Sunday– 27th February 2011
A state of total surrender – Upon first encounter in the massage treatment room on Monday I was presented with what appears to be a torture bed. Happily it is not so. I strategically position my 80kg on this wooden slab, surrendering myself to a tiny 40kg lady with tiny hands.
OMG !!!!!! What was to follow was like sliding down a silk slide into abyss of liquid velvet. All five senses vanished and I entered a world of spiritual flotation. I cannot remember what this woman did to me, as the technique of massage hypnotised me into a state of total surrender and sleep.
Toxic cleansing – My rebirth! This was exactly what I came to India for. A special agent had entered my mind and with care had removed and disposed of all nasty thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. In whole, “stories I was telling myself”. This experience on the first day of this journey provided me with a clean slate to begin the group sessions.
High light of the day – Each day I arise, put on my ‘monk outfit’ and surrender to the ‘slab’ in the massage treatment rooms. One may believe this is the highlight of my day, but it is not so. The highlight of my day after my 2 hour therapeutic massage treatments, 1 hour of meditation, 90 minutes of yoga, beautiful food and great walks and shopping is the group session. The gravitational pull to my friends and mentors is by far the greatest yearning for my body, my soul and my mind. It is where I sit, check in and share my most inner thoughts, my greatest highs and raging lows. I enter that room with happiness and suddenly, with no warning, a thought will enter my mind, my memory is hijacked (taken control of) and without any judgement or prejudice, I can crumble and cry. I proceed to let out 20 years of grief; only to have 7 beautiful souls of the group lick my wounds, allowing me to heal.
After-thought – I have decided today to approach the Gillard Government and rather than providing paid maternity leave, new mums should be sent off to these Retreats to regain their pelvic floor among other things!!!! God knows, they deserve it.
Some of my Story – Hi, my name is Eileen. I am a 40-year-old mother of three beautiful innocent boys under 8 years. My boys have been witnessing their mum and dad separating after 10 years of marriage. They struggle to understand why this is happening, why we cannot make up, give each other a hug, say sorry and be best friends again. Isn’t that what I tell my children when they fall out with their buddies??
Initially, I came to India with the intention of removing all toxins from my mind, as my boys have the right to remain toxic free. No one, including myself, has the right to steal their innocence. I married my husband in 2000. I came to India with the belief Dave and his family were nasty demons. His mother was a main problem in my marriage, always making little comments and tapping of single index finger nail on table. I felt I was in second place to his family. I believed he was lazy and spineless.
After 8 days of sessions, I have realised and accepted that this is NOT the case. They were all stories I was making up.
Now the facts – I entered a family, who all loved and respected each other. Somewhere after my marriage, and in particular after my second child, I decided Dave’s family were all nasties. I believed they disrespected me, thought I was not good enough, that he could have done better, and hey presto, I slowly drew away and started creating story after story in my head. Slowly in crept resentment, and out of nowhere, I drew the first sword of contempt. I have been unaware of the fact that I have being living in contempt and so has Dave, in a vicious cycle with me for 6 years. (He is probably unaware of this fact as was I before coming here)
Susie says “what you are receiving is what you have put out there to receive.” And whatever you have in your world, you have a need inside you for that to be happening. I put out there lots of resentment, anger, spitefulness, and a good dose of contempt and shaming him. Guess what, I received it back!
I have learned that when I truly believed Dave and his family did not respect me, thought I was not good enough, etc, they were all stories in my head. They were not facts, they were stories generated out of my insecurities and my history of being a twin and being in a family where I was one of 7 girls competing for attention among other things.
I created nasty thoughts, nasty words which lead to nasty actions.
With that in mind, I have realised that as I leave the world of contempt and enter a world where my healthy core values exist, I will be a much healthier and happier person, as will the environment I create for my boys. I do not need to worry about cross contaminating my boys. I have made an affirmation to myself to promise to love Dave and respect and honour his needs. I have made an affirmation to myself to promise to respect and honour my needs, and the boy’s needs.
Conclusion – Each day is a clear sunny day, open to new and wonderful experiences, untainted by the past and the stories I make up because of it, as I now live in the now.
Thanks to Eileen for being so open with her story. Tonight over dinner she was sharing how her job is to continuously reprogram her brain into compassionate, loving and valuing thoughts and how she needs to flood herself with these all day long.
Question for you: What has reading Eileen’s sharing reminded you of in your life? What stories might you be making up about someone else that are unloving?
May every day you enter more fully, more deeply into being in love with yourself and others. Much love and appreciation, Susie