♥LOVE NOTE – Saturday January 11, 2014
Hello dear Friends♡
It’s kind of odd what you remember about someone special who’s died. And also what you don’t.
Like it’s the Anniversary tomorrow and I forgot.
My daughter ♡Freea messages me that she will drop in for a visit on Sunday after she’s been on an early morning visit to North Ledge up near Mundaring Weir. This is one of her most special places in Nature up here in the Hills. Her private place where she goes to connect with him, and she’s telling me she’s going.
And even that didn’t tweak my memory. It wasn’t till she actually told me why.
“What are you going up to North Ledge for in this heat?” I ask her, as the weather forecast is for a very, very hot Sunday.
“It’s Dad’s anniversary on Sunday“, she says.
Oh, it must be January 12, I think.
At 4pm on January 12, 2000 her Dad, my beloved partner and close companion of 25 years and the rest, died.
“How could I forget?’ I think?
How could I forget all those years, all those months, all those days, all those moments?
All those times that he and I were.
How could I forget all those ended on January 12, 2000?
How could I forget this is a most significant day?
They are predicting a heat wave here this weekend…
Was it that hot when he died I think? When I last held him in my arms.
That day when I lay all day holding him in my arms as he lay unconscious…heavily labouring with every breath….with every breath fearing it could be his last…and clinging to it wouldn’t.
That day I woke up early and came in to greet him…I looked at him and kissed him as he lay still asleep…stunned at the beauty of my man being cradled in the arms of our dear friend ♡Nea. A friend who is also a nurse, who lay beside him holding him. And then looked at the faces of those who with her, had cared for him through the night….those who had taken ‘this shift’ for the many, many nights before to let me get some precious sleep.
And then seeing the hospice nurse there too…..and knew the truth of what their faces, and then their words, were telling me…
telling me, that he was soon to die.
He didn’t wake up that morning. He didn’t wake up that day. That was the first day he didn’t wake up. That was the only day he didn’t wake up. If nothing else that was enough to know that this would be his l a s t. day.
And yes, he didn’t wake up. e v e r again.
I knew in my bones what I needed to do that. day.
I needed to lie with him and hold him, to be with him…and be nowhere. else. To stay with him till he died, even if that day took forever.
Something in my bones or my heart or my soul or my cells or everywhere inside me knew that this was my job…something quite ancient was telling me.
We cleared and rearranged the big Glass Room which was like a lounge room-dining room. It was the room that was the ♡heart and soul of our Home, where most things that were important happened. It was the room that had the most space so that the many who ♡LOVED him could be close…close to him….lying and dying on a large mattress in the middle of the floor.
I quickly took care of a few necessary things and took up my position and lay beside him and held him. All. day.
Thinking about it now, it was like when I started the serious labouring to birth our daughter ♡Freea, mentioned above. Something in my body just knew….Knew what I had to do.
Something in my body knew what I had to do…what I had to do to deliver him to death.
Other January 12ths I’ve remembered, celebrated him, missed him, felt the sorrow of our loss, carried out special rituals, held memorials…
14 years is a lot of years that he has been missing from…
Missing from birthdays and holidays and Christmases and every. single. day.
Missing from being in and carrying out the gazillion-and-one projects he always had “on the go”…
Missing from being our daughters’ ‘Star Pa’…..missing from the heart-swelling-pride and delight of them finishing their degrees and their career success.
Missing from his own professional success and completing his coveted Ph.D.
Missing from his daughters’ weddings…..hardly containing his heart bursting with ♡LOVE walking them down the aisle……watching beaming with pride as they said their vows…celebrating them and their new husbands and new lives…
And missing from the deaths of my mother, my brothers, his mother…
…and missing from me.
The Woman He Makes Me
Having his soul
Look into mine.
The joining of the physical.
The Gateway to the divine.
The union with all that is.
How to let go of my need
to walk in that sacred place
with my Beloved?
How to enter
into the place of mourning
for my Man
and the Woman he makes me?
Death Of My Beloved♡
so yearning for your touch
so longing to be held
to be comforted
to be warmed
to feel the way only you
can make me feel.
Searching in my mind
trying to find where you are
thinking maybe you’re still
just in the other room.
Maybe you didn’t die.
Maybe it’s all just a big joke.
Yet you were so cold,
so still, so unmoving.
Yet still, oh so beautiful
so stunningly, so splendidly
so exquisitely, so serenely beautiful
laying just like a statue
perfectly carved, perfectly created.
I thought I could let you go
But my heart aches
my body rocks
and my sobs deep and wrenching
dip into a pool of such deep, deep sorrow
that I think I might drown
that I might just disappear under each wave.
So much to let go of.
A life together full of so many adventures,
so many rich experiences.
How do I get my head around
your not coming back.
I won’t ever again look into your eyes
have your eyes touch my body
your fingers caress my skin
your arms hold me safe
have your touch say more than words ever could.
You won’t ever come
bounding down the path to meet me,
to welcome me home.
You are Home to me.
I get flashes of your hand holding mine
feeling safe and taken care of
feel the strength and softness and warmth of your body
as you hug me
the tenderness and love in your eyes
as you look at me.
I feel the peace and gentleness of your energy
the warmth and protection of your arms as you encircle me
your laughter and humour and the sparkle in your eyes.
I feel safe with you, taken care of, protected, looked after.
You make me feel precious, cherished, special.
You accept me for who I am
encourage me to be Me
and remind me who I am when I forget.
exhausted on the bed.
Why can’t I just go to sleep
and make it all go away.
Stop the hurting.
all the pain
all the sorrow
at the loss
of losing you
I can’t stop crying
can’t make it go away
can’t stop the hurting
can’t turn out the light
and just be in the dark
In memory of ♡Russ Davey, written the night after his death. It’s 3.30am and I’m exhausted physically and emotionally.
Spirit of the wind, carry me
Spirit of the wind, carry me home
Spirit of the wind, carry me home to myself
Spirit of the sun, warm light healing me
Spirit of the sun, help me be reborn
Spirit of the wind, carry me
Spirit of the wind, carry me home to myself…….♥*¨*•♫♪
I honour and am gratefull for our sweet soul journey and all that we’ve shared….♡
Filled with much tenderness and deep respect and allways ♡LOVE, Susie.
Addendum: I wrote this post quite late into the night and early hours of Sunday 12th. It was to be the last post I wrote in our Home which burned down on the Sunday afternoon. I have always felt that was very significant…
Grief….and the meaning of life…♡ October 24, 2011
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale”..⋰⋱★♥ November 27, 2011
reach out to your ♥Beloveds NOW….this moment will never return January 12, 2012
Being dead. What Is Your Legacy? What is the meaning to ♥life? June 23rd, 2012
reach out and touch somebody’s hand…♥ July 12th, 2012
we remember moments….♥the wedding November 14th, 2012