♥Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness

LOVE NOTE – Monday August 27, 2012

Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness…..The Agenda you bring from your childhood does!!

And what this has to do with why you choose your partner?

“Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Hello dear Friends♡

I am so excited to have found this quote.  I think this is one of the most profound and succinctly put sayings I have come across on relationships for a long while.

And why is this?

Many theories of relationship include this idea. Let me share with you a perspective or a way of looking at relationships that will significantly influence the way you see the world and all your relationships. It is a synthesis of many theories.

Remember when you fell in ♡LOVE…it was like all your dreams had come true. Like you imagined it would last forever.

You thought you chose your ♡Beloved because they were soft, gentle, ♡LOVE-ing…  maybe strong, dependable, intelligent or playful, handsome, free-spirited, spontaneous, generous, spiritual, good-looking, had a great body, sexy, beautiful…

You know all those gorgeous qualities you place at the head of your list if you are thinking about what to look for when you are searching for your ideal partner.


BUT the part of our brain that ‘sees’ and relates to all these wonderful qualities is unfortunately NOT the part of us that chooses our partners!

There is a hidden reason you picked your partner and a hidden agenda in ♡LOVE relationships.

1.    Relationships have an unconscious purpose and that is to get the needs met that weren’t met as we were growing up.

2.    Every living thing has embedded within it a ‘blueprint’ for what it will become as an adult. For humans this blueprint involves accomplishing certain developmental tasks at specific stages during childhood.

All children go through DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES. ATTACHMENT, EXPLORATION, IDENTITY, COMPETENCE are the first four. We focus on them as they are the most formative:

  • The first Stage is ATTACHMENT where the primary job is for the baby to be attached and close and bonded to their parents. They will feel emotional security and safety which for them equals their needs being attended to and met.
  • In EXPLORATION they start to move away and explore the world and learn it is OK to be separate knowing their parent is available and present when they come back.
  • The IDENTITY STAGE is where the child ‘tries on’ all kinds of identities and ways of being and asserting who they uniquely are and the parent is supportive of their different choices.
  • The COMPETENCE STAGE is where the focus is on learning how to do tasks and achieve things. Failing and being allowed to try again with the parent offering instructions and guidance and valuing achievement. The healthy outcome is a sense of personal power to achieve.

Everyone goes through these Stages.

Let’s take a closer look at the FIRST STAGE in a bit more depth:

  • to be available
  • attuned to the baby and their needs and
  • to respond out of that tuning in

The primary need for the baby is to be close and attached and bonded to the parent. The parent needs to be reliably available and reliably warm and to respond to what the infant needs when they need it, regardless of whether it is convenient for them or not.

HEALTHY OUTCOME – emotional security for the child; “I am bonded, I feel secure, I am safe. There is always someone there when I reach out and need them.”

It helps to see parenting styles and the wounding for the child on a continuum.

On one side of the continuum is:
– the parent is inconsistently available and unpredictable, and they are consistently cold
– resulting wound for the child is rejection and feeling unwanted, unlovable and alone.
– the child usually ‘protects/defends themselves by pulling in, detaching, holding back and avoiding.

On the other end:
– the parent is inconsistently available and inconsistently warm.
Sometimes they are present and sometimes they are not; sometimes cold, sometimes warm.
– the wound for the child is abandonment
– they usually ‘protect/defend‘ themselves by clinging; by ‘going after’ and hanging on tightly.

Intermittent reinforcement is the strongest there is. You get rewarded sometimes and sometimes you don’t.  You chase after because you know that at some point you will get some of your needs met. This is where the wound of abandonment begins.
You have experienced connection and you want it back. And this is how ‘clingers’ are created.

3.    Since most people have had ‘less-than-perfect’ childhoods and have been around ‘less-than-perfect’ care-givers they have needs that were not met as they went through the Stages. The associated developmental tasks were not completely accomplished either. This leads to what are called in popular psychology, “childhood wounds” or ‘baggage’. 

Think of childhood “wounds” as needs that haven’t been met.

Their parents did not meet these needs for many reasons, which usually are not conscious and intentional.  Most parents do the best they can given the learning they had.

More often than not, we act the way we do because of how our parents treated and taught us.

4.     Another part of the relationship “blueprint” we have inside us is:
– an image or
– a picture or
– a template of

the way someone who loves/cares for us will treat us,
and the way we will respond to them and treat them. 

This image is made up of both the positive and the negative traits of those people who influenced us in the formative years. This is mainly up till about six to seven years old.

From earliest childhood, our brains are actually formed and wired according to what is repeated in the environment around us. Whatever is reoccurring over and over and modeled to us by the people around us, becomes our reality about who we are and what we can expect from people in the world.

This is backed up by scientific research on the brain which shows that the neural pathways that are at the basis of our behaviour are formed in relation to the people that are significant to us as we are growing up. Caretakers are most crucial in influencing and shaping the child’s developing self-image and world-image.

5.    Whatever is fired (repeated) over and over gets wired.

Our brain then is in fact “hard-wired” to sabotage our significant relationships by ‘creating’ in our lives the very things that we grew up not wanting!! 

Question for you:  What were the models of behaviour and LOVE and caring that you were exposed to and influenced by as you were growing up? It is important to be curious about and to explore and be aware of this in yourself and your partner/’the other’.

6.    So the result is unknowingly, we are drawn to and select partners who are like our parents/primary care-givers.

Our partners will have both the positive and the negative characteristics of the people who raised us. The image or template inside us is the basis that we unconsciously chose from. Our unconscious has been programmed since we were born so that we are attracted to, and partner with someone who has a synthesis of the characteristics that were around us as were growing up which can feel like our ‘worst nightmare’!

7.    So the consequence is our partners will be unskilled in helping us to get those important unmet needs met!

We bring that agenda to ALL our adult relationships.

couple-infidelity-arguing8.     And this unconscious agenda is why relationships can shift from the place of deepest ♡LOVE to total negativity and pain and unhappiness in the space of seconds. Your partner just “turned into” your father/brother/mother/uncle_________/other significant people.

And you swore you would never chose a husband or wife or partner like that!!!

And as well as their actions hurting and frustrating you and creating pain and unhappiness in the present, it reminds you of all the times you didn’t get your needs met and how hurt you felt when you were growing up, whether you remember the link or not.

There is also an element of betrayal in those times of conflict as in the early Romantic Stage when we are ‘blind’ to the negative characteristics we think we have finally found someone who is going to meet our needs and ♡LOVE us in the way we have always longed for.

The Nature of ♡Love

Love-Clip-Art“Most of the serious problems in relationships stem from the fact that people do not understand the true nature of love”
says Dr ♡Pat Love in her highly recommended book, “The Truth About Love”.

9.    She says people have many misconceptions and myths about the nature of ♡LOVE and these lead to destructive conclusions.

All relationships go through normal and predictable STAGES and many people mistake the lows for the end of ♡LOVE.

Remember when you fell in ♡LOVE. This is called THE ROMANTIC /INFATUATION STAGE:

  • it is when you first meet and are developing your relationship.
  • it feels like all your dreams have come true.
  • you imagine it will last forever.
  • you are in a chemically-driven space where you only experience your partner’s positive qualities.
  • it is the first and a crucial stage in the journey of creating Real ♡LOVE.

Yet this is not what ♡LOVE is really about.

This Stage doesn’t last and it isn’t meant to.

We then move into the next stage called THE POWER STRUGGLE. Arrrrgh!!

  • the negative qualities you thought you had left behind are now showing up
  • you feel like you are living in your worst nightmare
  • your partner’s behaviour reminds you of the very things you wanted to get away from when you left home!

Is there one thing all people need to know?

10.    People need to know what ♡LOVE is, and what ♡LOVE is not—that ♡LOVE is not sexual desire, not infatuation.

Learn how to ♡LOVE your partner in the way they want to be LOVED. That’s really the key.

11.    Find out what your partner needs, what says, “I ♡LOVE you” to your partner,
and give it as A GIFT.

“It’s a misconception that love is a feeling and you either have it, or you don’t. The fact is that LOVE grows in response to getting your needs met” ~ ♡Pat Love

12.    Your greatest growth and life changes and healing will come from

S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G into doing the very things that will make your partner feel most ♡LOVED and cared for.

Paradoxically, these are the very behaviours that will be the hardest for you to do!!

“This is a revolutionary view of relationships: rather than leaving it to find yourself, you find yourself through it – being the right partner is more important than picking the right partner.”  ~ Dr. ♡Harville Hendrix.

13.    The partner that most matches what you got in the past is the person who is most able to help you to heal the wounds of your past. Your marriage/relationship becomes the therapy—you become healed not by a counselor but by the relationship itself!

What touches our heart is someone:
– who is unskilled and thus unable to give us what we want,
– being willing to learn how, and
– to S-T-R-E-T-C-H into doing those things that are the hardest for them to do,
– and in doing so, give us what we never got.

This then re-creates or is a replica of the child-parent relationship where the child longed for the parent to change and be there for them and to meet their needs.

Couple-on-lawnWhat does your partner ask you to do that is important to them that you don’t do very well? 

It might be listening, or talking or not talking, or spending time doing things together, or feeling, or touching, or cuddling, or laughing and playing, or speaking gently, or dancing, or valuing the way they do things, or going on holidays instead of always working, or giving you their undivided attention, or being on time, or making love,…or a million and one things.

What does your partner ask you to do that you continually reject?

This again, is your greatest growth edge and opportunity for you to grow into being more of who you truly are.

Giving your partner what is hardest to give is healing for them as you are meeting their needs but it is also growthful for you as you have to  S-T-R-E-T-C-H into doing new behaviours that weren’t OK for you to do as you were growing up.  It will feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It won’t feel like “being you”.

And this process will be going on both waysWhat do you need your partner to do that is important to you that they don’t do, or don’t do very well, and mostly will be continually ignoring and/or rejecting? It is often like they don’t even ‘see’ or understand or ‘get’ that we have these very needs.

14.    ♡LOVE is a DECISION. It is not just a feeling. It is a decision we make (or we don’t make) and we make it every day, every minute, in the way that we behave love is a decisionwith one another.

Motivational and management specialist ♡Stephen Covey was asked at one of his seminars by a participant:
“What do you do when you don’t feel like you love your wife anymore?”
He answered: “Go home and love her…..”
And the guy said…”But I just told you I don’t love her anymore.”
He replied.  “♡LOVE is a verb. It is something that you do.” 
Love is a verb

15.   Unfortunately another piece of our emotional ‘character’ is – the very thing we most want and need our partners to S-T-R-E-T-C-H into doing or giving us, will be the hardest for us TO RECEIVE – and for them when it is turned around.

We DO NOT have the RECEPTORS for taking it in just because they learn to S-T-R-E-T-C-H into giving it to us. We have to grow and develop the capacity TO RECEIVE. This will take time as it will for ‘the other’ to learn how to do the actions that will meet our needs.

The more clear you can get about your history and ‘the baggage’ you bring with you the more connecting and intimate your relationships will become.

And by the way, this doesn’t just apply to your primary ♡LOVE relationships. This process applies to All your relationships – your parenting, siblings, your boss, mother in law.

These are important and crucial pieces to unravel in any relationship. I encourage everyone to attend Relationship Education and do some exploring with a Relationship Specialist who understands these dynamics who will help you to uncover and change your reactive patterns.

When you learn the Skills and ♡TOOLS you can act in this intentional and consciously ♡LOVE-ing way toward your partner. It is the greatest opportunity you have to uncover and process and heal the unresolved pain and hurt (unmet needs) from childhood for yourself, as well as for your partner. It will lead you to creating life-long ♡LOVE and relationship success with the partner you already have and for the singles, to attract ‘the partner of your dreams’ and manifesting your soul-mate…

You do deserve to have a husband/wife/life-partner that values you and your needs and gives you heaps of what matters to you.  Don’t give up on finding and creating deep and meaningful relationships.

Happily Ever After does happen!

This is a great topic for a MIRRORING PRACTICEShare with someone what impacts you about this post. MIRROR each other for a minimum of 5 minutes.

Phew! That is a lot to take in! Thanks for ‘hanging in there’! I hope I am making sense to you. I look forward to your comments and what this brings up for you.

Your ♥LOVE-ing Matters…love heart
Your ♥LOVE-ing makes a difference
much more than you think…

Who is My Perfect Partner?

I have an EXERCISE that will throw some light on THE UNCONSCIOUS AGENDA you bring to your adult relationships. Please check it out HERE at the end of the article.

Happy exploring and uncovering and LOVE-ing, Susie.

About susiesheartpathblog

My aim with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart, mind and soul while sharing information and resources about conscious relationships, communication and ♡LOVE and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and lovable… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ★TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a keen net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of resources that are available. I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the resources are there or if they do where to find them. Putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities is a high priority for me….
This entry was posted in ♥LOVE NOTE, ♥MIRRORING Practice, ♥Positive & Inspirational Quotes, Question for you, Relationships, TOP Posts on Relationships & LOVE♥ and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to ♥Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness

  1. Holly Springer says:

    Wow wow wow That is the best Blog Susie It hit home all over the place I’m sure I’ve heard it before in one way or another but this morning it made More Sense than Ever! Fantabulous reading before I’m even out of bed What a Great Day Thank You 🙂 Holly

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fantastic Holly♥
      Really appreciate the feedback from you. It is so wonderful to have that feeling of “it made More Sense than Ever!”….and what a great way to start the day!!
      I think I am lucky in that I have to read my posts over and over when I am writing them……seems like a hundred times some times…..and do you know it has the wonderful reward of me learning this stuff really well – so my ★TIP to you, and everyone in fact, is to highlight the posts that really resonate with you and make a time each week for the next 90 days to go and re-read them – as well as implementing a minimum of 1 new ★action – a ★micro-MOVE-ment from each post. Willing to give it a go?
      Sending wishes for another great day and much ♥LOVE, Susie.


  2. Emma says:

    Brilliant! Totally love this blog post Susie, thank you for laying it all out so clearly and explaining it all so clearly. Em ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear ♥Em,
    So great to hear your accolades! Glad to hear that it all made clear sense to you. Your feedback is much appreciated. LOVE and gratitude, Susie♥


  4. Marilyn Lewis says:

    I can really see that we want to have our needs met in a relationship and everyone’s needs are different. The thing that worries me is that for most of my life I have not felt good enough which is probably from my parents always telling me I was useless.
    I have gone through life trying to prove my worth to the world by being everything to everyone, solving everyone’s problems, trying to please everyone. This is not a nice trait and I have then been taken for granted and treated like ‘I don’t matter’ which makes me sad, but I do now know that I have brought this on myself.
    I’ve been married 3 times, all my partners have loved me very much and I am the one who constantly moves on and lets them down as I am just about to again. I out-grow men. I do all the giving in a relationship and then get upset because I don’t get anything back (or not enough) and I let them go, but by then they have come to rely on me and feel that they can’t cope without me – what a bloody mess.
    So in your scenario above it makes me wonder about the ‘push my boundaries and give them what they need’, do more for them even stuff I don’t want to. I’m not sure this could have worked in my case because I was the one who was disgruntled and needed them to fill my needs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello Marilyn♥
      Welcome to my blog and thanks for your comment.
      Since reading what you have written I have added a sentence to the post:
      “And this process will be going on both ways. What do you need your partner to do that is important to you that they don’t do, or don’t do very well, and mostly will be continually ignoring and rejecting?”
      Also another piece of our emotional ‘character’ is:
      the very thing we most want and need our partners to stretch into doing or giving us, will be the hardest for us to receive – and for them when it is turned around…
      We don’t have the RECEPTORS for taking it in just because they learn to S-T-R-E-T-C-H into giving it to us – we will have to grow and develop the capacity TO RECEIVE – and that will take time as it will for ‘the other’ to learn how to do the actions that will meet our needs.

      You say ♡Marilyn that in relationship your strategy was “being everything to everyone, solving everyone’s problems, trying to please everyone”…… My hunch is that this is not what your husbands have needed from you.
      These are important and crucial pieces to unravel in any relationship and I encourage you to do some exploring with a relationship therapist who understands these dynamics and will help you to uncover your unique patterns before you move on from yet another husband who ‘loves you very much’.
      You do deserve to have a husband/partner in your life that values you and your needs and gives you heaps of what matters to you. You matter!
      Does this make it clearer for you?
      By the way I would appreciate knowing how you discovered this post as I have noticed a huge spike in people reading this post over the weekend and I’m not able to work out where they have come from 🙂


      • Marilyn Lewis says:

        Hi Susie,
        Thank you for your response which makes perfect sense to me.
        I guess I gave in the hope of getting the same in return but unfortunately in the end my gifts were expected. If they were not given this caused disappointment and resentment, and yes you are right I am not very good at accepting help from other.
        I now know that it was me who caused my own pain and disappointment, I was trying to get what I needed as a child – to be cared for and appreciated with love. I was neglected as a child and that is how I felt when I let my ex’s go (neglected and betrayed) but I have grown a lot from these experiences and will always show love, respect and care to myself as well as others.
        I welcome what happiness and pleasure others want to give to me but this is not expected and if they take it away I will be grateful for the love we shared together. We all have our roads and journeys and we cross the paths of others on the way 🙂
        The post came through my Facebook account and was posted by http://www.facebook.com/WildWomanSisterhood

        I should have seen a counselor or therapist during this time but now I am at peace with myself and the happiest I have ever been,

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re welcome ♥Marilyn and thank you for reaching out.

    You say “I now know that it was me who caused my own pain and disappointment’.
    I’d like to offer you another concept we teach – all conflict is a reactive cycle where both people contribute to the upset – And Yes both are 100% responsible for their part.

    I also want to underline that for us to meet our own needs it is NOT as healing and growthful as having them met by what we call an “Imago-match’. And remember the very thing we most need and want from them will be the hardest for them to do and give – and I am particularly referring to the needs as expressed in our frustrations with them.
    I share more about this in some other posts. Here are 2 I invite you to check out:
    The ★F Cycle – frustrations as ♥Gifts – https://susiesheartpathblog.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/the-%E2%98%85f-cycle-frustrations-as-%E2%99%A5gifts/

    S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G & S-Q-U-I-R-M-I-N-G & getting precious ♥needs met

    I look forward to hearing how you find these, if you want to share.
    Thanks for the link – It looks like an inspiring and stimulating Facebook page I will check out.
    Glad to hear you are at peace with yourself and the happiest you have ever been – you deserve it!
    LOVE Susie♥


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