♥LOVE NOTE – Monday August 26, 2013.
Hello dear Friends♡
I want a divorce!
Very serious and mostly scary words. Scary to say, scary to hear! Along with Death it is one of the horrible D-words.
The topic of divorce has been brought up by a very thought-provoking post by ♡Gerald Rogers that has gone “viral” on Facebook titled MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD.
“Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…”
Here’s the link to his post.
The strongest way this post has touched me is sadness as I believe the failure of his marriage and losing the wife that he loved was/is preventable if he had the education and the ♥TOOLS and the Skills and help to divorce-proof his marriage….. and he lived in a society/culture that taught and required that of each couple.
I will say it again – to divorce-proof his marriage. And Yes it is possible! And as far as I am concerned, highly desirable, highly recommended – in fact, CRUCIAL and compulsory especially if you have children!
It is so extremely sad for me to hear over. and over. and over again ….. of marriages ending -and families breaking up [he has 4 kids] – that could have been life-long ♥LOVE adventures and journeys, and how he and most people DON’T have ‘the advice’ he wishes he would have had and the knowledge, ♥TOOLS and Skills. And this is especially sad considering how educated he is about life matters!!
Just over 2 years ago ‘I jumped on my soap box’ and wrote a blog post about this –
and I am unhappy to note it is still as relevant as if I had written it today……..
I still don’t see much difference in our world. People aren’t choosing relationship education as a basic foundation for their life and being proud to share they are doing it. How many of your friends, family, acquaintances or work-mates have attended a marriage education program or done marriage/relationship counselling and share openly and proudly about it? How many of your friends, family, acquaintances or work-mates have marriages that have recently broken down?
Only a few months ago I remember being in a conference where there was a mix of educated people from a variety of professions and we were asked to mingle and give a very quick introduction of our work to a few others. I shared that I was a Relationship Therapist and Educator and our vision in our work is to teach that Happily Ever After does happen…and that we teach people how to be Extra-ordinary ♥LOVE Partners and before I could say much more…..
I was astonished and incredulous at how quickly people came back at me – and some even holding up their hand in the style of holding a cross in their hand as if to ward off evil or misfortune or demonic forces – and say
“I hope I never need your services”….
To me that is like saying to a dentist –
“I hope I never need your services”….
Or like you want to learn to read but you think you don’t need anyone to teach you!!
How is it that people don’t get that EVERYONE benefits enormously by using our services!! EVERYONE! Even you folks who are deliriously in ♥LOVE – you who have found their soul-mate and those who have been happily married for 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years or more!…..Mmmmmm I’m thinking it would be a great experiment to have the happily-marrieds do a Workshop with us and have them evaluate the help it is for them….
Check out this video of a couple who did our Workshop:
♡Gerald had an enormous response to his post and I am touched by his openness, vulnerability, authenticity and ♥LOVE and respect for himself and his ex-wife and his call to action for the husbands of the world to become EPIC LOVERS:
“MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.”
I admire the many excellent points he offers in his post. YET. YET. YET. Unfortunately just wishing that you had this advice – OR reading this post, OR even writing this post and knowing about all the points he makes is only THE VERY FIRST STEP.
I, unlike ♡Gerald, am a relationship expert and have facilitated/coached many couples to create some of the most amazing marriages you can imagine – especially given the pain and hurt and betrayal some of them were working through. I feel immense gratitude to my many teachers that have equipped me with some very fine methods and state-of-the-art ♥TOOLS that I use and teach in my work – ♥TOOLS that I promise do work if you use them!! It is that simple.
With a reminder of the stats I mention in my 2011 post –
The average couple waits SIX YEARS before seeking help for marital problems after that problem arises – which is often too late as repeated cycles of negativity damage the relationship and the soul and make repair attempts harder. Add to that, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years and only 1% of couples seek help at all.
So using the dentist metaphor again – it is like going to the dentist after having decay and pain happening for 6 years and expecting the dentist to be able to do the same job they could do 6 years ago. You have made it very hard for them to save the tooth!!
Yet probably the hugest problem is that many people go to marriage/relationship counselling but don’t go home and do the work. Or they read the list like ♡Gerald’s one, or read a self-help or marriage-help book, or even do a relationship skilling Workshop or tick LIKE on Facebook quotes about positivity and gratitude and ♥LOVE-ing every day AND yet liking, intending and doing are different processes. For things to work you have to take ACTION and the Actions you take create the Results you get.
So the biggest question is – why don’t people do the work? Why don’t people use the ♥TOOLS even when they have them? Why don’t people change?
Are you interested in answers to these questions?
The quick answer and essential point why just wishing that you had this advice is only THE VERY FIRST STEP is
you do what you do because it is what you know best to do!
Partnering and most of your relating is done on automatic pilot and out of your Automatic Defence System [ADS]. By this I mean the ways you automatically and habitually respond and interact.
Everyone has default ways of behaving/acting in the same way as you have a ‘native’ language that you think and speak in without having to think about it…..how you do things with your right hand if you are right-handed – automatically, without thinking!
So there is no accident that ♡Gerald or any of us ♥LOVE in the way we do as well as there is no accident his wife had ♡Gerald being the kind of husband he was being. In fact – it is predictable!
It is also the reason that even though people leave their first marriages at the alarming rate of 1 in 2 – THE FAILURE RATE FOR SECOND MARRIAGES IS HIGHER THAN THE FIRST!! – and a high proportion do go on to marry again. Even though you are getting away from your ex- who was the deliverer/perpetrator of the pain and hurt, etc –
YOU TAKE YOU WITH YOU!
Here’s an Exercise/Action for you:
1. Choose one of the actions from ♡Gerald’s list that you aren’t getting in your marriage/relationship that you would like to receive and share about it with your partner. Tell them you would like to have a go at an experiment where they do it a minimum of once a day for the next week. Take notice and keep track of what happens. Please post about your experiments. Remember it is in the spirit of being an experiment.
2. You can also turn it around and ask them to choose something you aren’t doing and do it with the same instructions.
3. If you aren’t in a committed primary relationship choose a person you want to improve your relationship with and do a variation of one of the actions on the list.
If you are stuck or not sure how or what to do, message me. And keep a watch out – I’ll continue in another post…..
♥LOVE and Blessings and with the hope you are intrigued, Susie.