♥LOVE NOTE – Sunday August 31st, 2014
It’s been 33 weeks….just over 8 months Post Fire [P.F.]
I wrote most of this post on the 19th August which is nearly 2 weeks ago now. Not sure exactly why…. but I felt I had to finish it today before we start the glorious new month of September….which is probably my most favourite month…….the month that for me is about new growth and lightness and delight……and the beginning to Springtime at Warm Fuzzy Hill…….
We are at the very early stages of new beginnings to the Owl House and the Next Stage of our life at Warm Fuzzy. It is serendipitous that this afternoon ♡Shelton and I had to totally empty out the small room that is to be converted to a kitchen as they are starting some work on it tomorrow, September 1st……What they are doing is knocking a hole = door way through a brick wall……..quite an appropriate metaphor /symbol thinks I, for the brick walls I feel I keep coming up against…..time for a finding a way through….for a New Beginning!
Today’s clear-out took us 3 hours of exhausting work and my body is aching. I tell myself change is doing stuff that feels uncomfortable and feels like a challenge!!
Here’s my post….. 19 August 2014
This is a hard post to write and share….one of ♡Liv Lanes brave posts….
[from ♡Liv Lane’s How To Build a Blog You Truly Love E-course… The invitation-challenge is to step outside our comfort zone and write about something that feels BRAVE.]
I’ve been thinking lots about ♡Robin Williams since I heard about his death…..as I know millions of others have been…….reflecting on, and pondering about why someone like ♡Robin Williams would kill himself….
I associate him with fun and laughter and playfulness…… and such bigness and brightness…..someone who was oh so quick in his mind …..a gifted mind, a genius mind….. He who was so full of laughter and caring……he who spent his life making others laugh and smile and feel good…..a humour that was brilliant and clever and not of the type that used put-down and attack…….humour that takes absolute genius…..and sharpness and sensitivity……and pure talent.
And he also had an energy of humbleness …….I love looking into his eyes when he is on screen….I see eyes that are soft and full of gentleness and a sweetness and tenderness……eyes that feel safe…..
I am sitting with wondering about what it was like to be ♡Robin Williams in the time leading up to his death…… the question that is yelling out loudly in my head is why is it with all the people that ♡LOVE this man that no one saw. or knew. or reached out. or reached in. and was there to hold onto him…..
Yet I do wonder why I am surprised. The following statistics  for suicide in Australia [and I imagine they are similar in the United States] tell a grim story:
- 8 Australians take their own life each day – more than 2,500 deaths each year
- About 180 people attempt it every day
- 65,000 attempt to take their own life every year…..
SUICIDE is the leading cause of death in Australia for people aged between 15 and 44 years!!!
With these statistics everyone will know someone who is depressed to some degree or another….so we all have a part to play…..
How blind we are as a culture to seeing and hearing and being there for people’s pain. and hurt. and grief. and suffering.
I have been in some very dark places Post Fire [P.F.]…..darker than I’ve ever felt. ……surprisingly to me it feels even darker and more despairing than the time of ♡Russ’s death and being with him and tending to him and watching his 18 months of wasting away and dying……Words fail to describe what this is about….and the closest description I come to is that with the loss of all the physical that connected us to him it has felt somehow like he has ‘died’ again……added to all the other devastating losses from the fire……
People took ♡Russ’ dying ‘seriously’ and showed up daily and many who were close to him basically ‘camped out’ to be with him and support him and us…..some even for months…..like his close friend ♡Craig……….. who would sit for hours and hours holding ♡Russ’ hand and talking with him….and doing whatever he wanted……and who mostly left our house quite late into the wee hours of the morning to spend a small amount of time to be with his own wife and small child …….and was back again the next morning to start it all again…..
After watching him so very caringly give ♡Russ a Reiki healing which helped him to relax and go to sleep…..and which he gave to him most nights ……I asked him why do you do it? He looked me straight in the eye and said simply “Because I ♡LOVE him…..”
And many ♡LOVED ♡Robin. His disease was life-threatening. It killed him, didn’t it…..? Why have we as a culture allowed it to happen that someone who is in that much pain and fear is left alone to struggle with the monster that depression is [or whatever other demon he was fighting with]…….and then is alone as he dies as that monster attacks him and wrestles with him and overcomes him…..
Let us proclaim loudly that depression is a mental illness. Many times people require similar caring attention as those who have had a heart attack or any other life threatening illness…..and at a minimum, need to know there are people who are there for them to reach out to.
I have been writing openly about the “dark places” I have been in Post Fire [P.F.] ……yet I am amazed at how often I have been left to grieve and mourn alone……with months going by with people who say they care…..who I would have thought cared …….not even ringing me…… or messaging or visiting, let alone offering help of any kind….
Yes, we have had a lot of help that we are amazed with and feeling very blessed by…..yet the majority by far has been given by people who were strangers Before Fire [B.F.] ….people we didn’t even know…..and the assistance they have given has been largely practical, helping us to replace a myriad of things……and still are….
I have been left alone for hours, for days, for weeks, for months……many times questioning whether I had what it took to get through……many times feeling so totally in the dark and that there weren’t any lights at the end of the tunnel……..so ‘dark’ and exhausted that to go searching for the light let alone where the tunnel has felt as mammoth a task as climbing Mt Everest…..
I found that if I told people even a very scaled down version of these feelings comments [that were meant to be well-meaning] would be some version of:
“This too shall pass”….
You’ll get through it
It could be worse
AT LEAST you have…………insert a trillion options for the dreaded “at-leasts….
It’ll be better tomorrow
Just put it out of your mind….
You’re strong – you’ve got what it takes to get through this
A million and one positive statements / quotes / affirmations etc etc….
The Phoenix will rise from the ashes
Just look for the silver lining
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be there for you”…..and then proceed to tell me about how overwhelming whatever is in their life that they think is worse than what I am going through…..
“I know how you feel”, I would hear. “No, you don’t”, I would think,…..“You are not me….”
They weren’t saying, I’m right here with you. I’m not going away. Take whatever time you need……..walking beside me……. or staying silent and being present and listening to me…..crossing the bridge into my world……
And it is not like I needed them to know what it is like for me………you don’t have to have all the answers….or any in fact…..just be interested in me and my story I’m sharing….
People seem to be able to do it for their loved ones when they are told they are dying……or when they are in a critical life state following any number of accidents….. But I don’t see it happening in those many places where the rate of suicide goes up like disaster/trauma, divorce, debt, bankruptcy, chronic illness…..and there are many others…..
Incidentally it is reported that there is a rise in depression and suicides [and domestic violence, marriage breakdown and alcohol and drug abuse] peaking about two years after a traumatic event like a bushfire…..most dealing with continuing issues of stress and many with emotional scars that are still raw…….
And I do know that the darkness and pain I feel is nothing compared to the daily sense of meaningless and hopelessness that many experience….. whose minds trick them into believing they are worthless and un-♡LOVE-able and that their life isn’t worth living………
I do have the resources to eventually shift the darkness and find the light at the end of the tunnel and are able to switch it on….a light that shines so brightly at times it shines for hundreds…..
When I’ve been in that ‘dark place’ I just walk by and ignore all the things that would “wake” me up and soothe me – like the CD player with 100 Hay House talks by the most inspiring group of people imaginable…… I don’t do any EFT tapping or pull out any of the other huge amount of resources that I have for shifting blocked places……
I ignore people’s phone calls, I ignore invitations to be in the company of friends, ignore reading Facebook as others’ good times can feel like a smack in the face when I feel I am suffering…..
My body and my energy are too depleted to make self-♡LOVE-ing choices that are nurturing and caring for myself….I am too exhausted and energy depleted and tired to be able to do things that normally I adore doing…..like having a bath…..too tired to sit in the sauna, too tired even to read a book where I can disappear into another world for respite… not bothering with most forms of self care ……not showering as often as normal, wearing the same dark work clothes day in-day out, not exercising……too lacking of energy to do anything different….It feels somewhat like trying to start a car when there is no petrol or to turn on a light switch when the power is off….
A note to say that I do know all these perceptions are those of a very vulnerable and raw and ‘broken’ part of me….. that easily can be labelled as ‘negative’…… Yet when we are in the ‘dark place’ a different Self has taken over and we no longer perceive the world through a grown-ups eyes and brain…. I am not this Self – it is a part of me that came into existence and developed a long time ago……it is showing up now for reasons that I am aware of that I don’t wish to share….
And sure I am being presumptuous assuming that ♡Robin would have felt unhappy and in pain leading to him killing himself……yet I do know that people don’t kill themselves when they are enjoying the life they are living…..
But I am not here to make sense of why he did it…..just to share what has been touched in me. What it has stirred in me. What has been awakened. And also to send a reminder that your ♡LOVE-ing presence may be what is needed to make a difference in someone’s life and living…..and it matters much more than you think…..
With deep respect and gratitude to ♡Robin Williams and his life for so many reasons.
5 GRATEFULS FOR IT ALL•*¨*•♫♪♡…
1. I am soooooooo grateful that we have finally been able to clear out the room for our new kitchen in the Owl House.
2. I am grateful for ♡Shelton working so supportively and superlatively to clean out the room.
3. I am grateful for ♡Shelton’s strength in being able to move all the heavy things.
4. I am grateful that we went looking at a number of Home Opens today in the Hills and for the many creative ideas people put into designing and organizing their homes which has given me some ideas of what would be good to include in our new Home.
5. I am grateful over and over again at the beauty of the hillsides along the driveway into Warm Fuzzy that get more amazing each day……..seeing and smelling the freesias just take my breath away as they are sooooooo splendid…… :)
♡♡DAY 243 – 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign