♥LOVE TIP – Friday October 14, 2011
This is a challenging post to write. Yet it keeps ‘knocking’ on my consciousness so here goes.
There’s a strong theme that I have actually been promoting and it is also showing up on many people’s pages and over and over again in emails I receive and as part of promotions across many different topics – relationships, parenting, psychological theory, health and wellness, marketing, business and so on……
And the theme is about being positive and happy and surrounding yourself with positive, happy, ♡LOVE-ing people.
I watched the following video this morning which is part of one of the most popular voted stories in a Facebook Reader’s Digest contest. It is about a small dog called Chase which the pound called “un-adoptable”. They said that years of physical and mental abuse prevented her from being “normal”……..
The video is of her being ‘rescued’ and given a home. At first she snarled and tried to bite them…..
They comment that Chase’s behaviour at the Shelter was due to her deepest fears of someone hurting her again…….
What do you notice about the care that Chase receives?
What I see is fairly consistent and constant stroking and patting of her and holding her close and tenderly……
So what I am going to do is invite you to do is S T R E T C H and to consider people’s negativity and bad behaviour in the same way as viewing Chase’s behaviour –
as being about their deepest fears of someone hurting them again…
Yet how many people ‘hang in there’ with even the people close to them when they are ‘snarling and biting and attacking’ or withdrawing or quite simply just showing bad behaviour?
My belief is all bad behaviour is because of some sort of repetition of ‘physical and mental abuse’ which prevents people from being ‘normal’ and what they need most is our attention, compassion, understanding, validation and unconditional acceptance and caring.
– That doesn’t mean we condone or accept their bad behaviour and negativity.
– It does mean that we don’t criticize and judge and reject.
– It does mean that we do find ways to ‘hold’ them and stroke them and be tender with them.
I believe that ‘we are all doing the best we can until we find a better way’ and that our behaviours are the best we can do to protect ourselves. And all the ways we defend ourselves are our “survival “strategies” – that is, the ways we learned to protect ourselves when we were at risk when we were younger….
And the style or the way that we do act/behave is based on what was acceptable in those environments that we grew up in and what we have been taught. And these ways are so automatic and unconscious in much the same way as breathing or speaking the language that we speak.
As Rob Fisher in “Experiential Psychotherapy with Couples” so eloquently states:
“People want to change desperately, while at the same time wholeheartedly resisting change. We long for freedom from the self-imposed limitations of our character, yet our defenses usually inform us that they are our allies, and we would be fools to come out from behind their protective cover.”
Underneath defenses [negativity] is real pain. The bigger the defenses [negativity] the more difficult it is for that person to communicate their feelings directly……and the more they need our compassion and kindness and ♡LOVE ….
So moving away from and rejecting people who are in ‘close’ relationship to us when they are being “negative” – like our partners, siblings, children, parents or friends, doesn’t make sense to me as this is the time they need us most to stay close and caring and ♡LOVE-ing.
At those times what humans need is for others to support them to protect and soothe their deeper vulnerability….. and not give attention to all the methods they use to ‘hide’ that vulnerability……which actually means us becoming their ally and friend in much the same way as Chase received…
Receiving and trusting kind and ♡LOVE-ing attention from others at those moments will probably be one of the hardest things for them to do…..because if they are not behaving in “positive ways” they won’t have grown and developed the neural pathways and receptors for taking it in……..If they did the reactivity and rupture wouldn’t be happening is my take…….
And also a reminder that you doing what is hardest to do for the other that is in accordance with your own core values is your greatest growth edge. It is our responsibility to act with integrity around our core values regardless of how it feels.
If one of my core values is to be kind and ♡LOVE-ing then I say,
“Are my actions kind and ♡LOVE-ing?”
Instead of saying things like:
Does this feel good?
Do I feel like doing it?
Does this feel right?
Do they deserve it?
They are not the best questions if we want to live a life of integrity.
Question for you: What does this post bring up for you? Ask someone to ♥MIRROR you as you share and we’d love to hear from you as well about its impact on you. Am I making sense to you?
I think people deserve the ♡LOVE and understanding and compassion and kindness that seems so easy for people to give to animals…..and I do know how hard it is to stay compassionate and ♡LOVE-ing when we get attacked and pushed away and rejected and snarled at or equally if it’s the other side of the coin which is when we are ignored, dismissed and all the ways of not being connected to!!
So maybe our quest needs to be kindness and acting in accordance with our core values and not just seeking happiness and being positive……
Wondering and reflecting, LOVE SUSIE♥
Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us. ~ Marianne Williamson
– it seems appropriate to repeat this quote with this post