
64 Today!!

•*¨*•♫♪ ░HAPPY░ (¯”•.¸*♥♥♥* ¸.•”¯) ░BIRTHDAY░ ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ .•*¨`*ི♥ྀ░TO░░ME░♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥

Susie 64 b'day

WoW what a ♡LOVE filled day I have had and are still having with the messages keeping on flowing in from the northern hemisphere where they are just starting their day!!!!
It has actually been a whole beautiful birthday week full of blessings… 

A BIG THANK YOU to everyone for your ♡LOVE-ing Birthday wishes and all the many creative ways you have celebrated me.
I am definitely feeling FLOODED with ♡LOVE  - and I want you to know that one of my fondest wishes is each one of you does know that you are important to me and your good wishes are appreciated …. please do forgive me if I haven’t personally acknowledged you yet……..I’m working on it…..yet sitting at the computer or being on the phone doing that hasn’t been possible….. as there were so many FuN distractions I was being ‘called’ to do!!

It is a significant birthday I think.
When ♡Russ died in 2000, 11 weeks later I turned 50 and I have, and will always remember, that as a very significant birthday. Yes turning 50 is an important milestone in most people’s lives…… yet seeing my life partner had just died the message I got was it was the beginning of the second half of my life for me. And just 6 months later my darling ♡Shelton walked into my life……..and that began lots of new stories…….

Now it feels like on this 64th birthday so much of my past life has been ‘wiped out’ I am at the beginning of some very new part of my life.
Not sure what it is yet but that is OK♡
As I said last night, it feels like there is an opening in me to go to another level…..to go deeper, or to open more, or to expand my present…..

I notice signs.
I shared many in The ending of the First Stage P.F. [Post Fire] post:
- I have completed the first 90 DAY bracket for the year,
- there is the beginning of much new green growth at Warm Fuzzy Hill with the weather and season change, and
- the stunning Easter Lilies shoots coming through and blossoming…..

I am at the beginning of STAGE 2 – I am still deep in the process of mourning and grieving all there is about my beautiful home and life there being destroyed by the bush-fire….. Tonight I look up in to the beautiful crisp night air and see a very clear crescent moon – always for me a sign of the beginning of ‘the rise to the full….’

I found it so interesting this morning before I had turned on the computer one of the first thoughts I had was OMG!!……… the image I used with yesterday’s post was -
“I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back…..”
Interesting isn’t it in that there were a range of images and sentences I could pick from the whole poem and that was the one my unconscious picked – and I didn’t even realize it till the next morning. I do ♡LOVE that process!

“……..stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back…” WooHoo!

For now I offer a gift to you of a post I wrote for my birthday in 2012 -
My birthday wishes for you……it all feels soooooo relevant still. Please do go and check it out and take them all in.

This is my favourite photo from my birthday dinner tonight where I was gifted with the beautiful bear that ♡Toni made for me ably assisted by ♡Rick.

WFH-bday-Toni-Rosalie

Tah Dah!! Her name is Rosalie Bear. She is magnificent….a jointed one-of-a-kind unique type of bear that ♡Toni is an expert at making. Many of these wonderful creations were burned to ash and dust in both of our homes……Part of my wanting is sharing ‘stuff’ that helps people to understand more about the ache and sorrow that is in us. Maybe ♡Rosalie will help show that.

♡Rosalie feels to me like she is a symbol of both the beginning of new creations as well as a memento of the cherished old that has been destroyed – she wears a string of beads tarnished by the fire that were one of the few treasures that were salvaged from ♡Toni’s Stonievilla House ruins. Thank you dear friends for such a special gift from a very deep place in my heart.

I feel held and supported by a ♡LOVE-ing universe. May you too!
Here’s to a grand year ahead for us all…..
LOVE & much Gratitude, Susie

 ♡♥♡DAY 92365 Day Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign 

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“The Invitation” and Opening…….♥

LOVE NOTE – Tuesday April 1st, 2014

Dear LOVE-ing Ones

oriah-mountain-dreamer-love

Here we are in April - a whole brand new month to connect and explore and play and learn and celebrate and have adventures and to validate and be compassionate and be brave and kind and for us to inspire each other and ♡LOVE……..and lots more…..

Thought I’d check out Wikipedia for a tidbit of info about April. I found that the Romans gave this month the Latin name Aprilis but the derivation of this name is uncertain. The traditional etymology is from the verb aperire, “to open” in allusion to its being the season when trees and flowers begin to “open” ……..

And even though this is referring in particular to the Northern hemisphere it fits for me following on from my reference to our wonderful Easter Lilies in my post yesterday opening their gorgeous flowers which for me always signifies opening to our next glorious season.

So I’m choosing OPENING as the theme of the month for me
opening my mind, opening minds…..
opening my heart, opening hearts…..
opening doors…..

What Grand Opening is lurking……..or hanging about……or loitering around……just waiting  for you?…….

It feels like there is an opening in me to go to another soul level…..
When I get the hint that there is an invitation to go deeper, or to open more, or to expand my present, I often get drawn to poetry – either writing my own or to reading some of my favourite poetry.

Tonight I was led to “The Invitation” by ♡Oriah Mountain Dreamer which I feel moved to share here in full.

I so resonated with this preamble she wrote as well: [my layout]

“I wrote what I need to remember, what I need to hear again and again:
that life is full of beauty and pain;
that the world will break your heart and heal it,
over and over,
if you let it,
and that letting it do both is the only way to live fully;
that we are not alone but deeply connected to that which creates,
and sustains all life….”
_________________________________________

oriah-mountain-dreamer-invitation

“The Invitation” by ♡Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting
Your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals,
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
Without moving
To hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life
From its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
From the inside
When all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
With yourself,
And if you truly like the company you keep
In the empty moments.

Source: The Invitation

_________________________________________

Let’s invite and welcome April’s openings -
share what we ache for,
what we dare to dream of,
touch the center of our own sorrow,
sit with pain,
be with joy,
dance with wildness,
be true to ourself,
not betray our own soul,
and do what needs to be done while we stand in the center of the fire and not shrink back.

oriah-mountain-dreamer-fire

MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share with another about what impacts you the most or stands out for you in the “The Invitation” ….. And/Or on the topic of what are you OPENING to or would like to OPEN to this month?…..Have them MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal if you prefer.

Hooray for you and me, LOVE and Blessings, Susie

♡♥♡DAY 91365 Day Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign

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The ending of the First Stage P.F. [Post Fire]…

LOVE NOTE – Monday March 31st, 2014

Dear LOVE-ing Ones
I am feeling very very celebratory tonight.
WooooooHooooooo ……. Big Happy Dance :D

It’s DAY 90 of the 365 Day Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign!! – that’s right – and that means 3 MONTHS!! of daily posting for me…….. I’m over the moon with delight that I have “hung” in there for that time…..
I feel sooooooo good about it.
My posting everyday for 90 DAYS is probably the ONLY solid structure that I have had in my life over the past 11 weeks – it was 11 weeks P.F. [Post Fire] yesterday…..the only thing that I can rely on happening each and every day.
Like tonight when I get up to walk I feel like my legs are stuck in glue I feel so tired!!……. yet I will do what it takes to post…….I tell myself that is perseverance and showing up and commitment and being of my word….YaY!

I see it as success, sticking to an intention, having a direction – all things that have been lacking and feeling almost impossible for me to set up in terms of the bigger picture of my life P.F. [Post Fire] 

I have been struggling with getting over here to SusiesHeartPathBlog to post but have decided it is about time or another month is going to disappear. I have been thinking lots about you kind subscribers and value your patience. Posting will probably be a bit unpredictable and might even feel out of sequence over the next week as I catch up on the beginning to April. I appreciate your understanding and forbearance……..it may feel a bit like a flood after a very loooooong drought so my hoping is I won’t overwhelm you. I still intend to post the back log of posts from the beginning of the year and once I have April up-to-date I will start on them. My wish is you will stay journeying with me.

It is fascinating that today there has been a definite change in the weather after our veeeeerrrrry hot dry burning summer…….it started drizzling yesterday afternoon going into the evening and it’s been overcast today and drizzling on and off……and definitely colder…..brrrrrrrrrrr for getting in the pool which I am proud to say I still did yesterday…. 

This is my birthday week and it is the time of the year that is always the ending of our summertime here in the Hills of Perth – I find it remarkable that is coinciding with the end of this 90 DAY Action Plan and the beginning of another – which, until I find a more descriptive name, I will call:

The Next Stage P.F. [Post Fire]

The end of March-beginning to April is always the start of much new growth at Warm Fuzzy Hill which is heralded by the stunningly splendid Easter Lilies popping their heads through the hot dry summer hardened bare clay soil………
It is always feels like a miracle to me…..this year even more seeing the earth has been ravaged by the heat of the fire……some of the bulbs near and above the earth’s surface have been too scorched but we are still being gifted with a beautiful display….

WFH-Easter-lilliesP.F. [Post Fire] 

DSC02104

DSC02094

???????????????????????????????

B.F. [Before Fire]….…..Our beautiful Warm Fuzzy Hill and the Big Bear garden corner with the Easter Lilies starting to sprout up everywhere [28 March 2012]
I am still shocked every time I see the contrast – it makes my heart flinch……. and I feel myself just drop…… and retreat a little inside….

And it feels good after the rain that some of the dry powdery dustiness has settled…..I look forward to much more of that…..yet I am surprised that the harsh fire-burnt smell is still so strong and overpowering…..

I am choosing this to be The Beginning of STAGE 2.
April is the time to say our Goodbyes to our beautiful Home leading towards the demolition in May. I am not sure what will be included and what are the best ways to do this other than to keep some sacred time each day to do it…… One thing I choose is to not yet return to a full work load this April so that I do have both the physical and emotional space and time…….

So as this is the end of magnificent March I invite you to check out how you are going with any intentions you have set yourself ………with the REMINDER – ALL micro-move-ments are movement!!  Be great and grateful to hear of your celebrations of your achievements over the last few weeks………

Let us Welcome our southern Autumn and northern Springtime and new growth and new stages.

May you be feeling supported on your journey whatever that is and wherever you may be…  Wishing you LOVE and Beauty allways, Susie

♡♥♡DAY 90 - 365 Day Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign 

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HeArt & Beauty healing the devastation & destruction♥

LOVE NOTE – Sunday March 9, 2014

Hello Dear Friends♥ྀ

ART and BEAUTY are ways that I heal ♥°*”˜ ི♥ྀ˜”*°•.•.¸ღ

Today beautiful ♡Selk came to Warm Fuzzy Hill with a few of her arty-crafty friends with twine, wool, materials, ribbons, raffia, beads, etc…… with a mission to make some beautiful healing Art pieces………

WFH-Collage-selk-mel-kel

This came about as a few weeks back I was sharing with her how hard it is to keep looking at the devastation and destruction and ash and rubble and burnt trees and land and our wounded destroyed home…..
After witnessing the devastation herself she felt:
“called in my heart to do something to support them……” and so was born her idea to gather together people to create some beautiful art on the land which she named -

HE’ART’ Calling for Warm Fuzzy Hill…..

WFH-Mel-heart1Mel‘s heart creation hanging at the entrance archway feels like it is waving ♡heart energy over all who enter Warm Fuzzy Hill…….it is a beautiful reminder to use our ♡heart as the filter or lens to use to look at it all through – seeing through the eyes of ♡LOVE….

WFH-Mel-heart

WFH-Mel

WFH-Collage-Kel-SelkGorgeous women ♡Selk and ♡Kelly……sharing both their special presence and their beautifull works of He’Art at Warm Fuzzy….gifts that are so appreciated. ♡Kelly’s magnificent hanging now also welcoming all….

WFH-Kel-sculpture-hanging

Another magical serendipitous gift for me of the day was that we were being visited by a gorgeous and wonderful group of girls who are Year 10 boarders [about 15 yrs old] from the Iona Presentation College. They came with one of their house-mothers who is a graduate of one of our Couples Retreats who wanted to assist in some way with “the clean-up” of Warm Fuzzy Hill so she asked if any of the girls would like to come with her and help out.

Let me digress to tell you of my admiration for these kids. Today was the second time they have come and they exude such a youthful sense of enthusiasm and energy and fun…….AND generosity……♡Shelton has much enjoyed having them ‘scurrying and scampering around’ after him picking up the branches after he has chain-sawed them and filling the trailers………bit like a team of ants…… It so impresses and touches me to have these young girls give up a day of their weekend to come out and get so dirty and black and work hard in the heat for hours…….not a mobile phone or iPad or any other computer devices anywhere to be seen…..no slacking off or whinging of any sort……..AND we have not known any of these kids before they came! Truly A-M-A-Z-I-N-G don’t you think!

WFH-Iona-girlsSo today they were doing more of the “dirty work” out on the land with ♡Shelton and came back for a break for lunch……. and came over to take a look at what we were doing…………… I was sitting watching ♡Kelly in the process of creating her hanging using colourful wool and sticks……..it took me speedily back to many years ago when I was in my early twenties when I used to make what we called God’s eyes…..where you weave brightly coloured wool or yarn on a simple frame of crossed sticks……we used to hang them everywhere and anywhere……. outside on trees and on verandahs and inside houses……such a beautiful way to brighten up many a corner.

I picked up a couple of twigs and some wool and started winding and straight away were in the flow…….doesn’t it amaze you how you can start doing something that you haven’t done for what seems like forever – I haven’t made Gods eyes for probably 40 years – and it all comes rushing back like you were doing it yesterday!!…..

A couple of the girls were just sitting on the ground quietly watching so I asked if they would like to have a go…….

WFH-god's-eye-Susie

And then with what seemed like very little time at all, there they were, ALL of the girls sitting there on the ground in the dirt TOTALLY absorbed…… so engrossed in making Gods eyes……with very little instruction and no experience of making them before…..I just adore the energy of the photo below…….the girls are so fully immersed in the moment I feel nurtured just looking at them……..I hope the photo does the energy justice as it was such a gift to be in their presence…..it even still feels healing to me just thinking about it now…..

WFH-Iona-girls-creatingThe girls all made a beautiful piece and I asked if they would like to take them home with them or hang them at Warm Fuzzy. I was astonished they all immediately chose Warm Fuzzy……..So we invited them to think of a quality they would like to add to their Gods eye that would be sent out on the wind……qualities that we would all imagine spreading over Warm Fuzzy Hill as well as out into the destroyed lands from the fires all around us and then even further out into the world……as well as individually for each person to take those qualities home with them in their own hearts….♡

Huge Thank you ♡Bella for Peacefulness & Bliss, ♡Rhaquelle for Balance, ♡Bronte for Freedom & Security, ♡Carly to spread Serenity, ♡Lara for Creativity & Joy,  ♡Cat for Happiness & Smiles, ♡Michelle for Peace & Beauty, and both ♡Selk and I chose Gratitude & LOVE

WFH-Ge-Iona-girls

WFHCollage-Godseyes

WFH-Collage-Iona-girls2While I was in the middle of writing this post I felt called to look up the traditional meaning of the Gods eye hangings and was both amazed and it feels totally right what I discovered. The discovery is even more amazing seeing there was no talk or intention prior to my sitting down with ♡Kelly of Gods eyes……

The Ojo de Dios (Eye of God in Spanish) is woven with yarn and wood, often with several colors. The weaving of an Ojo de Dios is an ancient contemplative and spiritual practice for many indigenous peoples in the Americas, and beliefs surrounding them vary with location and history…… they are created for celebration or blessing, presented as a gift or designed to bless a home………young people in the mountains of New Mexico have made them in wisdom circles with their elders……The God’s Eye is symbolic of the power of seeing and understanding that which is unknown and unknowable to the physical eye, The Mystery. The four points represent the elemental processes: Earth, Fire, Air, and Water. The Huichol call their God’s eyes Sikuli, which means “the power to see and understand things unknown.” Reference: Wikipedia.

I find this simply remarkable and miraculous. You see last night I was writing about how I was reflecting on what will be the focus I choose for my New Year beginning on my birthday on April 2nd…….and how there is a scary feeling for me since the bush-fires and our homelessness around the whole idea of what does the future hold? In fact what is my future and direction? I ended my ramblings with maybe my focus for this year is living in the NOT knowing…..and having FAITH…….and how that feels like a BIG S-T-R-E-T-C-H.

And then I find “The God’s Eye is symbolic of the power of seeing and understanding that which is unknown and unknowable to the physical eye, The Mystery.”!!…….I send out a prayer of Gratitude. It feels symbolic and like a message for me I will know the meaning of all this destruction and devastation when it is time to know.

Thank you dear ♡Selk for creating this space, for opening me into my wisdom and knowing ………into that place inside me where I am reminded I am allways taken care of……… and thank you to all the girls…….simply and profoundly……much Gratitude and LOVE♡

WFH-Ge-gratitude-love

 “Our true home is the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now. Peace is all around us – in the world and in nature – in our bodies and in our spirits. Once we learn to touch this peace, we will be healed and transformed. It is not a matter of faith; it is a matter of practice. We need only to find ways to bring our body and mind back to the present moment so we can touch what is refreshing, healing and wondrous”         ~♡Thich Nhat Hanh.

We have so many reasons to be happy.
The Earth is filled with love for us, and patience.
Walking mindfully, we are nourished by the trees, the bushes,
the flowers and the sunshine.
We rely on the Earth, and the Earth relies on us.
Whether the Earth is beautiful, fresh, and green, or arid and parched,
depends on our way of walking.
Please walk gently on the Earth. ~ ♡Thich Nhat Hanh

Treading gently & purposefully & with grate-FULL-ness for serendipity & Beauty – and of course YOU….

LOVE & Blessings, Susie

NOTE: ♡Selk and I are planning another He’Art’ Calling for Warm Fuzzy Hill event in a few weeks. We especially want to honour the house and ritually say a fond and grateful Goodbye before it is demolished. We will advise the date very soon. ALL are welcome. Please let us know if you are interested in participating either here in the comments or on the He’Art’ Calling for Warm Fuzzy Hill Facebook page  or message either of us. If you are unable to attend and you would like to make something that is wonderful and welcomed too :)

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diving deeply into grieving….the sacred process of ritually saying Goodbye♥

LOVE NOTE – Thursday March 6, 2014

grieving

Dearests

I apologize for neglecting posting here on Susies♥heartpathblog. Two facts have contributed to this. Firstly, I made a commitment to do a post every day for 2014 on the 365 Day Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign Group Facebook page which I share about here and secondly, my life has been thrown into much turmoil and upheaval and chaos since the bush-fire 7 and a half weeks ago.

Yet at the same time WooHoo!! I celebrate me as it is ★Day 65 today and I have done ★65 posts on the Facebook Group page!! Only 300 to go!! :D ………. I really do appreciate myself for honouring my commitment / intention of posting daily……….Gosh it has been a BIG struggle some/lots of days, but I have persevered and stuck with it for a number of reasons….the biggest ones I think are because I have declared my intention publicly and also that the Facebook Group are beautifully holding and supporting my intention.

It is awesome how much energy and accountability declaring your intention publicly adds to any goal /intention. If you haven’t tried this already I recommend that you do a little experiment and publicly declare an action that you are setting yourself and keep reporting in with an Accountability Group or buddy about how you are going……….friends1

 

If you are looking for an Accountability Group you are very welcome to join the 365 Day Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign Group if you would like to be part of a beautiful group of ♡LOVE-ing souls with big ♡hearts who daily inspire and support each other to be all they can be. Request an invitation to join HERE

 

Honouring my commitment has been a wonderful experience for me as firstly I do feel sooooooo good when I honour my commitments……..and as well, one of my intentions for this year is writing and doing a post daily…….  On top of this having to write has created a structure for me and some sense of “normality” and routine in my upside-down and roller-coaster world…….and it has been a good medium for me to share about some of the angst of the long, hard often painful days….. 

What I did originally intend to do was to post both there as well as expanding and adding to some of the topics here on the blog. What usually happens is that I get to the end of a full and tiring day that often feels like it has been eons loooooooong……..and I write my post for the 365 Day Being-♥LOVE page quite late at night before falling into bed half asleep………..with little or no energy to come over here to the blog and write some more…..To overcome that what I have done tonight is write here first :) …..Finally!!

Recording my experiences about the bush-fire and the devastation and death of our home is important to me……actually somehow it even feels crucial! The big advantage of having it on the blog feels like I am much better able to archive it all here….and it is open for all whereas the 365 Day Being-♥LOVE Group is a closed Group…….A big wish for me is that as things settle into more of a “normal rhythm” I will have the time to do both the 365 Day Being-♥LOVE page as well as the blog AND be able to transfer some of the more significant posts of January from the 365 Day page over here to the blog. That is my intention and yet things returning to “normal” seems like a very long w-a-y off STILL………..so I choose not to weigh myself down with making a definite date for when this will happen……..Keep a look out for posts that are back dated between now and 12th January…

My “flip-out” in the last post feels momentous to me as does the responses I received….. please know I am grateful for ALL of you and I feel you as ALL part of the journey even if you just show up silently……… it is special to know you are visiting here and checking in and hearing me and getting me……….being gentle and ♡LOVE-ing with me……….soothing me…….all in your own unique ways…….helping me to grieve and let go of all that was precious and cherished by me………… and standing with me in spirit as I take very little baby steps toward creating a new life and memories. Thank You……… your ♡LOVE and caring is precious……

As I wrote in my post I feel broken-♡hearted, broken at the soul-level, broken at my very essence…….broken and in pain…the sorrow and melancholy is deep and aching and tender and sore……
I feel so grateful that I was able to honour those aching places in me……..it reminded me of how I got through the grieving time after ♡Russ died………by diving deeply into the pool of grief and mourning…..

The morning of the day ♡Russ died we had alerted our community of family and friends that he was close to death and people were arriving at Warm Fuzzy throughout the day……. and when he died at 4pm the preparations were in place for us all to gather together for an all-night vigil from dusk to dawn in the tipi he built…….with many different people leading a range of farewell and honouring rituals……..which was such an intense and precious night of ♡LOVE and respect and celebration and mourning and grieving……

The next morning arrived and with it the funeral directors……and the “real” gut-wrenching Goodbyes……… not sure whether we would ever physically see him again……

What I learned about grieving was the more deeply I dove into it the more the healing happened……I had an epiphany the first time I was feeling my grief alone after his funeral and cremation ……what I did was gather up all the ‘things’ that reminded me of him and us……the cards, the letters, the photos, the special gifts and mementos, his clothes with his smell still in them and I had them all spread out in front of me in our room and with our favourite music playing……and I would just dive into the pain and ♡heart-break of missing everything about him and cry. and cry. and cry. with big heaving sobs….so so deeply that I thought I might die it was so intense…

Yet what I realized was that there was a part of me doing the diving into and there was another part of me just observing it all like a silent witness holding it all….it felt like that part was there to keep me safe and hold it all…..and it did……over and over again each time the grief would well up in me until I had cried all the tears that were inside me till I felt cleared and at peace……and could function…….. until it would all fill up again and I would have to go and cry them out again…….it became a very sacred process of ritually saying Goodbye to everything about him and our life together…..and my need to do it got less and less as time went on……

It feels like this is a good template of how I need to say goodbye to our home at Warm Fuzzy Hill……definitely made more difficult as there is no safe space that is mine that is left to go do this grieving in and certainly very little left of the treasures that remind me of our life at Warm Fuzzy….As I am describing this I see I am needing to get creative at setting this up…..
I will……♡

On December 31st some of you will remember that I wrote on my blog “I choose 2014 as the Year of LOVE♡ – to REALLY experience life through the lens of ♡LOVE….. to be a ♡LOVE-Finder…….I see growing my ability to ♡LOVE and be compassionate as the very strong and essential purpose of my life…..to remember that I am ♡LOVE, that we all are ♡LOVE and that is what we are here for……”

I am open to continue walking and exploring the path of Being-♥LOVE …..yet right now 2014 feels like the Year of Destruction and Devastation and Displacement…… I do feel surrounded by and held by the ♡LOVE of you all and many others…… yet at a very core level the loss and pain is overriding it…………Yet I am willing to accept the challenge of continuing to walk the ♥heart path with grace and ease and support……..

LOVE and Gratefullness, Susie

Embark on the Journey of ♡Love
                   It takes you from yourself to your self. ~ Rumi♡

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broken-♥hearted and dispirited and displaced

LOVE NOTE – Monday February 10, 2014

Hello Friends

Today is Monday February 10, 2014. now 4 weeks since.

since my life was destroyed. and it isn’t getting easier with time….

I am feeling utterly exhausted. I am so tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. times 1 b-i-l-l-i-o-n.

Actually not just tired, not just overwhelm……it is feeling broken…….broken-♡hearted, broken at the soul-level, broken at my very essence…….broken and in pain…the sorrow and melancholy is deep and aching and tender and sore……

The black cockatoos fly in to visit and they circle and circle ……..and circle around yet again screeching loudly and plaintively……echoing the screeches inside my head, inside my heart, inside my soul, circling and circling ….. coming every afternoon looking for……lamenting for their favourite trees I am imagining………..especially the beautiful biggest old ancient ones that were killed on the top of our driveway……..their trees…….

WFH-tree-driveway

Today a flock of at least 50 of them rose and circled around and then flew off giving me the gift of a magnificent curtain of wings………. filling my ears with a 1000 mournful cries…so heart breaking to hear such a cry……to hear my cry inside. outside.

People are so keen for us to get on with our life ……so keen for us to stay positive……
“How you going?”…. they ask…most caringly….
They don’t really want to hear me answer it is shit. shit. shit. and I hate it……..and my heart is in pieces…..as is my life….

…….I’m fucking tired of hearing about new beginnings……about new shoots struggling and finding a way up and out of the dirt…..about there always being a way OUT or THROUGH or AROUND or UNDER or OVER or BEYOND or……………about the phoenix rising from the ashes……..

I am in the blackened dirty DIRT…….feeling buried and broken and dispirited…….covered by the ashes and the broken rubble and shattered debris…….and the twisted mangled iron and the tortured battered tin…….and the blackened burnt and charred wood……and melted molten glass….

WFH-house-ruins

WFH-ruins

There is so much to mourn and grieve………so much to say Goodbye to……..so much that has gone……..is destroyed……is devastated………is wrecked……..is ruined……is ended

The ending of the old………needs sitting with…….not running forward full speed ahead thinking about re-building or not-building…….about house plans and site works and goodness knows what…..about new standards for high-risk bushfire prone areas……about thickened glass windows, steel framework, contaminant free buildings…….

I have been grieving and sharing about the loss of my stacks and stacks and stacks of collected treasures and all my precious. precious. things…….but do you know what??……even with all the enormous-gut-wrenching-pain-at-losing-so-much……all that is overshadowed by the lack of NORMALITY……..

…..lack of being able to walk into and sit down in MY home…..in MY rooms and MY space…..at MY desk……on MY chair…….open MY filing cabinet……..look out MY windows……lie on MY bed…….or use MY stuff or MY tools or MY equipment or MY utensils……..and listen to MY music………or go to MY fridge or MY cupboards and find the organic food that I like………and choose MY linen or wear MY clothes bought on umpteen trips here there and everywhere………

To not be able to walk out into MY garden and be nourished by the peace and beauty……to not be able to visit with MY favourite plants and bushes and creepers and trees….to not be able to smell the jasmine, the honeysuckle, the gardenia, the lavender, the rosemary…….the roses…… all dead or dying…..it is like a lot of MY best friends have died…..you may think I am ridiculous in connecting to MY home and MY garden in this intimate way……..so be it……..that is who I am….and how I feel…..

It is heart breaking to have lost my sense of direction…..and not knowing where to find it……and not having the strength to feel that starting again is an option …….and hard for me to understand………hard for me to explain…..

And yet I do feel positive many times……do feel the earth putting forth new shoots and new energy and feel excited……….yet there are times when it all feels just toooooo hard……when I don’t feel strong enough, courageous enough, young enough, fit and healthy enough, have what it takes enough……….to climb that hill that just feels too high…….

I guess all I can do then is just be real……….

painfully, sadly and sorrowfully, Susie♡ 

WFH-hillpath

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