release & replace stress, tension & trauma with an open flow of energy♥

♥LOVE TIP – Saturday 26th May, 2012 

Hello ♥LOVELIES,

We flew into cold, wet, grey, early-wintery, MELBOURNE on Thursday evening….yet don’t get me wrong though – we do still ♥LOVE being in Melbourne………

And this weekend we are participating over three days in a Workshop on Energy Tapping Techniques [SET] and Trauma Release Exercises [TRE] presented by the dynamic team of ♥Steve Wells who is an Energy Psychology pioneer  [http://www.eftdownunder.com] and ♥Richmond Heath, a Physiotherapist who is Australia’s only Level 3 TRE trainer [see http://www.traumareleaseexercises.com.au/]…

Richmond & Steve

For now I just want to share some basics and some highlights for me. Looking up the links will provide much for those eager for more….Both of these techniques are excellent ♥TOOLS and RESOURCES  to use when you are stuck/overwhelmed/despairing/off-track and as well for daily use to maintain a general overall state of emotional and physical well-being.

 

SET - Simple Energy Techniques, developed by Steve Wells and Dr. David Lake, a user-friendly energy tapping technique you can use to reduce your emotional stress.

TRE - Tension and Trauma Release Exercises, developed by David Berceli, PhD – A simple series of exercises that initiate your body’s natural shaking mechanism to release chronic stress and tension held in the muscles.

We have been learning about and exploring ways to combine the healing power of these two powerful techniques and practising them to facilitate gentle and effective relief of tension, trauma, anxiety, and general life stress. A really important aspect of it and a main reason I was attracted is how to relieve stress and trauma (of all kinds) without reliving it! For a full description of the workshop and more detail and links to both of these great guys and the work of each see http://www.eftdownunder.com/tretapmel.html. I do highly recommend this work.

Says Steve of his study in TRE: “Training in TRE reminded me of the crucial importance of the body in helping us to process what has happened to us – and in order to do this the material must be processed effectively – and also just how much tension we have stored in our muscles and cells about which we are not fully aware. This stress and tension is even now draining our life energy and preventing us from living our lives fully. I also realised the potential for expansion from clearing that tension, and accessing higher states, which we cannot access as long as our bodies are bound up by the tension of past traumatic experiences and the general stresses of living….” [My emphases]

Some highlights and learnings and reminders for me have been:

What you are overwhelmed by/triggered by /reacting to is WHAT IS IN YOUR OWN BODY.

This is whether is it is an actual threat or a perceived threat. A ‘perceived threat’ sets off your alarm/defense system in the same way as an actual threat. This is clearly shown by muscle testing when people are asked to tune into the energy of something that creates panic for them, for instance. Examples like public speaking, claustrophobia and fear of heights are easily seen yet emotional states like disapproval, abandonment, rejection and other emotional examples are not so observable. We develop patterns of tension and stress in our bodies. The real problem is our nervous system activation and what to do about calming it and discharging the activation.

I valued their very clear description of for instance, claustrophobia is fear of what it feels like inside my body when I am in a closed space – NOT a fear of closed spaces.
Rejection is fear of what it feels like inside my body when someone doesn’t choose me or pushes me away. Such important distinctions to make.

Every time you get triggered the gun is inside you! 
Rather than saying:- You have triggered me……. Replace it with and say:-
You have pulled my trigger that is inside me. Isn’t that a remarkably brilliant way of describing it? A great way of reminding yourself each time you are triggered that it is you that needs to do the work that is inside you!

Ask what is under threat?  Ask what has been challenged inside you?
If there is a charge/reaction there inside your body you will have an unresolved trauma or stress pattern inside you……
And you will be acting out of an unresolved habitual automatic, default trauma/tension/stress reaction.

This is one of the golden gifts of relationship. Every time in relationship that your buttons get pushed or ‘the other’ has pulled your trigger that is inside you, you have another chance to come face-to-face with and work with your unresolved “stuff”….but unfortunately what we mostly do is point the finger at ‘the other’ blaming them and saying it is their fault that we are feeling how we do.

The emotions you feel are what is true inside your own body……Our bodies are great messengers of our belief systems and subconscious mind. And what if you had the ability to allow yourself to feel the charge in your body when you get aroused? And to discharge it?……

What is especially valuable is both SET and TRE are techniques that anyone can learn and do themselves to work with and release their unresolved “stuff”…..

To quote http://www.traumareleaseexercises.com.au/tre-info/stress-vs-trauma/where you can find more detailed information but just to keep it simple here, recent research (called Polyvagal theory as developed by Dr Stephen Porgess) has shown our bodies have 3 main defence responses (neurological states):

1. social engagement - whether they are friend or foe – when we experience ’the other’ as friend communication increases, our bodies are calm and relaxed and we are open and engaged and curious with whatever we are experiencing and growth and well-being is promoted
2. mobilisation: FIGHT or FLIGHT – we mobilise our energy to flee or fight an event – (and we are usually not very successful if the stressor is emotional or psychological in nature!)
3. immobilisation: FREEZE or FLOP – if we are unable to flee or fight the stressor (especially if it is an emotional experience within us) our bodies begin to shut down and collapse

Most people aren’t aware when they are in the FREEZE state. FREEZE can often look like being COMPLIANT. Richmond has taken on the practice of saying “I am feeling frozen” rather than “I am feeling nothing”…..and then getting curious about what is going on….. what has been triggered…….. When we can’t deal with how we feel in our bodies we will use various compulsive behaviours to stop ourselves from feeling it – which are all of our addictions. Good to check out whether you are in ‘calming down’ or ‘closing down’……

Many are unaware of the little stressors and triggers that send their bodies into defensive responses every day – “any event that is stressful that we don’t fully recover from to a completely calm and relaxed state (think of the body of a sleeping child, soft and totally relaxed) effectively becomes stored and held as tension in the body as a ‘mini trauma.’”……. Over time, these all build up and result in tension, holding and eventually pain and a range of chronic health conditions and stiffening rigid bodies which are thought of as ‘normal ageing’ rather than realising it is a sign that we are chronically in defensive body states……

Question for you: what impacts and stands out for you that you would like to explore more?

♥MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share your responses with another and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal.

Such great ♥TOOLS that I intend to learn fully and to use daily. I really get a sense of how the stiffness and inflexibility of parts of my body are related to deeper stuff and am expectant and excited to bring back freedom and flow.

Imagining a smooth and open flow of energy and movement and ♥LOVE for all, with Blessings, Susie♥

music & songs as RAAK – random acts of art & ♥kindness

♥LOVE TIP – Saturday 19th May, 2012 

♥Hellooooooooooo Lovelies all over the world,

♥Friends are so special in the way they lift us up and encourage, energize and enthuse us…..how they seem to ‘be programmed’ to drop by just when we need them….. either in the physical or by phoning us or by all the other wonderful means we have now with technology – texts, emails, Facebook messages and links, comments on blogs, Pinterest….and oodles of other mediums……

And so it was for me with my friend ♥Hilary starting my day with her post on Facebook  this morning sending a link to this special gift -

It’s now about 5 hours later and the music is still in the background in my mind…..Wow thinks I, how important it is to have a selection of pieces of music/songs on our iTunes or wherever we play our music j-u-s-t simply b-e-c-a-u-s-e!……..  AND also following on from my last post - it’s another way to inspire us when we are stuck/overwhelmed/despairing/off-track….

The lovely ♥Susan sweetums included dancing to LOUD music in her comment to that same post as did gorgeous ♥Hilary….all you lovely Comment-ers are helping me to compile a list of what to do when we are stuck/overwhelmed/despairing/off-track…please keep them coming…….

So another thing I am adding to that list is looking at and listening to inspiring YouTube Videos….just going back through the blog you will find plenty of mine. It has just occurred to me that I need to add inspiring ♥Videos as a Category so that they are easy to find…… Just did it. inspiring ♥Videos Category added. I’ll go back through the posts next week and add those posts with a video to the category.

Question for you: What Music, Songs, and Videos inspire, enthuse, energize, revitalize, rejuvenate and motivate you AND especially which ones when you are stuck/ bogged-down/overwhelmed /off-track / despairing/…… Feeling helpless/ hopeless/ like giving up/ weighed down……….?

♥MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share your responses with another and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal. Please share the links to your favourites in the comments below.

To me what these folks in the video are doing is a ♥Random Act of Kindness or as well I would call it a ♥Random Act of Art& Kindness – a RAAK! 

I am giving a Big Shout Out of Gratitude to all the musicians in the world. How much ♥JOY and Delight and Nourishment and Healing you bring to so many…..

There are many musicians that I ♥LOVE who nourish & fill my soul. The very beautiful ♥Chloe Goodchild is one of them.  Please visit http://www.thenakedvoice.com to find out more about the music and work of ♥Chloe and The Naked Voice…For those of you in London where she is based, or Dublin where she visits regularly, if you can catch any of her live concerts or trainings it would be amazing. She’s truly a gorgeous spirit! Incredibly healing. We spent 5 days singing with her up at the Hollyhock Retreat Centre in British Columbia a couple of years ago. We will make a trip to England one day just to do some more work with her…..Enjoy her chant Om Tara.

Woman of the wisdom tree
Goddess of humanity
Singing of the unity we long for
Mother of Eternity
Naked in her mystery
Singing of the unity we long for
Fierce and gentle, wild and free
Simple in her majesty
Dancing in the unity we long for

The way I see it doing whatever we need to do to be happy and ♥LOVE-ing and kind isn’t really optional either for ourselves or to the people around us……..Quoting ♥Lynne McTaggart:  

“Few of us are conscious enough to recognize how contagious our thoughts are and how deeply they affect others. After all, your thoughts are affecting everything and everybody at every moment.

For instance, did you know that your negative thinking affects the major organs of those you associate with — even their ability to fight disease? Or that when you are unhappy (even without showing it), you are unconsciously affecting everyone with whom you come into contact and in turn their entire network of contacts — for the worst?”

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥May your day be full of precious sounds and melodies, JOY-fully, Susie♥

“Begin today.
Declare out loud to the universe that you are willing to let go of struggle and eager to learn through joy.” ~ ♥Sarah Ban Breathnach

NOTE: Wondering if you understand Categories and Tags that you see at the bottom of the post. If you don’t leave a comment and I’ll include some info about them.

what inspires you when you are stuck/overwhelmed/despairing/off-track?

♥LOVE TIP – Monday 14th, 2012 

Hello FRIENDS♥

I have found that Inspiration and Encouragement can come in many forms and from many different sources and arrive when we are least expecting it………….

Spirit is generous!…. Like, for example just a couple of hours ago I came out of a meeting with my assistant where we were discussing and planning our 90 Day Action Plan for our business. I was feeling generally unclear and overwhelmed with all the tasks to do with regards to re-designing our business to take a new direction which includes new branding, creating a new website, designing new courses – both face-to-face and webinars and e-courses, new brochures, etc, etc, etc, etc…..all of this happening at the same time as continuing in our regular day-to-day business tasks as well as planning for our upcoming Events……….”It’s too much, can’t do it……..”  a voice in my brain is telling me……….”let’s just go on with what we have always done…….”

So with these words noisily in my head I turn to check my emails and right there at the top of the Inbox is my daily Biz Tip of The Day: “Success is like an airplane: most of the energy is spent getting off the ground”….Hilton Johnson……..Oh thank you. I remember we’ve done it all before. We CAN get off the ground again……..

AND as well as being open to messages and gifts from Spirit it is also good to have a store of Resources that inspire and motivate us when we most need it when our brain and feelings have shut down to seeing the possibilities and the positive and the clear path of direction ahead of us……..

There seems to be lots going on for people right now……As well as my own challenges I’m in touch with many people (both in my personal life and professionally) who are currently facing many difficult hardships (some of them life-threatening even)……….and others undertaking a range of tasks and projects to re-design and re-build their lives and relationships in many different ways so I thought it was timely to focus on the topic of Inspiration.

What and who are the resources, books, strategies, people, ♥TOOLS that you turn to that nurtures and feeds you when things feel impossible / stuck/ bogged-down/overwhelming /off-track / despairing/…… Feeling helpless/ hopeless/ like giving up/ like giving in / weighed down……….?

I would value this being a collaboration - like me sharing some ideas and you sharing too so that we can come up with a collection of Resources and bright ideas we can all turn to when we need some energy, encouragement, inspiration, enthusiasm, motivation………support……

My beautiful daughter ♥Freea [who like me is an avid collector of quotes] and I have shared this favourite quote  from Lewis Carroll for many years…..which has delighted and inspired and reminded us …Encouraged us. Enthused us……. Made us laugh…… Set us back on track…. you know THOSE times when things are feeling like they are stacking up or there are tasks that feel daunting and sometimes like very high mountains to climb….like you will need every bit of your motivation and determination and spirit and resources behind you…..

……..sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!!!!! would stand out……..and ring in my ears…………as I read the quote in messages from her……[she actually had it on the footer on her email for a while]……. which would get me to thinking:…..Oh well, one ‘impossible task‘ is certainly do-able!!

Question for you: What inspires and motivates you when you are stuck/ bogged-down/overwhelmed /off-track / despairing/…… Feeling helpless/ hopeless/ like giving up/ like giving in / weighed down……….?

♥MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share your responses with another and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal. And then share with us in the comments below.

So one thing that inspires me is Quotes which I have a large collection of………and another is hearing about inspiring people and their Stories so here’s a treat for you: Arthur’s Inspirational Transformation! - Never, Ever Give Up. 

Please read more of Arthur’s story here.

I look forward to receiving links to your favourite inspiring stories.

Imagining you surrounded by positive, uplifting energy…….. ♥Blessings to you, ♥LOVE Susie. 

♥Happiest Mother’s Day – you matter!

♥LOVE TIP – Monday 7th, 2012 

Hello Lovely ONES♥

 A Mother Understands What A Child does not say……..
true for you or NOT? ……..

For many it is not true. Says K:

 ”i have major issues with my mother. with one week til mother’s day. it’s getting painful. i don’t speak with my mother. she has hurt me too much in the past. i have forgiven and gone back to trying to forge a healthy relationship with her but it just doesn’t work. i have had years of psychotherapy to heal myself and it’s still a work in progress but all the while they do nothing to change or have healthy relationships with their children……” 

Such poignant sharing. Can you relate?  Mothers have such a tremendous impact on our lives…….I’m wondering what was/is your relationship like with your mother?  In my work many come to explore their relationships with significant people in their early life. One of the most re-occurring and common themes people share is about estrangement and separation and alienation between them and their mothers. There is much deep pain and disconnection…….many with aching, broken hearts and a longing for ♥LOVE, and yet this longing is often covered up by ‘a bravado’ and many false beliefs people have about themselves…..

False beliefs and negative self-talk such as: – I’m not lovable, I’m the problem; it doesn’t matter what I do it will never be good enough; I can’t rely on anybody; it’s all my fault; I’m a joke; I’m stupid; I don’t deserve……I’m not worthy; I’m to blame; I don’t fit in; I don’t belong; there’s basically something wrong with me; others will always let you down; I’m inadequate, inferior, defective; I don’t have a right to exist; you can’t trust anyone ……….and so on……and on………

Then I think about babies and little children and instantly images come of how precious and almost unbelievably beautiful these little beings are. How remarkable, how unique, how marvelous!! Children aren’t born thinking such things about themselves!!  Children are born ready to ♥LOVE and to receive ♥LOVE….So what happens……?

Then I think about new parents, about new mothers……..and the first time they hold their babies and the deep amount of  ♥LOVE they feel ……….The promises they make to themselves that they will do whatever it takes to be the best parent they can…..

 

And yet…..…… children don’t come with Instruction Books! AND parents [and all adults] come with a history…….with ‘baggage’….set/default beliefs, opinions, behaviours, responses….

Are you a parent as well as a daughter or a son? Do you remember that first time you held your baby and the depth of ♥LOVE you felt? …..The promises you made to yourself that you would do whatever it took to be the best parent you could…..

And now…… without having had good Instruction Books, are you at a stage where your children don’t listen to you? And as well what about the way you listen and the way you talk? Are you kind and gentle and respecting, valuing and validating? Have you paid attention to these? Do you have good communication skills?……

Are you getting curious? What do you do or say in reaction to your children?  What sets you off? There is gold in your reactions.  Study your responses.  Do you see a pattern? Your children can trigger your greatest nightmare or they can be your greatest teachers – it’s your choice.  All parents have times when they find themselves doing or saying things to their children that are against their deeper values. “I don’t want to yell at my children, they just push my buttons and I get so mad I can’t seem to stop myself”……

So what happens to this ♥LOVE and cherishing as they grow up,…… as we grew up? Where does the preciousness go, the sense of cherishment, the marvelling at their/our perfection….Where does that fierce sense of protection and caring and looking after go? The ♥LOVE-ing and being ♥LOVE-able and ♥LOVE-d………Why does the criticising start, the judgements,….the complaining…….the neglect…..?

And here we are again with childhood conditioning automatically and invisibly directing our lives. From earliest childhood, our brains as well as our parents’ brains, are formed and wired according to what is repeated in environments around us. It is important to identify what is your unconscious childhood template of a ♥LOVE-ing parent-to-child relationship……as well as having an understanding of the unconscious template of our parents…..Childhood experiences affect parenting.

In the post DAILY ♥LOVE TIP – Saturday September 17, 2011 - With what is your ♥child living?….I share a few of my favourite images to show how strong this influence is…..

Parenting programs need to include helping people to understand their emotional responses to their children and how their childhood experiences affect their parenting and how to change this if what they are doing isn’t working. And by working I mean that both the parent and the child are happy.

I value K sharing above so honestly reminding us that there are always many different experiences happening at once in relation to what can seem like a ‘neutral’ topic. Her sharing painfully expresses that Mother’s Day can trigger and bring up much pain and hurt…..and yes this does show there is still healing to do…..and yes there are many ways to work with this wounding whether you are the child as K is, or if you are the mother…… always such very tender and moving work….

So here’s an ♥EXERCISE for you:

Each day for the next 30 days for a minimum of 5 minutes visualize your mother relating to you in detail in any ways that you want her to:–
♥hear her saying to you the words you want to hear,
♥feel her touching you how you want,
♥see her being with you in ways that you want – the actions, the behaviours;
See/hear/feel/experience her doing what you long for…….

You could even find images of what you want to be happening in magazines, on Google images, or you may even have photos of her being the ways you want in the past…..and put them where you will regularly see them…or make a collage….or vision board…..

An example in my life is one of the things that I wanted from my mother was to be able to sit either on the floor in front of her or on the couch next to her and put my head on her lap and have her stroke my hair.
We didn’t have a relationship that included that sort of affection and nurturing and she never did that for me……..
So what I did was visualize her doing just that with all the full body experiencing and feeling of being in the moment of it…the caressing, the tenderness, the gentleness, taking the time,……..
The consequence of doing this is when I think of her (she’s dead now) that is a memory that I associate with her….as well as having the body feeling of it…..

So the celebration of Mother’s Day is this coming Sunday here in Australia and in other parts of the world and we have suggested ♥MOTHERS as a special FOCUS for the MAY 30 Day Being-♥LOVE Campaign.….Many have creatively accepted the challenge and have chosen a variety of tasks to do…If you are one of those participating I’m wondering how you are going after the first week and would welcome hearing your updates ….both the impact on you and whoever you are focusing on……please share your stories with us……and as Ramona’s sharing shows it may be bitter-sweet…..

Questions for you: What is being touched in you as you read this post? As a child what is the most important thing that you get from your mother? As a child what is/are the things that you are missing getting from your mother?As a parent what is/would be most important for you to pass onto your child(ren)?

♥MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share your responses with another and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal.

Imagine all mothers being filled with much joy and gratefulness when thinking of their children at whatever age they are. And turn it around and imagine everyone feeling grateful for the extraordinary and magnificent human being their mother is. Imagine how different the world would be if it was the norm for everyone to learn how to be a parent. How absurd it is that we don’t prioritize and actually make it compulsory education for everyone to learn the information and ♥TOOLS and skills to navigate this most important journey – the foundation of everything else in our society.

Falling in ♥LOVE with our new babies is mostly easy………..staying ♥LOVE-ing is another matter…. everyone needs to learn how.

Sending wishes for the ♥Happiest Mother’s Day to all our mothers who we at some time or another thought was the best Mum/Mom/Mama/Mummy/…. in the whole wide world…….How long since you told them you ♥LOVE them…..?

My gratefulness to all mothers who truly are committed to being the best possible mother you can be. Raising happy and confident kids is one of the most important jobs you do – It lasts a lifetime!….

Much LOVE and appreciation, Susie♥

the most precious ♥gift we can offer is our attention

♥LOVE TIP – Friday May 4th, 2012 

Greetings dear ♥ONES,

Please treat and nurture yourself by watching……

The baby is so so utterly serene & trusting. Very very precious♥……. My body feels soooooooo beautiful watching it. A deep level of Healing….. sweet tears………how deeply touching……such ♥LOVE….such tenderness……

I invite you to imagine you are the little baby being held and caressed and massaged……feeling the strong-gentle hands supporting you…………….keeping you completely and utterly SAFE…….fully relaxing and letting go into the sensations……………

you are SAFE…………..you are cherished…..♥

imagine the feeling of w-e-i-g-h-t-l-e-s-s-n-e-s-s…..being floated…….and cradled………the gentle flow of the water……all your senses open to the caress of the water……..the caress of her hands…….the s-l-o-w……… l-e-i-s-u-r-e-l-y gentle turning of your body……. from…. side…. to…. side…..there’s nowhere you have to be or nothing you have to do….such Ease……and peace-full-ness…… BLISS………pleasure……

……..just en♥JOY-ing,……………. just feeling cherished…………. just feeling ♥LOVE-d and completely and utterly ♥LOVE-able………the sweetness,………. the ♥De-LIGHT that you are …….and always have been……….

hear soft, sweet words quietly spoken to you………..feeling so completely and fully trusting………and surrended………..with a full knowing of how PERFECT you are……of what a BLESSING you are……..

The actions of the woman so attuned, so nurturing, so tender, with such mindfulness and reverence…….such sensitivity♥

“Remember that your natural state is joy“ ~Wayne Dyer

Sending you an invitation to look and act with tenderness, to see the preciousness around you and to give thanks for everyone you cherish…………Today’s the day to tell someone how precious they are to you……….and notice how comfortable you are with using the words ‘cherish’ and ‘precious’……and how comfortable you are with your ♥Beloveds cherishing you…….

♥MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share about what this post brings up for you with someone and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal.

I think I will watch the video regularly to remind me to connect into that ♥heart-soul-essence in me and in everyone…….I have experienced a sense of this in a WATSU massage with Anat Juran who is an aquatic therapist here in Perth………and do recommend you checking out WATSU………..

All babies should be so blessed and cherished.…….as well as the tiny baby within us all, with sweet ♥LOVE and tenderness, SUSIE.

♥travelling again and big dreams and new programs

♥LOVE TIP – Wednesday May 2nd, 2012 

Helloooooooooo dear FRIENDS♥

……from Mackay airport where we have just found we have an unscheduled hour delay. We are flying to Sydney to pick up our connecting flight [AND another unscheduled hour wait] and then back home to Perth…..So instead of just going Ugh!! and getting stuck into my new Jodie Picoult book let me see if I can write a post, thinks I?……

My apologies for being out of contact for this last week……and would you believe it’s now already MAY!…… We’ve been “on the road” and no time to check in and post before we left or since we’ve been travelling as we’ve been working very long and FULL days.

Our first stop was in SYDNEY for 3 days at the Business Blueprint Conference – April 2012 with the legendary and inspiring Dale Beaumont. We were filled with all sorts of practical information and wisdom to expand and grow our business to be even more exceptional and to support our ♥Biggest DREAM and VISION to halve the divorce rate in Australia by the year 2015.  There’s lots of exciting developments and NEW expansion and growth going on for us right now which we’ll be sharing over the next month….as well as asking for your input so that we can be assured of being of the best service to all we come in contact with!! Best way to stay connected to us regarding this and all our upcoming events and new programs is by becoming a Fan by ‘liking us’ on our Institute for Relationship Development Facebook page….. A sneak peek into our changes is our new business name. Tahdah!…… drum roll!!!! It’s ♥LOVE-Relationship Matters.….what do you think?………

Following that we flew up to MACKAY - for the non Australians it is located on the opposite side of the country to us up on the coast in the north eastern state of Queensland about half way up.

In Mackay I’ve just come from having the privilege of working in a way I value most highly which is doing an Intensive with a family in their home for 3 days.

It included working with a couple who’ve been separated for the last 5 months and each of their 3 children separately – 2 girls; one 13 and the other 4 years old and a boy of 10 and then to coach as each child shared their needs with their father. As well I worked with the wife and her mother; her brother, firstly on his own, and then with her and their mother as well as his wife; and the husband’s cousin and her newly married daughter of 3 weeks who came to support the family for the weekend. My only contact prior to this visit is with the wife who I have been working with for three months via phone sessions.  How amazing it is that this woman’s desire and commitment to create happiness and security for her children has rippled out and touched and created healing in so many lives!!!!

So hugely transformational and healing! My intention is to offer 1 Intensive per month and welcome inquiries. Same as with Mackay I am willing to travel and because of our extensive travel schedule we are going to be in many parts of the world over the next year. It feels important to share about this here as few people have experience or understanding of this way of working and processing and the exceptional benefits to be gained.

As a Therapist and Coach specializing in Relationships and Family Systems and with a commitment to helping couples to create Strong Healthy ♥Families that are the most nurturing and safe Haven for all who live there it is such a thrill to have the opportunity to work with so many aspects of the system that a family is. And to work ‘on their terrain’. Can you imagine the possibilities for growth and healing when so many people are involved and participating?

A family is a system and we are all part of a family system. It is only part of the picture to just look at individual dynamics. For deep and lasting change to happen one needs to explore and uncover how the family system got created and how it developed and how the different parts of the system influence you and impact each other.

We included an Introduction to our model of relationships which includes ♥KEYS to creating an ★Extraordinary, ★Exceptional and ★Exciting life-long relationship. This is a synthesis of information from many different teachers and models of committed relationships and includes 3 of our favourite approaches which are Imago Relationship Therapy by Dr Harville Hendrix, Dr John Gottman’s work and Dr Susan Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy. We include teaching about:

♥what is really going on in committed relationships.

♥how our unconscious actually chooses our partner based on our history;

♥are you in the most loving and happy relationship that you can dream of? If NO! then…..The Actions you take creates the Results you get. So you need to check out your Actions and replace them to get different Results.

The ACTIONS I take create the RESULTS I get

♥the STAGES of a healthy marriage/committed relationships and how and why many relationships breakdown and split up in the Power Struggle before the breakthrough into what we call Reality ♥LOVE;

♥how underneath all Conflict and reactivity and triggering are unmet needs from childhood and how the very things/behaviours we most need and want from our partners will be the hardest for them to do and that in S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G to do these very things is Healing for them and Growth for us and vice versa;

♥we react in habitual protective patterns when we feel threatened and unsafe. And these  patterns trigger the wound and survival patterns of our partner which creates  A Cycle of Reactivity…….. The things one does to protect and defend themselves in conflict will be the things that most trigger their partner who will then defend and protect themselves in ways that will further trigger ‘the other’ and increase the disconnection and ‘moving away from’ each other. We use the symbol of the Turtle to represent in general ‘the one’ who typically withdraws and tends to withhold feelings and thoughts and the Crocodile for ‘the one’ who tends to express their feelings in an attacking way and goes after ‘the other’…..

♥the enemy is the PATTERN

♥we teach how to replace this with a Cycle of ♥Positivity;

and to create the ♥Zero Negativity Zone

♥Our Major Goal in teaching this Work is to provide a Communication ♥TOOL BOX/TREASURE CHEST of  exceptional ♥TOOLS &  ★SKILLS.  

♥The basic foundational ★SKILL is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE – MIRRORING, VALIDATION, EMPATHY.

Happily ever after…….. hardly ever happens unless we LEARN how to do it! We call ♥Relationships – the 4th R of Education! A strong message we teach is successful relationships and parenting don’t just happen. EVERYONE needs to learn how to create them and to learn the right ♥TOOLS and  ★SKILLS.

It’s about ★SKILL POWER and not will power. We need to be taught and then ★PRACTISE, ★PRACTISE, ★PRACTISE the same as with fitness, health and career success.

One of our new developments we are excited about is that we are going to offer this as a webinar and/or e-course so anyone will have access to it. Let us know if you are interested and we’ll send you the details.

And now it’s 1am and Yay! we’re HOME!!…and just finishing off……Would be great to have you leave a comment about what stands out for you…….

Much ♥LOVE and may your Relationships be a safe Haven that provide the space to grow your precious spirit, Susie♥

You think leaving your relationship is the only answer – think again!

♥LOVE TIP – Saturday April 23rd, 2012 

Hello LOVELIES♥

There’s a very popular belief: if your relationship is not working leave it! Yet, guess what? Leaving your partner is generally not going to change you or your relationships. Why? “Wherever you go, there you are!!” When you leave a relationship you take ♥YOU with you!

Says ♥Dr Harville Hendrix in his book Keeping the Love You Find:

“This is a revolutionary view of relationships: rather than leaving relationships to find yourself, you find yourself through it – being the right partner is more important than picking the right partner.”   

So what does this mean and how do I become “the right partner”? Good questions. You might be thinking; why do I have to look to the other person for how to be me? Why do I have to be the right partner for them! A deeper question is – How do I become “the right person” or how do I want to be living my life?

Among the qualities rated highly in relationships are being kind, loving, respectful, compassionate, nurturing, responsible, and protective…… What qualities are important for you? In regards to both how you act and how you value others behaving? Do you act towards others according to your own Core Values?……… Do others [mainly partners and/or children and people you are in close contact with] say to you - “You’re always noticing what I am doing wrong or what is wrong with me and you criticize and complain and nag!”

Our brains are continuously, unconsciously scanning for what is “wrong” with others. What it is that we don’t like. And this scanning isn’t just towards partners but with ALL our
relationships. It’s as though we look at others with a magnifying glass, looking for every little fault and we are usually unaware we are doing it.  

Perception is basically an interpretation. We interpret what we see through our own filter/LENS.

Yet people believe what they perceive/see/hear/feel is actually what is out there in the world!  

Scientific research on the brain shows that the neural pathways (which are at the basis of our behaviour) are formed in relation to the people who are significant to us as we are growing up. Caretakers are crucial in shaping the child’s developing self-image and world-image.

From earliest childhood, our brains are formed and wired according to what is in the environment around us. Whatever is repeated and modelled to us becomes our perception of who we are and what we can expect from the world.

In some families the tactics are pretty blatant: threats, punishment, rigid rules, screaming, yelling…….and the like…. For the most part how we learn what is expected of us is far subtler. We mimic and copy. We learn by osmosis. We see what the people around us do over and over, what gets applauded, what elicits criticism; who is liked and who is disliked and why; what is noticed and what gets no attention. We develop behaviours that help us to fit in and get acceptance and approval.

Whatever is fired over and over gets wired! ALL we experience is our own point of view…. The world is what we expect it to be!!!

So here’s an example – imagine being in a social setting and no-one comes and talks to you. You could look around the room through the point of view/LENS of:

a) “These people don’t like me and they are ignoring and rejecting me……” OR

b) “There are many potential new friends here and these people are shy and uncomfortable to come forward.”

Immediately notice the experience you create inside yourself following whichever perspective you use which is simply your own thinking…..which comes from the LENS which you experience reality through…. Our conditioning (wiring) controls our daily stream of unconscious emotions which controls our thoughts which then directs and turns into our behaviours. 

Bringing it back to relationships, what were the models of ♥LOVE that you were exposed to and influenced by? Quoting Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, citing neuroscience research in their book Why Women Talk and Men Walk:

“Once an association is made, it increases the probability that you will make that same association and decreases the probability you will see it any other way. When you are wired to see negative, you will see negative!” 

It is important to not underestimate how strong these associations are. Hard to do when our points of view that get us the behaviours we don’t want are largely unconscious.

Would you like to become aware of your own unconscious bias? The ANSWER is in ‘the other’. Look to what you react to in them. Says Dr Hendrix: 

“The degree of emotional reaction to a trait in someone else is the degree to which
that trait exists in you, whether the trait is viewed as negative or positive.’

Exercise: Pay attention to what you criticize and judge. Notice who pushes your buttons and triggers you and what is it that they do that irritates and frustrates you. It could be partners, ex-partners, friends, children, at work, or anyone who bugs you. Get curious! Also pay attention to who you put on a pedestal and what it is you idealize in them.

♥MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share about what this post brings up for you with someone and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal.

Whatever we “despise or idealize” we need to reclaim as parts of ourselves that we have cut off and projected onto the other.  We trade our magnifying glass for a mirror! How we process to reclaim these parts of our self is another post….another time……….

Our relationships are our most profound pathway to growth and healing and becoming fully ourselves. Leaving our relationships in frustration, anger, resentment, hurt or pain usually is a formula for the same issues and problems to come up again elsewhere….. Important information everyone needs to know!♥

Enjoy your uncovering and reclaiming………

Much ♥LOVE and Blessings, Susie♥