♥LOVE NOTE – Monday 7th, 2012
Hello Lovely ONES♥
A Mother Understands What A Child does not say……..
true for you or NOT? ……..
For many it is not true. Says K:
“i have major issues with my mother. with one week til mother’s day. it’s getting painful. i don’t speak with my mother. she has hurt me too much in the past. i have forgiven and gone back to trying to forge a healthy relationship with her but it just doesn’t work. i have had years of psychotherapy to heal myself and it’s still a work in progress but all the while they do nothing to change or have healthy relationships with their children……”
Such poignant sharing. Can you relate? Mothers have such a tremendous impact on our lives…….I’m wondering what was/is your relationship like with your mother?
In my work many come to explore their relationships with significant people in their early life. One of the most re-occurring and common themes people share is about estrangement and separation and alienation between them and their mothers. There is much deep pain and disconnection…….many with aching, broken hearts and a longing for ♡LOVE, and yet this longing is often covered up by ‘a bravado’ and many false beliefs people have about themselves…..
False beliefs and negative self-talk such as:-
I’m not lovable
I’m the problem
It doesn’t matter what I do it will never be good enough
I can’t rely on anybody
It’s all my fault
I’m a joke
I don’t deserve…
I’m not worthy
I’m to blame
I don’t fit in
I don’t belong
There’s basically something wrong with me
Others will always let you down
I’m inadequate, inferior, defective…
I don’t have a right to exist
You can’t trust anyone…
And so on……and on………
Children aren’t born thinking such things about themselves!!
Children are born ready to ♡LOVE and to receive ♡LOVE….
So what happens….?
I think about new parents, about new mothers……..and the first time they hold their babies and the deep amount of ♡LOVE they feel ……….The promises they make to themselves that they will do whatever it takes to be the best parent they can…..
And yet…. children don’t come with Instruction Books! AND parents (and all adults) come with a history…….with ‘baggage’….set/default beliefs, opinions, behaviours, responses….
Are you a parent as well as a daughter or a son? Do you remember that first time you held your baby and the depth of ♡LOVE you felt? …..The promises you made to yourself that you would do whatever it took to be the best parent you could…..
And now…… without having had good Instruction Books, are you at a stage where your children don’t listen to you?
- And as well, what about the way you listen and the way you talk?
- Are you kind and gentle and respecting, valuing and validating? Do you pay attention to these?
- Do you have good communication skills?……
Are you getting curious? What do you do or say in reaction to your children? What sets you off? There is gold in your reactions. Study your responses. Do you see a pattern?
Your children can trigger your greatest nightmare or they can be your greatest teachers – it’s your choice.
All parents have times when they find themselves doing or saying things to their children that are against their deeper values. “I don’t want to yell at my children, they just push my buttons and I get so mad I can’t seem to stop myself”……
- So what happens to this ♡LOVE and cherishing as they grow up,…… as we grew up? Where does the preciousness go, the sense of cherishment, the marvelling at their/our perfection….
- Where does that fierce sense of protection and caring and looking after go? The ♡LOVE-ing and being ♡LOVE-able and ♡LOVE-d…
- Why does the criticising start, the judgments….the complaining….the neglect…..?
And here we are again with childhood conditioning automatically and invisibly directing our lives. From earliest childhood, our brains as well as our parents’ brains, are formed and wired according to what is repeated in environments around us.
It is important to identify what is your unconscious childhood template of a ♡LOVE-ing parent-to-child relationship……as well as having an understanding of the unconscious template of our parents…..
Childhood experiences affect parenting.
In the post DAILY ♥LOVE NOTE – Saturday September 17, 2011 – With what is your ♥child living?….I share a few of my favourite images to show how strong this influence is…..
Parenting programs need to include helping people to understand their emotional responses to their children and how their childhood experiences affect their parenting and how to change this if what they are doing isn’t working. And by working I mean that both the parent and the child are happy.
I value K sharing above so honestly reminding us that there are always many different experiences happening at once in relation to what can seem like a ‘neutral’ topic. Her sharing painfully expresses that Mother’s Day can trigger and bring up much pain and hurt…..and yes this does show there is still healing to do…..and yes there are many ways to work with this wounding whether you are the child as K is, or if you are the mother…… always such very tender and moving work….
So here’s an ♡EXERCISE for you to ‘play’ with:
Each day for the next 30 days for a minimum of 5 minutes visualize your mother relating to you in detail in any ways that you want her to:–
♥hear her saying to you the words you want to hear,
♥feel her touching you how you want,
♥see her being with you in ways that you want – the actions, the behaviours;
See/hear/feel/experience her doing what you long for…….
You could even find images of what you want to be happening in magazines, on Google images, or you may even have photos of her being the ways you want in the past…..and put them where you will regularly see them…or make a collage….or vision board…..
An example in my life is one of the things that I wanted from my mother was to be able to sit either on the floor in front of her or on the couch next to her and put my head on her lap and have her stroke my hair.
We didn’t have a relationship that included that sort of affection and nurturing and she never did that for me……..
So what I did was visualize her doing just that with all the full body experiencing and feeling of being in the moment of it…the caressing, the tenderness, the gentleness, taking the time,……..
The consequence of doing this is when I think of her (she’s dead now) that is a memory that I associate with her….as well as having the body feeling of it…..
- What is being touched in you as you read this post?
- As a child what is the most important thing that you get from your mother?
- As a child what is/are the things that you are missing getting from your mother?
- As a parent what is/would be most important for you to pass onto your child(ren)?
♥MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share your responses with another and have them ♥MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal.
Imagine all mothers being filled with much joy and gratefulness when thinking of their children at whatever age they are. And turn it around and imagine everyone feeling grateful for the extraordinary and magnificent human being their mother is. Imagine how different the world would be if it was the norm for everyone to learn how to be a parent. How absurd it is that we don’t prioritize and actually make it compulsory education for everyone to learn the information and ♡TOOLS and skills to navigate this most important journey – the foundation of everything else in our society.
Falling in ♡LOVE with our new babies is mostly easy………..staying ♡LOVE-ing is another matter…. everyone needs to learn how.
Sending wishes for the ♥Happiest Mother’s Day to all our mothers who we at some time or another thought was the best Mum/Mom/Mama/Mummy/…. in the whole wide world…….How long since you really told them you ♡LOVE them…..?
My gratefulness to all mothers who truly are committed to being the best possible mother you can be. Raising happy and confident kids is one of the most important jobs you do – It lasts a lifetime!….
Much LOVE and appreciation, Susie♥
For another post on Mothering see ♥LOVE NOTE – Saturday May 7, 2011
A Tribute to ♥Motherhood – being a parent is one of the most important jobs you do. It lasts a lifetime! ♡
The celebration of Mother’s Day is this coming Sunday here in Australia and in other parts of the world and we have suggested ♥MOTHERS as a special FOCUS for the MAY 30 Day Being-♥LOVE Campaign…..
Many have creatively accepted the challenge and have chosen a variety of tasks to do…If you are one of those participating I’m wondering how you are going after the first week and would welcome hearing your Updates ….both the impact on you and whoever you are focusing on……please share your stories with us……and as some people’s sharing shows, it may be bitter-sweet…..