10 Deadly Relationship Myths – relationship/marriage Myth busting…

LOVE NOTE – Monday August 15, 2011

♡LOVE is a topic that is greatly misunderstood and there are many MYTHS out there in our culture with regard to relationships and relationship education. This post shares about some common MIS-PERCEPTIONS.

Do check out as you read whether you believe any of these to be true.

 I was searching for some images for this topic and found 10 DEADLY HEALTH MYTHS which I thought very descriptive and appropriate so I’ll adopt it and write about 10 DEADLY RELATIONSHIP MYTHS.  
Note these are not in order of importance.

Why deadly? We need to get real as there is approx a 50% divorce rate for 1st marriages. A very ‘unhealthy’ and harmful figure.

This means roughly speaking every second adult you meet will have suffered the pain of divorce.  And when you add the children involved, who usually don’t get to choose whether their parents divorce or not, that’s a lot of unhappy, hurting people.

[Why didn’t anyone tell me this? Photo credit: myelisa.com]

If you believe these myths your relationship is at a risk of staying alive.

MYTH #1:  
Finding a new partner will solve things!

The divorce rate for second marriages is HIGHER at about 60+%.
People aren’t learning from their first marriages. You WILL repeat the same mistakes if you don’t learn how to do things differently.
And if the relationship started in an affair there is only about a 5% success rate!!!

MYTH #2:  
If there is conflict and you fight and argue and ‘the other’ says or does things that are hurtful/disrespectful/uncaring, etc to you, this means they don’t love you anymore and it means you aren’t meant to be together.

We teach in relationships conflict is inevitable and normal and in fact is a good thing if you know how to work with it.

Did you know that within all negativity – criticisms, complaining, frustrations, irritations, arguments and conflicts are the seeds and potential for deep change, growth and healing for both people? Successful ♡LOVE-ing couples learn how to transform frustrations into needs and how to get those needs met and strengthen their bond in doing so.

“Conflict is growth trying to happen” ~Dr. Harville Hendrix

MYTH #3: 
There is something wrong with your marriage/relationship and it is in serious trouble and at risk if you do Marriage/Relationship Education!

I wrote about this in the July 3rd post – I have a Dream. Divorce is preventable…yet my heart aches 😦 

QUESTION for you: Do you believe this and/or have you had a talk and checked out whether your partner has this false belief?

MYTH #4:
You should know how to do relationships and if you just work harder it will change.

We teach people to work “smarter” not harder and that EVERYONE needs to learn how to behave in different, more “smart” ways.
Doing what you already know how to do will only get you more of what you have already got…

And it doesn’t matter how hard you work!

To get something different you have to do something different.

Learning concrete relationship and communication ♡TOOLS, skills and practical strategies is something everyone needs to be taught.

MYTH #5: 
It Takes 2 to Tango’ and if one person doesn’t want to do the work nothing will change in a relationship.

Not true!  When there is conflict what is going on between two people is what we call a ‘CYCLE OF REACTIVITY’.  The CYCLE is the problem and NOT the other person. In other words, if you stop doing what you are doing, the pattern will change.

Ask yourself: When you feel disconnected or are triggered and reactive what is your main default position – your main move?

Look at the negative bond you are stuck in. What do you each do to pull the other into the cycle?

FILL IN the following:
The more I________________, the more you __________________and then the more I_________________and round and round we go in this __________________
(your name for this cycle)

MYTH #6:
Generally men think they have to be dying or that there has to be major crisis  for them to seek assistance.
They think they should fix their own problems and that it isn’t OK, and generally a sign of weakness, to ask for help.

This is true for some women as well and is also NOT true.

MYTH #7:
Men don’t want to do this work and they won’t talk about what they are feeling and what is happening for them.

Not true! Men want to be listened to and heard.
If women truly cross the bridge into their world and listen with curiosity and empathy, men speak.

FACT: Generally 60 – 70% of men are “dragged along” to our Workshops under threat of divorce/separation.
And people are surprised to find out that approx 2/3rds of divorces are filed by women, most of whom still love their partners.

The repeated comment we hear from the men at the end of the Workshop is how sad they are to realize how much damage and pain could have been avoided if they had the knowledge and tools and skills years earlier. Again and again we hear comments like:

It is quite amazing how simple things are when we have the right tools.”

Once they do the Workshop, generally men are as pleased and excited about this work as the women, and both men and women proclaim the value of it.

MYTH #8:
And They Lived Happily Ever After

doesn’t happen and isn’t possible.

We do know many couples who were struggling and disconnected who did the Work and are now happy and still together many years later.

Yet the norm is most couples do not have experiences of healthy, happy, long-term, vibrant marriages or relationships.

We are creating a Register of happy and successful long-term relationships and request those of you doing this to write and tell your story so we can show people they do exist and are definitely possible!

MYTH #9:
The Romantic Stage is what ♡LOVE is really about.

We teach that all relationships go through predictable Stages and however glorious it may feel, the heady  ‘Romantic /Infatuation Stage’ will be followed by the ‘Power Struggle’ and it is meant to happen. 

MYTH #10:
Picking the right partner” is more important than “being the right partner”.

The difficulties we experience in relationship arise from our lack of awareness about what we’re doing in our relationships, NOT from our choice of partners.
When you remain unaware of the hidden agenda of ♡LOVE and conflict, you will keep making the same mistakes.  We teach that relationships have an unconscious purpose which is to get the needs met that weren’t met as you were growing up.  You will also unconsciously select a partner who is unskilled in meeting those very needs.  You bring that agenda to all your adult relationships.

This is a revolutionary view of relationships:
rather than leaving it to find yourself, you find yourself through it – being
the right partner is more important than picking the right partner.”
~Dr. Harville Hendrix

All relationships can flourish and grow by participating in Relationship Education. We consider that relationships and learning Communication ♡TOOLS and Skills as the 4th “R” of Education. These need to be learnt in much the same way as we need to learn to read – we are not born knowing how! And we all need to regularly update these.

We are in the business of teaching and coaching such ♡TOOLS and Skills. It is our privilege to be of service to you.

Reminder: You don’t have to have a bad marriage or relationship to want a better one…

Now if this post was about how your child would be disadvantaged in life if they didn’t learn how to read, I imagine you would be enrolling them in the best available reading program fairly soon. Is that a yes?

We have seen many relationships and families that have been ‘saved’ for us to stay quiet and small about the importance of this work. Even the most distant partner or parent can be motivated to give it another try.

One problem is people usually wait till they are at a crisis point. Statistics show on average couples put off seeking help for marital/relationship problems for about SIX YEARS once a problem is recognized. That is a lot of years of pain and unhappiness! And keep in mind; half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years and only a small percentage of couples seek help.

Message or email us to book a session or Intensive either face-to-face or by Skype or Facetime, or for details about signing up for our Create The Relationships You Want Workshop, or to chat about how our ♥LOVE LIFE COUPLES INTIMACY RETREAT will benefit you as a couple. FOR a ‘taster’ of a past RETREAT see HERE

I’m interested in your comments about what you think of the 10 Deadly Relationship Myths, including views to the contrary. As well, please share other Myths you consider destroy relationships.

Enjoy exploring and growing your relationships this week, with Blessings and ♡LOVE Susie.

Today’s Addition to my list of My ♥favourite things… c u d d l e s and cuddling

cuddling

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world” ~ Nelson Mandela.

“The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

About susiesheartpathblog

My aim with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart, mind and soul while sharing information and resources about conscious relationships, communication and ♡LOVE and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and lovable… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ★TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a keen net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of resources that are available. I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the resources are there or if they do where to find them. Putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities is a high priority for me….
This entry was posted in ♥LOVE NOTE, ♥MIRRORING Topic, ♥TOOLS, My ♥favourite things, Question for you, Relationships, TOP Posts on Relationships & LOVE♥ and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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