♥LOVE NOTE – Thursday August 18, 2011
Wondering how you are going on Gottman’s first two Tips –
1. Seek Help Early. Are you someone who hasn’t done any Relationship Education?
Did you make a decision to schedule a course or Workshop after reading the ♥LOVE NOTE – Saturday August 6, 2011 –
What Makes Marriage Last and ♥Tips To Transform Any Relationship
If not, I’m curious why not? If you have, is it time for a refresher or advanced course?
B-laming, B-elittling, B-ullying
Questions for you: Which of the SCABS do you use that you need to remove? What are you going to replace them with? What do you need to do to repair the damage?
♥MIRRORING TOPIC: Choose one behaviour/habit you are going to begin working on changing and share with someone and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes. Or choose any of the points below and share how it impacts you.
Here’s a few points to think about:
- We see criticism as a cry for help – in fact this is true for any of the SCABS.
- Underneath all criticism is a NEED, a desire.
- Usually what we criticise and judge in the other are part of what we need to develop in ourselves for our own growth.
- “The degree of emotional reaction to a trait in someone else is the degree to which that trait exists in you, whether the trait is viewed as negative or positive.” (p.166 Keeping The Love You Find by Dr. Harville Hendrix) “The conflicts you will have with your partner are externalizations of the conflicts going on inside you. Whatever you either idealize or despise in your partner is likely to be true, to some degree, about you.” (p.168)
- Seeing our own and the other’s criticisms in a different and positive light is to create an attitude of compassion and empathy and connection.
- Whenever we become aware of our own or the other’s stance of criticism and judgement we have an opportunity to REFRAME our thinking and look at it in another way.
- When we view peoples’s frustrating characteristics and criticisms as their survival “strategy” we can then look beneath at their wounds and needs.
- We think of PROTECTIONS (‘defenses’) and WOUNDS together. If you cut your finger, you form a scab, which is a protective covering to protect the wound until it is healed. Where one is emotionally hurt you form an EMOTIONAL SCAB – you develop a style of being, a way of relating, a pattern of behaviour that protects you from being hurt again in the same way.
- remember the ‘cycle of reactivity’ – these very ways you protect yourself will ‘trigger’ those in close relationship with you and will be what fuels the disconnection between you……….
More on all this in a future post…
Gottman’s next Marriage Tip is:
3. Soften Your “Start Up”. Raise issues ‘softly’.
“Discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. That’s why 96% of the time I can predict the fate of a conflict discussion in the first three minutes!” says Gottman.
If you start an argument harshly by attacking your partner verbally it will usually escalate and make the conflict bigger. Eliminate criticism and contemptuous accusations.
Replace them with complaints followed by a request for change. This is especially important for women who tend to be the ones who bring up the problems.
Sending lots of supportive energy as you tackle this huge harming and hurting that 99% of us engage in to some degree or another……..
With ♥LOVE and gratitude, Susie.
as Shelton and I so enjoy the walk around the river especially at the time when the bougainvillea is flowering and the craft markets are on……well worth a visit to Brisbane, Queensland…
…which by the way we will be doing September 8 -13th. We are presenting the powerful Keeping The Love You Find Workshop for individuals, singles and couples as well as a one-day workshop on Monday on Hope & Healing After An Affair.
We will be giving an Introduction to our work as part of the Movie Night on Thursday evening 8th September. Big Hellos to all our Brisbane community. Would be great to see you there. Susie♥