tears of sorrow…..♥

LOVE NOTE – Wednesday October 15th, 2014

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Hey dear Friends

I wanted to share how I am doing. I do feel the support and ♡LOVE every day from many and it lifts me up……I am deeply grate-full for your caring and checking in and blessings and generous gifts of so many kinds…

And right now, right here, this is what’s happening for me….

Such a deep feeling of sorrow wrapped itself around me as I was driving ‘home’ to ♡Ivan’s this evening……..and was flowing around inside and all through me….. Not really sure where it came from…….what triggered it……what tender and fragile part is hiding inside me that I haven’t taken the time to notice…….. maybe it’s the smoky haze above the trees from the controlled burns of the bush they have been doing to prepare for summer…….. maybe it’s the beautiful songs playing on the CD Bliss …..filling my car, filling my soul…..

“….what should I do when tears of sorrow
just won’t stay inside these eyes…….”

•*¨*•♫♪♡sings the beautiful ♡Lucinda Drayton…..and I can’t stop crying…….

grief-loss

it is the first time I have heard this song in over 40 weeks…… it is 40 weeks Post Fire [P.F.] this coming Sunday…… 40 weeks since the bushfire destroyed my beloved Warm Fuzzy Hill and turned my world and life upside down…..Before Fire [B.F.]  I played this CD every few days…….at least……one of my very best favourites. I’ve missed it.

I miss the Me Before Fire [B.F.] that listened to it…the Me that played it and sang it over and over…….that was carefree and untroubled…

What a touching gift it was to receive the CD from ♡Anita last Sunday…..beautiful ♡Anita, a friend of 25 years ago. It is that long since we’ve seen each other or talked, yet somehow she knew this would nurture my soul and spirit…..

She knew. I didn’t. I have kept forgetting that I’ve missed it…..

Ahhhhh that is what is whispering to me…..that is what I haven’t been able to hear……the sorrow of my soul…..while I am having to take care of so much physical stuff…..of dealing with the demolition of our destroyed house and the cleaning up and clearing of the dead trees and bush….. and now the invasion of the giant Springtime weeds….of gathering together new furniture and belongings and everything that goes into furnishing one’s life…….and planning things that I don’t how to do……….and consulting and conferring with trades-people and ‘designers’ and builders and real estate agents and what seems like a trillion different people……….all with equally BIG amounts of tasks on a To Do List that never gets completed…..

I am neglecting my soul….

“Where do I go with all these feelings…….”

“Where do I go with all these memories…..”

How do I describe that bitter-sweet feeling that stirs in my chest, in my heart……

“…..Where do I go when all these pieces
of my heart lay on the floor………”

We dropped into the Community Connects Store today and one of the ladies there said is your new house finished yet? I wanted to yell out NO-ONE’s house is finished!! In fact, many people haven’t even started building and are like me and don’t even know whether they want to build or what to build! What makes well caring people forget that building a house in “normal times” takes more than 10 months from deciding and drawing up designs to completion…..let alone when you’ve gone through a traumatic time and don’t even know if that is what you want to do…….when your brain and body and heart feel like they have gone AWOL…..when making decisions about so many things is magnified and so much harder…

Stop! That’s it, my heart is saying – We don’t have a home…….. That is sad…..that is when the tears of sorrow……….“just won’t stay inside these eyes…….”  Sometimes my heart feels too fragile to hold the pain………or is it my soul…..

Right now my chest feels like it does when there is a pain and you want to breathe but you are scared to because maybe it will hurt too much so you hold your breath……and this is how my brain feels…..I want to remember things but it hurts too much so my brain holds still and freezes and the memories are there like they’re behind a curtain……and just flitting through ephemerally…..

Flowers are the MOST important way I have been nurturing my soul……every day first thing going out to greet… and look at… and smell…and delight in…and pick a few blooms…..and tend to the roses……I sometimes think I would not have been able to get through the last 10 months without flowers………maybe it’s the Beauty that I’ve needed to contrast with the ugliness, the emptiness, the starkness, the bleakness………that I’ve needed to remind myself that life is beautiful…

WFH-flowersThis is how it is feeling now….how it feels sometimes…..how I feel sometimes…….just wanting to stay real…

I’ve probably said lots of this before……. and I’ve needed to say it again……and maybe will again…….and I feel blessed and indulged that you are here reading………that is a miracle…

Welcoming all that is…. and grateful for All the beauty and generosity that is in my life…… And I’m Grateful For It All•*¨*•♫♪♡…..…..for it ALL…….

LOVE, Susie
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Being-♥LOVE-&-Grateful for it All…

LOVE NOTE – Thursday October 2nd, 2014

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Hello dear Friends

Yesterday I wrote on the 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign Facebook page:

“…Here we are at the beginning to the fabulous new month of October so I thought I would take the opportunity to choose some changes for myself. 

The most significant one for October is I am not going to daily post my 5 Things I am Grateful for anymore…… I have done it now each day for the past 4 months starting June 1st. It does feel like it has been important for me as a significant consciousness shift…… I know I will still choose it as a daily focus for myself……And I will review at the end of October how it has been to not record them here and give myself the option of reinstating doing it at any time I feel I want to.

Part of me is imagining [or my SIMU - Story I Make Up] is I am boring you with sharing my 5 Things I am Grateful for and you are humouring me as there is usually minimal engagement.  I also feel some loss to not do it as it has been the closest thing that I have done to a diary, recording what is happening for me over the months….”

Well that resolve didn’t last long! This morning I have changed my mind!….. Even if ♡Lisa [thanks Sweetie] is the only person who values my post of my 5 Things I am Grateful for [or even if no-one does], I am going to continue doing it. It is a ritual that is healthy and sweet and oh so nurturing……It nudges – and sometimes out-rightly pushes – me into choosing a positive and creative lens to view/experience life through.  And I want to be a World Champion at doing it. Look out ♡Louise Hay, Queen of Positivity move over, here I come!!

Like right now I have just been out hanging our bed linen on the line to dry in the sun. It is sheet-changing–and-washing day. The sky is the softest bluest blue with fluffy white clouds just floating unhurriedly by. The air is warm and there is just the right sheet-drying-windy-ness….And I am grateful all over again to ♡Marg who in the early months Post Fire [P.F.] donated the sheets to us along with a whole pile of furniture and bits and pieces as they were shifting house and downsizing. Did we know her? No. She is a friend of a friend.  And for me an Angel I will remember forever. They will always be “♡Marg’s sheets”……

We didn’t have ANY sheets then, and had only just been donated a King size bed, and together with her high quality 1000 thread, almost-new [felt like to us] sheets we did feel like a King and Queen. Still do every time I get into our bed and slip sensuously between those sheets or hang those sheets on the line or run my hands over them….

I was talking last week with a lady who was volunteering at the Community Connect Shop [which is a store that was set up by the Mundaring Community Bank for donations of every sort, and people whose houses burnt down can take WHATEVER and as much as they want for Free and everyone else pays only $2 per item - in reality, it’s an Op shop]…… and she said if her house burnt down she would want everything new………

Well, I was thinking about this…. and do you know I came up with I am so GLAD that I have so many things that people have given me/us as well as finding pre-♡LOVED ‘treasures’ at the Community shop…..which I do all the time…. as each item connects me to the ♡LOVE and generosity and heart-felt caring of whoever those people are…..[even though I don’t know specifically who they are from at the Community shop they still have a special feel to them over shop-bought new and mass produced products]

Back to washing the sheets. I am so over–the-moon grateful that we have our beautiful bed and so grateful for the sheets and in fact everything on it…..so grateful that I wrote this whole post about it…..our bed. patchwork quilts. and lots of ♥LOVE stitched in…

And I am grateful for being able to use ♡Ivan’s washing machine to wash them in, for clean water and having washing powder to wash them with, for a Hills Hoist [for the non-Hills-hoist-sheetsAustralians a rotary clothes washing line] to hang them on in the beautiful warm air under the bluest blue sky with just the right sheet-drying-windy-ness….

Ahhhhhhh the wonderful smell and feel of sun and wind dried sheets …mmmmmmm….. one of my favourite smells. Anyone else?

And I am grateful for Gus the horse who is in the paddock next to me only 10 feet away, who is agisted there as a ‘horse lawn-mower’, who now comes up to the fence to give me a big velvet-feeling-nuzzle Hello…..[I am grateful for and amazed and delighted as I meditatively watched him yesterday as he was 'mowing' through ripping up the weeds and eating them........that’s a whole post in itself :) ]

And I am grateful for walking on the earth with my bare feet, grateful for passing three of rose-rosemary-fence-Ivanmy favourite roses on the way to and from the clothes line and the house; the two stunningly splendid pink rambling climbing ones arching over the gate and the yellow one nearby that ♡Shelton likes….. and for being able to take the time to stop and smell the roses and take in their beauty and healing energy…… and for brushing past the biggest old rosemary bush that smells divine that I just adore…….

And now it’s time for breakfast and back inside I go and I am sooooooo grateful for the amazing organic eggs that I mentioned on Sunday we bought from ♡Gail and ♡Frank…….Most days I make an omelette and just the act of whisking up the egg with a fork is a delight for me – it is so bright. bright. brightest. golden. yellow – not to mention how big JUST one egg is!!  I am so grateful for people like them who care about our environment and put so much care and ♡LOVE into producing food for me that is so healthy on so many levels.

I am grateful for the parsley that I chop up and put into my omelette and salad that ♡Shelton brings me each week from ♡John and ♡Bronwyn’s organic garden. More Earth Warriors I am grateful for. Parsley for me is a staple daily food having so many different valuable nutrients in it…..a veritable “vitamin-and-mineral pill”. I am so grateful for parsley……and gardeners…

I am grateful for being here alone right now and having the house to myself [this is very high on my self-♡LOVE list] and for being able to totally focus on myself and nurture and nourish me…..in ways I want…even if just doing ‘chores’…

I could go on being grateful for so many things no matter which direction I go……there are objects and stories of gratefull-ness whichever way I look, whichever way I walk……♡

I like viewing/experiencing the world through grateful eyes. I like the Me I am when I am a Delight and Beauty and ♡LOVE-Finder. I like the way it feels in my physical body and in my mind and how my spirit feels soft and gentle and tender and nurtured…..

As I’m reflecting on “it” all….. Being-♡LOVE-&-Grateful for it All feels like a much more powerful concept for me than the idea of Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity. It is time thinks I, to change the name to Being-♡LOVE-&-Grateful for it All.  As well, I choose and publicly declare that as my life focus and one of my top Core Values.

Gratefulness

I imagine if we carried our Being-♡LOVE-&-Grateful for it All Journals and consciousness with us and used them as much as our mobile phones and other mobile devices – in other words we would interact and connect with whoever we are making contact with by Being-♡LOVE-&- Grateful, whoever they are and whatever it is they are doing……I reckon doing this would make our world and all the world an amazingly different place….

Question for You: Are you willing to give it a go?

gratitudeGrateful and with LOVE always, Susie

♡♡DAY 275 - 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign

 

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Warm Fuzzy Hill: Making a Spectacular Comeback♥

susiesheartpathblog:

Sunday September 21st, 2014 – 9 months [36 weeks] Post Fire
It was good to mark the date with a visit to Warm Fuzzy Hill by ♡Marc Russo, our talented photographer friend, fortunately finishing shooting just before the wet and windy, wild weather ‘hit’…..It was a follow-up to ♡Marc’s original photo series he did a couple of weeks Post Fire in January when everything was looking destroyed and devastated.

We are grateful for the generous gift of ♡Marc’s time and skill and for being able to see Warm Fuzzy Hill’s on-going healing and recovery through his discerning and sensitive eyes :) ….. When different people look at what I am looking at it always fascinates me what they see……..where their attention goes, what stands out for them, what they pick out and focus on, what is the ‘lens’ they look through…..

♡Marc has so beautifully re-visited many of the places he photographed in the original shoot in January. One day I will go through and post The Then and The Now next to each other like this one…..

WFH-MR-gate-sparaxis1 I have been taking my own series of photos and I am always attracted first to the magnificent displays of flowers before anything else. Spring-time Warm Fuzzy Hill is so magical – it just keeps on giving – layer after layer – it is like a giant stage or canvas and one colour of flowers shines and then ‘steps back’ and then the next pops up resplendent – and even though the last showing has been breath-taking and like a masterpiece and we are thinking it just doesn’t get any better than this…….we arrive the next day…. and there is yet another splendid display of a different type of bulb and colour spread across the hillsides…….

Mother Nature – the ever wise teacher – lessons of beauty and growth AND change and impermanence…… GRATEFUL FOR IT ALL•*¨*•♫♪♡…

With gratitude and LOVE, Susie♡

Link to ♡Marc’s January 2014 photo story here.
Link to my January 2014 post using many of ♡Marc’s photos – bushfire destroys our family home at Warm Fuzzy Hill… here

Originally posted on marcrussoamazingadventures:

I went back last weekend to do some updated photographs of Warm Fuzzy hill and I was amazed at how well the vegetation is making a come back!

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9 months [36 weeks] Post Fire….being really. really. really. REAL♥

LOVE NOTE – Monday September 22nd, 2014

9 months [36 weeks] Post Fire.
OK, OK, time for me to be really. really. really. REAL.

I am over sharing my 5 Things I Am Grateful For each day on the 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign Facebook page! Gosh I’ve been doing it every night since June 1st – that’s nearly 4 whole months and my brain is still NOT re-wired and neurologically revamped and refurbished so that I’m able to be happy!!

grateful-eyes

Nope, I didn’t get that right! Lots of parts of the world still look the same way! A failure at happiness rewiring 101!!

I’m over looking for the positive. Over being  a ♡LOVE-Finder. Over presenting my confident, strong Superwomen part who can bend steel in her bare hands, jump buildings with a single pounce, do cartwheels and back flips whilst fighting a never-ending battle for peace, justice, ♡LOVE and Zero Negativity……

supersusie

My QUEEN R-A-N-T part needs to write the post tonight as I am feeling so l-o-w that I just want to go to bed and never. ever.  get up.

I am over having to choose between this hot water system or that one, or this one or that one!! And multiply it times what feels like a h-u-n-d-r-e-d different types! Do you know how many frigging ways there are to have a hot water system and types and makes of?
Too many!
W-a-y too many for me to choose one and feel like I am going to be GETTING IT RIGHT and the next person who walks in is NOT going to tell me I’M GETTING IT WRONG and the problems with the choice I have made and why didn’t I think of______________!!!.

And how should I know anyway????  I DON’T KNOW! I am just a bloody therapist, not a house builder or an architect or a designer or a carpenter or a plumber or an electrician or a cabinet maker or a solar hot water company rep selling the range of systems they stock and it could go on forever. and ever. and ever. about WHAT I AM NOT . and what I am not skilled in!! I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!

I am well and truly o-v-e-r hot water systems and troughs and sinks and benches and taps and walls and doors and handles and floors and tiles and knocking out this wall and replacing these doors and windows and where to put these taps and pipes and waste and what cupboards and benches to build and where and trying to imagine fitting furniture and appliances into spaces that are too small and that are makeshift that people have generously donated to us and I’m over not knowing how much to spend “as you don’t know whether you want to live there anyway!!”

Or looking at homes to buy on the internet and then traipsing around Home Opens or ringing agents to show us properties and houses. But then I don’t even know where I want to live let alone in what kind of house and for what reasons, do I? Don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life? Don’t know where I want to do it!

And I am over having bits and pieces of paper and brochures everywhere with notes about this that and everything littering and piling up so high that I can’t find what I am looking for when I need something anyway that I am almost daydreaming about another bushfire coming and just burning all the bloody lot up and then I can just GIVE UP and GIVE IN and go and lie on a beach or in a hammock somewhere and it be legitimate for me to just be a tragic traumatised has-been for the rest of my meaningless life.

And I am sad and it is gloomy and miserable that I don’t have a father or a mother or a big brother or a little brother or a big friend or a little friend who I can turn to who knows what to do, and can help, and does help, and who is there for me and just swoops in like a good fairy or Superman or Superwoman or Wonderwoman and knows what to do and does it.

Phew!!

grief-mess-GU

I thought if I let the Queen R-A-N-T part write and express her way of seeing things then I would feel better and then I would be able to get on with things. But I was wrong, it hasn’t. Yet I guess I’ve done one thing in that I’ve allowed myself to be a BIG MESS. Correction – BEAUTIFUL MESS :) and I’ve been real and open about it……………………even though I’m S-Q-U-I-R-M-I-N-G thinking of the judgments that people can make……

Admittedly I am not as low and gloomy and cheerless and a bit of my frontal lobes have come back on board BUT I. still. don’t. know. how. to make a lot of the choices that I need to make…… and it is tiresome and energy sapping to daily be facing choice after choice that I don’t really know enough about…….

And it is tiresome and energy sapping to daily have to put that positive face forward; to stride chest-forward chanting in my head “I CAN DO IT” when really being able to do most of the above is in the league of riding naked and bare-back on a sleek Black Beauty type stallion galloping across the moors, or hang diving off the highest craggy cliff or swimming with sharks or lying in a Perspex case with scorpions crawling all over me [like the woman on TV did tonight], none of which I did when I was 16 let alone now in my 60’s.

So be it!……

I am grateful for you being a super-power [well you read this far - that deserves a lot of credit in my book] and indulging me…… Let’s see what tomorrow brings and back to my mantra –

One day at a time!!!

LOVE from a tired Susie♥

♡♡DAY 265365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign – WOOHOO only 100 more DAYS TO GO!!!

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♥Robin William’s death. no one saw. or knew. or reached out. and was there.

LOVE NOTE – Sunday August 31st, 2014

Hello Friends

It’s been 33 weeks….just over 8 months Post Fire [P.F.]
I wrote most of this post on the 19th August which is nearly 2 weeks ago now. Not sure exactly why…. but I felt I had to finish it today before we start the glorious new month of September….which is probably my most favourite month…….the month that for me is about new growth and lightness and delight……and the beginning to Springtime at Warm Fuzzy Hill…….

We are at the very early stages of new beginnings to the Owl House and the Next Stage of our life at Warm Fuzzy. It is serendipitous that this afternoon ♡Shelton and I had to totally empty out the small room that is to be converted to a kitchen as they are starting some work on it tomorrow, September 1st……What they are doing is knocking a hole = door way through a brick wall……..quite an appropriate metaphor /symbol thinks I, for the brick walls I feel I keep coming up against…..time for a finding a way through….for a New Beginning!

Today’s clear-out took us 3 hours of exhausting work and my body is aching. I tell myself change is doing stuff that feels uncomfortable and feels like a challenge!!

Here’s my post….. 19 August 2014
This is a hard post to write and share….one of ♡Liv Lanes brave posts….
[from ♡Liv Lane’s How To Build a Blog You Truly Love E-course… The invitation-challenge is to step outside our comfort zone and write about something that feels BRAVE.]

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I’ve been thinking lots about ♡Robin Williams since I heard about his death…..as I know millions of others have been…….reflecting on, and pondering about why someone like ♡Robin Williams would kill himself….

I associate him with fun and laughter and playfulness…… and such bigness and brightness…..someone who was oh so quick in his mind …..a gifted mind, a genius mind….. He who was so full of laughter and caring……he who spent his life making others laugh and smile and feel good…..a humour that was brilliant and clever and not of the type that used put-down and attack…….humour that takes absolute genius…..and sharpness and sensitivity……and pure talent.

And he also had an energy of humbleness …….I love looking into his eyes when he is on screen….I see eyes that are soft and full of gentleness and a sweetness and tenderness……eyes that feel safe…..

I am sitting with wondering about what it was like to be ♡Robin Williams in the time leading up to his death…… the question that is yelling out loudly in my head is why is it with all the people that ♡LOVE this man that no one saw. or knew. or reached out. or reached in. and was there to hold onto him…..

Yet I do wonder why I am surprised. The following statistics [2010] for suicide in Australia [and I imagine they are similar in the United States] tell a grim story:
- 8 Australians take their own life each day – more than 2,500 deaths each year
- About 180 people attempt it every day
- 65,000 attempt to take their own life every year…..
SUICIDE is the leading cause of death in Australia for people aged between 15 and 44 years!!!

With these statistics everyone will know someone who is depressed to some degree or another….so we all have a part to play…..

How blind we are as a culture to seeing and hearing and being there for people’s pain. and hurt. and grief. and suffering.

I have been in some very dark places Post Fire [P.F.]…..darker than I’ve ever felt. ……surprisingly to me it feels even darker and more despairing than the time of ♡Russ’s death and being with him and tending to him and watching his 18 months of wasting away and dying……Words fail to describe what this is about….and the closest description I come to is that with the loss of all the physical that connected us to him it has felt somehow like he has ‘died’ again……added to all the other devastating losses from the fire……

People took ♡Russ’ dying ‘seriously’ and showed up daily and many who were close to him basically ‘camped out’ to be with him and support him and us…..some even for months…..like his close friend ♡Craig……….. who would sit for hours and hours holding ♡Russ’ hand and talking with him….and doing whatever he wanted……and who mostly left our house quite late into the wee hours of the morning to spend a small amount of time to be with his own wife and small child …….and was back again the next morning to start it all again…..

After watching him so very caringly give ♡Russ a Reiki healing which helped him to relax and go to sleep…..and which he gave to him most nights ……I asked him why do you do it? He looked me straight in the eye and said simply “Because I ♡LOVE him…..”

And many ♡LOVED ♡Robin. His disease was life-threatening. It killed him, didn’t it…..? Why have we as a culture allowed it to happen that someone who is in that much pain and fear is left alone to struggle with the monster that depression is [or whatever other demon he was fighting with]…….and then is alone as he dies as that monster attacks him and wrestles with him and overcomes him…..

Let us proclaim loudly that depression is a mental illness. Many times people require similar caring attention as those who have had a heart attack or any other life threatening illness…..and at a minimum, need to know there are people who are there for them to reach out to.

I have been writing openly about the “dark places” I have been in Post Fire [P.F.] ……yet I am amazed at how often I have been left to grieve and mourn alone……with months going by with people who say they care…..who I would have thought cared …….not even ringing me…… or messaging or visiting, let alone offering help of any kind….

Yes, we have had a lot of help that we are amazed with and feeling very blessed by…..yet the majority by far has been given by people who were strangers Before Fire [B.F.] ….people we didn’t even know…..and the assistance they have given has been largely practical, helping us to replace a myriad of things……and still are….

I have been left alone for hours, for days, for weeks, for months……many times questioning whether I had what it took to get through……many times feeling so totally in the dark and that there weren’t any lights at the end of the tunnel……..so ‘dark’ and exhausted that to go searching for the light let alone where the tunnel has felt as mammoth a task as climbing Mt Everest…..

I found that if I told people even a very scaled down version of these feelings comments [that were meant to be well-meaning] would be some version of:
“This too shall pass”….
You’ll get through it
It could be worse
AT LEAST you have…………insert a trillion options for the dreaded “at-leasts….
It’ll be better tomorrow
Just put it out of your mind….
You’re strong – you’ve got what it takes to get through this
A million and one positive statements / quotes / affirmations etc etc….
The Phoenix will rise from the ashes
Just look for the silver lining
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be there for you”…..and then proceed to tell me about how overwhelming whatever is in their life that they think is worse than what I am going through…..
“I know how you feel”, I would hear. “No, you don’t”, I would think,…..“You are not me….”

They weren’t saying, I’m right here with you. I’m not going away. Take whatever time you need……..walking beside me……. or staying silent and being present and listening to me…..crossing the bridge into my world……

And it is not like I needed them to know what it is like for me………you don’t have to have all the answers….or any in fact…..just be interested in me and my story I’m sharing….

People seem to be able to do it for their loved ones when they are told they are dying……or when they are in a critical life state following any number of accidents….. But I don’t see it happening in those many places where the rate of suicide goes up like disaster/trauma, divorce, debt, bankruptcy, chronic illness…..and there are many others…..

Incidentally it is reported that there is a rise in depression and suicides [and domestic violence, marriage breakdown and alcohol and drug abuse] peaking about two years after a traumatic event like a bushfire…..most dealing with continuing issues of stress and many with emotional scars that are still raw…….

And I do know that the darkness and pain I feel is nothing compared to the daily sense of meaningless and hopelessness that many experience….. whose minds trick them into believing they are worthless and un-♡LOVE-able and that their life isn’t worth living………

I do have the resources to eventually shift the darkness and find the light at the end of the tunnel and are able to switch it on….a light that shines so brightly at times it shines for hundreds…..

When I’ve been in that ‘dark place’ I just walk by and ignore all the things that would “wake” me up and soothe me – like the CD player with 100 Hay House talks by the most inspiring group of people imaginable…… I don’t do any EFT tapping or pull out any of the other huge amount of resources that I have for shifting blocked places……
I ignore people’s phone calls, I ignore invitations to be in the company of friends, ignore reading Facebook as others’ good times can feel like a smack in the face when I feel I am suffering…..

My body and my energy are too depleted to make self-♡LOVE-ing choices that are nurturing and caring for myself….I am too exhausted and energy depleted and tired to be able to do things that normally I adore doing…..like having a bath…..too tired to sit in the sauna, too tired even to read a book where I can disappear into another world for respite… not bothering with most forms of self care ……not showering as often as normal, wearing the same dark work clothes day in-day out, not exercising……too lacking of energy to do anything different….It feels somewhat like trying to start a car when there is no petrol or to turn on a light switch when the power is off…. 

A note to say that I do know all these perceptions are those of a very vulnerable and raw and ‘broken’ part of me….. that easily can be labelled as ‘negative’…… Yet when we are in the ‘dark place’ a different Self has taken over and we no longer perceive the world through a grown-ups eyes and brain…. I am not this Self – it is a part of me that came into existence and developed a long time ago……it is showing up now for reasons that I am aware of that I don’t wish to share….

And sure I am being presumptuous assuming that ♡Robin would have felt unhappy and in pain leading to him killing himself……yet I do know that people don’t kill themselves when they are enjoying the life they are living…..

But I am not here to make sense of why he did it…..just to share what has been touched in me. What it has stirred in me. What has been awakened. And also to send a reminder that your ♡LOVE-ing presence may be what is needed to make a difference in someone’s life and living…..and it matters much more than you think…..
With deep respect and gratitude to ♡Robin Williams and his life for so many reasons.

LOVE and gratitude, Susie

5 GRATEFULS FOR IT ALL•*¨*•♫♪♡…
1. I am soooooooo grateful that we have finally been able to clear out the room for our new kitchen in the Owl House.
2. I am grateful for ♡Shelton working so supportively and superlatively to clean out the room.
3. I am grateful for ♡Shelton’s strength in being able to move all the heavy things.
4. I am grateful that we went looking at a number of Home Opens today in the Hills and for the many creative ideas people put into designing and organizing their homes which has given me some ideas of what would be good to include in our new Home.
5. I am grateful over and over again at the beauty of the hillsides along the driveway into Warm Fuzzy that get more amazing each day……..seeing and smelling the freesias just take my breath away as they are sooooooo splendid…… :)

♡♡DAY 243 – 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign 

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Be in ♥LOVE with YOURSELF

LOVE NOTE – Wednesday August 20, 2014

Hello dear Ones

Here’s a challenge for you: EITHER ~

Wake up to the day as if it was ‘the first time’ you were alone with your partner. Greet him/her enthusiastically…… Just look ♡LOVE-ingly at him/her for a few moments……. Ask about them and their day and just listen. Your task is to connect with them and let them know you understand and can validate them….that you ‘get them‘ – even if you disagree….

OR / AND ~ Do a variation of the Exercise with other people who are important to you ……

AND THEN, You Are NEXT. We don’t want you leaving Yourself out of this – I invite you to do this for ♡YOU too by looking ♡LOVE-ingly and adoringly at yourself in a mirror for a few moments.

Do you know that saying?…..

“His eyes lit up when she walked in the room”……

It really touches me deeply inside just thinking about the sort of ♡LOVE that makes someone do that…. that’s seeing with their heart and soul…..

Your job then, my dears, is to imagine looking through those sort of eyes as you are looking at yourself. Feel it physically inside – your whole being filling up as your eyes light up looking at yourself…. See yourself with ‘new eyes’.…. Connect ♡LOVE-ingly……. Are you able to do it?

TIP – if you can’t do it using your own eyes imagine looking through the eyes of someone who ♡LOVES you.

 “May you see your innocence in my eyes.” ~ ♡Marianne Williamson

 ______________________________

How lonely it must be
searching for happiness,
unaware of the beauty you possess,
never realizing how much warmth
you really give.
If I could,
I would show you
how you are
through my eyes.
Then you could see
how important you are.
My world is happy
because of you.

♡George Betts ~ from Visions of You

  ______________________________

So important to be in ♡LOVE with YOURSELF – to connect with your preciousness.  Bring to mind all of the SPECIAL things about YOU.  Radiate ♡LOVE to yourself – both the Adult You and the Child You. Be tender.

YOU ARE worthy of and deserve your ♡LOVE, admiration and adoration.

Notice if there is a S-Q-U-I-R-M even thinking about doing this as well as when you actually do it….Notice the stories you tell yourself …Your SIMU’s……

Be really honest about what you hear you saying to yourself……
– What would you think and feel if someone else talked to you the way you talk to yourself?……….
– Would they feel like they were a good friend?….
– Would you choose to be around them?

A crucial fact is -
The more you are truly ♡LOVE-ing to yourself the more you will attract ♡LOVE whether you are partnered or not.
Do you want a soul-mate? ………Then be a soul-mate!

Think about a time when you were caring and nurturing to yourself – maybe it’s going to the hairdresser…. or the gym…. or for a run….. or your favourite healthy restaurant……or getting yourself a new outfit…… or a massage…..doing any of the things that make you feel good. Do you remember how enlivened and energised you felt?..

It is so much easier to send your ♡LOVE out ……as well as take it in when others give it to you……when you feel good IN YOURSELF and you are regarding yourself ♡LOVE-ingly. If your ♡LOVE and generosity does not include yourself it is not complete!

♡Iyanla Vanzant is spot on saying: “it’s not selfish to put yourself first — it’s self-full. To take care of you, keep you whole and healthy. That doesn’t mean you disregard everything and everyone. But you want to come with your cup full. You know: ‘My cup runneth over.’ What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine. But I’ve got to keep my cup full.” 

This month, I celebrate my own independence. I choose to be free of all negativity, anger, fear, insecurities, jealousies–and any thought that makes me feel “less than.” I no longer choose to live in the prison of my mind. I choose thoughts of love, joy, prosperity, and unlimited creativity and opportunities” ~ ♡Louise L. Hay

“When you are praising, when you are appreciating, when you are acknowledging value, when you are looking for positive aspects, when you are laughing, when you are applauding, when you are joyous, when you are feeling that feeling of appreciation pulsing through you, in those times, there IS NO RESISTANCE within you. You are, in those moments, vibrationally up to speed with who you really are.” ~ ♡Abraham-Hicks

You are wonderful – always remember that you and your ♡LOVE-ing makes a difference – of yourself as well as others. Gratefully, Susie

‘All that we are is the result of what we have thought’ ~ Buddha

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Being real…I just can’t do it!…28 weeks Post Fire [P.F.]♥

LOVE NOTE – Sunday July 27, 2014

28 weeks Post Fire [P.F.]

I just can’t do it!……it is too mammoth a job and I don’t. have. what. it. takes. to. do. it………

I was over at Warm Fuzzy today and just doing a small job……raking up some debris around the place and picking up yet more rubbish left behind from the demolishers……… and wheeling the bin down the long driveway to the road for pick up tomorrow morning………..hardly anything at all in the big scheme of things!………

Yet I’m exhausted……. and a voice inside me is crying out…..

I just can’t do it!…..it’s too hard……

I haven’t got the physical fitness and strength to keep persevering, to keep pushing……..or the mental strength to keep overriding that voice and telling it;

It is not true…….we can do it.  One day at a time….. and there is no rush, no deadline…..

It is like I need to be so “up”, so vigilant…….. all. the. time. to stay on top of it all…..to stay upright and not giving up and crumbling and collapsing……

And noticing more and more of the trees along the driveway on the walk back…..noticing more that didn’t make it, lots more……that are bare blackened trunks and branches…….no little clumps of new green leaves sprouting on them…….some with wood colours showing through the cracked and flaking burnt bark…..no juice or aliveness running through them …….all mirroring my worn-out, weary, parched body and soul……

Maybe there is a part of me that has died in this whole process and I’m just too stubborn to admit it………….to allow it to be there…….I dare to ponder……

I find myself thinking of older people getting to that stage in their lives where they are just too un-resourced to stay in the homes they have lived in for years and yet haven’t wanted to admit to it……and how it’s just too painful even to think about moving into some sort of assisted living away from all that is familiar and loved by them……

I know that space of things happening to me that I keep ignoring and excusing, and acting as if doing that by itself, will make it go away……..like my increasing lack of being able to hear like I used to……….

I don’t know what it will take to either move forward and build a new home at Warm Fuzzy or to just say my time there is over and it’s time to leave….

Just the thought of moving on is another huge spiral …….
no idea of where,
no idea of into what,
no idea really. full stop.

Just sharing what it is like sometimes. It is not always I can do it. I’m being real. Being authentic. Being whole. All the parts of me. Not lying to myself or to anyone else. Not pretending so I don’t upset others or worry them or let them down…….making that gap smaller between who I pretend I am and who I truly am…….

It is NOT OK that my I-can’t-do-it voice has to yell and scream loudly for it to be heard. It is OK for it to speak softly and for it to not be questioned and cajoled or judged or dismissed or talked out of…….just to be heard and validated……..I’m worn out from holding it together…..of looking like everything is going fine…

My need is that my vulnerability, my not knowing, my I-can’t-do-it voice, my sorrow, my pain and that deep deep aching……for my deep deep loss…..is embraced and held with compassion.

It’s not just the destruction and loss of my house. and my land. and my home. but for the loss of my life as it was. Maybe firstly with the bush-fire and then with the demolition the old ♡Susie has gone, has been destroyed and bull-dozed away…. Is it possible to go back to being Before Fire [B.F.] ♡Susie…..or even desirable…..I am wondering….

Skimming back through my Post Fire [P.F.] photos it is interesting to note that 99% of my pics are taken of the new growth,……..or taking the destruction and blackness through the frame of flowers and green shoots,………..or the beautiful way things used to be…… or juxtaposed next to positive and uplifting words and messages …………..seeing through the eyes of Beauty and ♡LOVE…….

WFH-trees-shed

WFH-trees-new-growth

New growth is happening. will happen. it is inevitable. The seasons are changing. the days are changing. Springtime is coming. Beauty buds forth every day….

And still there is a part of me that fears I just can’t do it! ♡

AG-Life-is-being-good-at-feeling

 ♡♡DAY 208 – 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign

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