tuning into my 18 year old Self♥

♥LOVE NOTE  – Monday January 6th, 2014

Greetings Dear Friends

A couple of days ago I watched a very short 3-4 minute video on Facebook that had “The Only Living Boy in New York” song by ♡Simon & Garfunkel playing in the background….. Well that did it!

By the way, the content of the video was nothing to do with ♡Simon and Garfunkel……yet what’s happened is I have been singing and humming the tune and a few of the lines in my head over and over….and over….. and over.……AND OVER….. seems like 6 million times…..or 60 million times……..I wake up singing…….clean my teeth singing…….walk around singing……go about my day singing………go to sleep singing……..stuck on the same lyrics in my head……over and over…..the repetition thoroughly unbelievable !

Da-n-da-da-n-da-n-da-da and here I ammmmmmm,
The only living boy in New York.

I get the news I need on the weather report.
I can gather all the news I need on the weather report.
Hey, I’ve got nothing to do today but smile.
Da-n-da-da-n-da-da-n-da-da here I am
The only living boy in New York

Half of the time we’re gone but we don’t know where,
And we don’t know where.

H e r e   I   a m ……….

The only living boy in New York……

I am f-i-n-a-l-l-y getting the message tonight that my unconscious is needing me to take notice of something………I mean how many times/days do I have to go with such a big message playing repeatedly in my head for me to take notice…….rather than doing what I have been doing which is continually trying to shut it up!

Do you know I have even been singing other songs to try and make me get ‘The only living boy in New York’ OUT of my head!
Nope. Hasn’t worked!

Just when I think all is quiet in my head the words jump back in and over and over and over I am repeating it A-G-A-I-N……The only living boy in Neeeeeeew Yoooooork.

Am I the only one who does this?……….

‘The Only Living Boy In New York’ is from ♡Simon and Garfunkel’s album “Bridge over Troubled Water” (1969) and man did these guys have some amazing songs and such an awesome amount of songs…. right throughout the sixties…..My Teenage Years!

Their biggest hits – including “The Sound of Silence” (1964), “I Am a Rock” (1965), “Homeward Bound” (1965), “Scarborough Fair” (1966), “A Hazy Shade of Winter” (1966), “Bridge over Troubled Water” (1969) are all great but didn’t touch my heart and deep down into my soul the way some of their not so well-known songs did…..

Songs like “Sparrow”, “Bleecker Street”, “He Was My Brother”, “The Dangling Conversation”, “Flowers Never Bend With the Rainfall”, “Overs”, “Old Friends” and so many more……Gosh there were just so, so many of them……..the poetry in the lyrics was beautiful and haunting….could be the greatest singing poetry ever……it was to me.

Their 1968 album “Bookends” was important to me…..full of the angst feeling of the 18 year old that I was……and obviously one I played over and over….and over…

It was the time that I was a vulnerable, sensitive, shy, impressionable 18 year old at my first year in university……a year of much angst and anguish about who I was and what I wanted to do with my life at university….. and in general questioning…… feeling totally out of place…..diving down into some disheartening. dispirited. deep. ‘despair ditches’ at times as the year went on……………

It felt like ♡Simon and Garfunkel understood. Like they were there with me. Down deep. It wasn’t so lonesome……I wasn’t alone.

I had registered for university tossing up between doing Social Work or a becoming a language teacher…….On enrollment day I was given the information –

“You need to do a first year Maths unit to do a Social Work degree”, the university official informed me officiously.

That did it! There was NO WAY I was studying Maths. I hated the subject.  Didn’t understand it. Didn’t want to understand it. That part of my brain didn’t develop. Much. I had passed with 51% or 52% in my exams, just enough to get my university entrance. So studying Maths at university WAS NOT an option!

So that made my choice. Studying languages to become a language teacher was easy as after all, I did excel in them……

Yet high school French and German hadn’t prepared me for studying L’Etranger [The Outsider] by Camus in French and Die Verwandlung [The Metamorphosis] by Franz Kafka in German….. and if they weren’t enough I somehow had chosen first year philosophy too with more existentialism with Jean-Paul Sartre-I-think-therefore-I am!!!!

Camus and existentialism and Kafka and a man waking up as a cockroach was enough to drive anyone crazy let alone an impressionable, questioning, confused 18 year old…..For those who haven’t had the pleasure of reading this tale, The Metamorphosis is about a traveling salesman who wakes to find himself transformed (metamorphosed) into a large, monstrous insect-like creature that I remember as being the hugest cockroach imaginable….and well who knows what L’Etranger was about……I don’t.

I keep using the word “impressionable” to describe that young woman that I was…..it doesn’t quite fit but it keeps popping into my head so I’m keeping it…..she was pained by the woes and wrongs and inequalities of the world and questioning what it was all about……and without anyone much she could talk to about it ALL….

As I said, it felt like ♡Simon and Garfunkel understood. Like they were there with me.  Down deep. It wasn’t so lonesome……I wasn’t alone.

So take myself off to YouTube I have and there they all are….all my old favourites and I am always soooooooooooo amazed at how straight away I sing along and REMEMBER ALL THE WORDS… and I haven’t heard them for at least 25 years, probably more, and it is nearing 50 years that I was that lost, lonesome, searching, angsting teenager….

I did finally reach out and found help to sort it all out in the university vocational and counselling offices where I discovered two very important things:
1) I had been wrongly informed and I didn’t need Maths to do Social Work!!!!…..and,
2) I discovered the young socialist me couldn’t justify spending her life teaching languages to kids who already “had it all’. At that stage in our education system only the kids with the top marks were able to study languages and they were usually going to come from ‘well-off’ families. For instance, the public high school that I went to that was in a lower income housing area, only had 4 girls go onto university from the final year I was in!

So in my heart of hearts I wanted to help those who had a lot more to deal with than studying foreign languages. Yes it was me wanting to “save the world”……..and my life blossomed once I had connected to what felt like “my purpose”….I was on track. Maybe that is the very first place I knew that my life was about guiding people to feel a sense of their own worth and OK-ness and ♡LOVE-ability and ♡LOVE-able-ness……

Rumi-strong-pull-of-what-you-love

So have I discovered why my unconscious was repeating the song over and over? Not fully! Have I worked out why I needed to write this story tonight? No! What my unconscious wanted me to take notice of? Sort of………I’m still getting it…..it is still unraveling……

I have enjoyed going back and connecting to the music and the words and the poetry and indulging in this ♡Simon and Garfunkel fest and that 18 year old ♡Self and her world……those beginnings…… Yes telling this story has been soul-nurturing for me….and a surprise gift to connect with that young girl…. I am grateful….

Da-n-da-da-n-da-n-da-da and here I am,
The only living boy in New York.

Hey, I’ve got nothing to do today but smile.
Da-n-da-da-n-da-da-n-da-da here I am
The only living boy in New York

Half of the time we’re gone but we don’t know where,
And we don’t know where.

H e r e   I    a m……….

And to give yourself a little savouring of their excellence check out this amazing song –
Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall

“Through the corridors of sleep
Past the shadows dark and deep
My mind dances and leaps in confusion.
I don’t know what is real,
I can’t touch what I feel
And I hide behind the shield of my illusion.

So I’ll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall.

The mirror on my wall
Casts an image dark and small
But I’m not sure at all it’s my reflection.
I am blinded by the light
Of God and truth and right
And I wander in the night without direction.

So I’ll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall.

It’s no matter if you’re born
To play the King or pawn
For the line is thinly drawn ‘tween joy and sorrow,
So my fantasy
Becomes reality,
And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow.

So I’ll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall….”

LOVE allways and all ways, Susie

PS: And now as I’m reflecting a day later I’m thinking what do I want to say to my 18 year old ♡Self….?
I’d tell her she isn’t alone. I am here. I’d tell her I admire her questioning, her exploring, her not being satisfied with what didn’t feel authentically her. I value her caring about making a difference. I value her resilience and strength…..And so much more……..I will write her a ♡LOVE letter……

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About susiesheartpathblog

My wish with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart and soul and mind to your heart and soul and mind …..whilst sharing information and Resources about ♡LOVE-ing and Relationships and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS★…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and ♡LOVE-able… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ♡TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a passionate net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of Resources that are available – I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the Resources are there or if they do, where to find them. I love putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities….
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2 Responses to tuning into my 18 year old Self♥

  1. Thank you for taking me for a ride into your 18 year old self. I like what you would say to your self at that age. I am a citizen of Boysenberry Jam too. And I do believe it is all happening in the Zoo! I love you sweet pie. Shelton

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Susie and Shelton,

    Just a quick note to thank you so much for your wonderful entertaining and useful blogs.
    I have a couple who would like to attend one of your retreats – say in Kerala or Bali or anywhere really. I have also told them about your movie nights which they are keen to do.
    Can you please update me on any that you have coming up soon.

    Hope you both have a wonderful, fulfilling New year and I look forward to seeing you both again this year some time.

    Cheers, Chris

    Liked by 1 person

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