Frustrations and Conflict as ♡Gifts – The ★F Cycle

LOVE NOTE – Tuesday July 10th, 2012

Hello Friends

I’m mulling over ideas to write about relationships and the ♡Gift they are to our own personal and spiritual journeys, especially the idea that:

Frustrations, conflict and reactivity in relationships are opportunities for growth and healing.

For BOTH PEOPLE.

Go on. You can smile/laugh/smirk/….. and wonder inquiringly whether I’m ‘sane’ or __________  (insert your own words)

Maybe it’s…. ‘you’ve got to be kidding‘…..as you think back to the last time you had a Frustration or Fight or Feud or Flare-Up or Falling-Out

Reactivity and triggering and conflict can be such clinical descriptors/labels but NOT what it feels like when someone you ♡LOVE/respect/value/care about is doing one of those F Things to/at/with you.

So when I say conflict in relationships are opportunities for growth and healing people do wonder and think –
– whether I do know what I am talking about, and
– think that I’m just being too ‘fluffy’ and airy fairy or
– ______________________________ (this is where you can insert your own words)

But after some doubting they get it that I am serious and committed about this and they become curious.

So you’re saying both people will end up getting their different needs met!!……”

“OK then.  How then?…..” they say challenging-ly.

And YES it is going to take a lot of explaining how two people who usually are ♡LOVE-ing and accepting of each other have become instant enemies…..which is what happens when the frustrations and reactivity are intense.

Those same two people are now at opposite poles or like they are on different planets. You know it’s like ‘all hell has broken loose’, or it’s that freezing coldness, or the feeling of walking on eggshells and explosions – like in the land-mine post

But people are intrigued, and are willing to do what it takes to learn about and learn how to do, what feels like ‘A Secret Formula’, and to practice it!

Well this has been my experience with those people willing to do whatever it takes to create ♡LOVE and happiness in their lives.

And it is my fantasy 😊 ……Vision…….Mission…..Passion…….that one day everyone will understand and think and act this way.

Being educated about how to be a ♡LOVE-ing conscious partner/parent/friend and how to be in respecting, valuing partnerships in all areas of their lives, will be as commonplace as bottled water or iPhones!

Wow what a Vision!

And NOTE – this work applies in all areas of your life where you are in relationship.

It’s True! Growth and healing do happen! But it makes sense you are sitting there wondering, and maybe doubting.

We don’t grow up learning conflict in our relationship is a GOOD thing!! And learning what Dr ♡Harville Hendrix means in his popular quote:

“Conflict is growth trying to happen”……

Conflict-growth-hands-IRD

Yet, and this is the main point to The Secret – It is only a good thing if you have the ♡Tools and ★Skills to decode and transform conflict and complaints into NEEDS, and have The Processes to follow so that both people get their different NEEDS met.

These are crucial ★Life Skills we consider everyone needs to learn.

What happens when there is FRUSTRATION or FIGHTS or FEUDS or FLARE-UPS or FALLING-OUT….. is that people are in what we call The FRUSTRATION CYCLE.  In short –The F CYCLE.

The F Cycle 
– We experience ‘the Other’ not meeting our NEED
– We feel FRUSTRATION
– Leads to and includes us criticising ‘the Other’
– ‘the Other’ defends
– Emotion and criticism increase
– ‘the Other’ raises defence
– The NEED is still not met which will result in even more frustration and doing more of the ‘F Things’ and will likely include any of: criticizing, contempt, condescension, superiority, sarcasm, attacking, belittling, blaming, disdain, rejecting, quarreling, withdrawing, whining, whingeing and putting down…..and add any others that you or your partner does….either overtly or very often covertly….and just thinking in any of these ways is included.
– Alienation from ‘the Other’

We teach people to replace it with the ♡NEED SATISFACTION CYCLE.  In short – The NS Cycle.

We take two jam-packed days in our Communication Workshops to teach the basics that lead up to people understanding how to do this. In this post my intention is to write about ★The F CYCLE and follow on with another post about ♡The NS CYCLE.

Some IMPORTANT TIPS we emphasize strongly:-

1) Doing this learning is essential to everyone who is in any relationship they value.

2) It isn’t easy to understand and really get it. There are STEPS and basic ★SKILLS to learn first.

There is a SEQUENCE to follow that builds on understanding and mastering the previous points and THESKILLS of:
MIRRORING VALIDATION and EMPATHY
Crossing the Bridge
QTIPQuit Taking It Personally – what ‘the Other’ says, says more about them than it does about me
SIMUStory I Make Up – your interpretations
S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G: moving out of your comfort zone and doing behaviours that are uncomfortable, unfamiliar, unnatural and don’t feel ‘like you’.

3) It isn’t easy because our brains are wired physiologically to act the ways we do now. It’s like if you are left-handed you will automatically write with your left hand.
You don’t have to think about, and make a choice which hand to write with when you reach for a pen.
If you protect/defend by getting angry, withdrawing,______________
[insert your automatic style]
you don’t have to think about and make a choice which way to protect/defend. You just do it automatically when your ‘old brain’ registers danger.

4) The way you automatically protect/defend when you are in ★The F Cycle is the way you learnt how to do it as a child in the face of experiences that were happening in the environment you lived in that didn’t feel safe.

5) It will feel like the ways you are acting when you are in ★The F Cycle are instinctively and intuitively ‘the right thing’ to do even though they aren’t getting you the ♡LOVE and respect and caring and connection that you want.

6) Both people will feel inner resistance to change because such behaviours are not natural to either of you – if they were you would have them in your life. This is either for the one doing the new behaviour your partner wants from you, or as the person getting what you want. Being on the receiving end of this new behaviour will feel uncomfortable for you even though it is what you desire the most. Both people will have Inner Saboteurs that will be a challenge to this process working smoothly.

7) For it to become natural and automatic in your relationships it will take a lot of repetition and practice….. like when you are learning to play the piano or other musical instrument or competing in your favourite sports activity or a new work task. You can’t just do it a little bit and expect your life to change other than a little bit.

It has to become a daily way of being and practice.

8) Being coached in the beginning and where you get stuck is wise and needed by about 80% of people.

9) We can change our brains and re-wire them and we can influence and make it safe for others to change in relation to us.

Did you know that the habitual avoidance of conflict is the No. 1 predictor of marriages failing and divorce?  People think that avoiding conflict will make it go away!!

The reasons this doesn’t work is because under all ★F Cycles there is a NEED that is unmet in the present and as well it is highly likely not met in the past. This is in relation to:

  1. Frustrations that last more than 10 minutes and/or re-occur. They are most likely linked to history – meaning it is touching on an unmet NEED
  2. We apply the 90/10 rule:
    10% is about present and what ‘the Other’ did and
    90% is about history

Conflict is inevitable and normal in relationships and there will always be frustrations as there is always difference.

We are all different people with different likes and dislikes and different needs and wants, different styles and tastes, different personalities, different habits and different priorities.

Some of us are fast, some slow, some risk takers, some adventurous, some self-reliant, others dependent, some fragile, maybe spiritual, maybe sporty, some competitive, others methodical, others ‘scatty’, some reserved, some quiet, others extroverted, outgoing, some expressive and feeling, others logical and rational and so on… It takes many types to make up our world!

And because of our differences there are going to be plenty of things we don’t like and disagree about with the people around us.

This is a lot of information to take in.

I hope you are feeling stimulated by this important topic. What questions do you have? Please do ask.

Be gentle and kind to yourself around your ★F Cycles. Small steps are important.

Please feel free to pass on and share this information about these crucial ★Life Skills everyone needs to learn.

Healthy relationships are the foundation of a healthy society and a peaceful world.

 May All LOVE surround you, gratefully Susie

Dr Harville Hendrix♥

“This is a revolutionary view of relationships: rather than leaving the relationship to find yourself, you find yourself through it – being the right partner is more important than picking the right partner.”Dr ♡Harville Hendrix

“Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” ~ ♡Pema Chödrön

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ ♡Anthony Robbins 

About susiesheartpathblog

My aim with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart, mind and soul while sharing information and resources about conscious relationships, communication and ♡LOVE and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and lovable… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ★TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a keen net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of resources that are available. I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the resources are there or if they do where to find them. Putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities is a high priority for me….
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1 Response to Frustrations and Conflict as ♡Gifts – The ★F Cycle

  1. Pingback: ♥Mirroring – giving quality attention & deep heart listening | susies♥heartpathblog

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