what you remember about someone who’s died…♡

LOVE NOTE – Saturday January 11, 2014

Hello dear Friends

It’s kinda funny what you remember about someone special who’s died…..and also what you don’t….. Like it’s his anniversary tomorrow and I forgot.

My daughter messages me she will drop in for a visit on Sunday after she’s been on an early morning visit to North Ledge……one of her most special places in Nature up here in the Hills….her private place where she goes to connect with him, and she’s telling me she’s going…… and even that didn’t tweak my memory……it wasn’t till she actually told me why.

What are you going up to North Ledge for in this heat?” I ask her, as the weather forecast is for a very, very hot Sunday.
It’s Dad’s anniversary on Sunday“, she says.
Oh it must be January 12….thinks I.

At 4pm on January 12, 2000 her Dad, my beloved partner and close companion of 25 [and the rest] years died. “How could I forget?’ I think? How could I forget all those years, all those months, all those days, all those moments…..all those times that he and I were.

How could I forget all those ended on January 12, 2000? How could I forget this is a most significant day?

They are predicting a heat wave here this weekend – was it this hot when he died I think? When I last held him in my arms. That day when I lay all day holding him in my arms as he lay unconscious…….heavily labouring with every breath….with every breath fearing it could be his last…and clinging to it wouldn’t…

That day I woke up early and came in to greet him…..I looked at him and kissed him as he lay still asleep…….stunned at the beauty of my man being cradled in the arms of our dear friend ♡Nea, a friend who is also a nurse, who lay beside him holding him……and then looked at the faces of those who with her had cared for him through the night……..those who had taken ‘this shift’ for the many, many nights before to let me get some precious sleep……and then seeing the hospice nurse there too…..and knew the truth of what their faces, and then their words, were telling me……that he was soon to die.

He didn’t wake up that morning. He didn’t wake up that day. That was the first day he didn’t wake up. That was the only day he didn’t wake up. If nothing else that was enough to know that this would be his last. day. And yes he didn’t wake up ever. again.

I knew in my bones what I needed to do that. day. I needed to lie with him and hold him, to be with him and be nowhere. else. To stay with him till he died, even if that day took forever. Something in my bones or my heart or my soul or my cells or everywhere inside me knew that this was my job……something quite ancient was telling me….

We cleared and rearranged the room so that the many who ♡LOVED him could be close……close to him….lying and dying on a large mattress in the middle of the floor… I quickly took care of a few necessary things and took up my position and lay beside him and held him. all. day. Thinking about it now it was like when I started the serious labouring to birth our daughter mentioned above……..something in my body just knew….what I had to do. Something in my body knew what I had to do….to deliver him to death…..

Other January 12ths I’ve remembered, celebrated him, missed him, felt the sorrow of our loss, carried out special rituals, held memorials…….14 years is a lot of years that he has been missing from….

Missing from Christmases and birthdays and holidays and every. day. …………Missing from being in and carrying out the gazillion and one projects he always had “on the go”. Missing from being our daughters’ ‘Star Pa’…..from the heart-swelling-pride and delight of them finishing their degrees and their career success……..missing from his own professional success and completing his coveted Ph.D, missing from his daughters’ weddings…..hardly containing his heart bursting with ♡LOVE walking them down the aisle……watching beaming with pride as they said their vows…..celebrating them and their new husbands and new lives……and missing from the deaths of my mother, my brothers, his mother………

and missing from me.

The Woman He Makes Me
Never again
Having his soul
Look into mine.
The joining of the physical.
The Gateway to the divine.
The union with all that is.
How to let go of my need
to walk in that sacred place
with my Beloved?
How to enter
into the place of mourning
of grieving
for my Man
and the Woman he makes me?

Su&Russ-hands1999 1cr

Death Of My Beloved♡

My arms
my heart
my soul
so empty
so yearning for your touch
so longing to be held
to be comforted
to be warmed
to feel the way only you
can make me feel.
Searching in my mind
trying to find where you are
thinking maybe you’re still
just in the other room.
Maybe you didn’t die.
Maybe it’s all just a big joke.

Yet you were so cold,
so still, so unmoving.
Yet still, oh so beautiful
so stunningly, so splendidly
so exquisitely, so serenely beautiful
laying just like a statue
perfectly carved, perfectly created.

I thought I could let you go
But my heart aches
my body rocks
and my sobs deep and wrenching
dip into a pool of such deep, deep sorrow
that I think I might drown
that I might just disappear under each wave.

So much to let go of.
A life together full of so many adventures,
so many rich experiences.
How do I get my head around
your not coming back.

I won’t ever again look into your eyes
have your eyes touch my body
your fingers caress my skin
your arms hold me safe
have your touch say more than words ever could.
You won’t ever come
bounding down the path to meet me,
to welcome me home.

You are Home to me.
I get flashes of your hand holding mine
feeling safe and taken care of
feel the strength and softness and warmth of your body
as you hug me
the tenderness and love in your eyes
as you look at me.
I feel the peace and gentleness of your energy
the warmth and protection of your arms as you encircle me
your laughter and humour and the sparkle in your eyes.
I feel safe with you, taken care of, protected, looked after.
You make me feel precious, cherished, special.
You accept me for who I am
encourage me to be Me
and remind me who I am when I forget.

I collapse
exhausted on the bed.
Why can’t I just go to sleep
and make it all go away.
Stop the hurting.
Stop feeling
all the pain
all the sorrow
at the loss
of losing you

I can’t stop crying
can’t make it go away
can’t stop the hurting
can’t turn out the light
and just be in the dark

In memory of Russ Davey, written the night after his death. It’s 3.30am and I’m exhausted physically and emotionally.

Russ collage

Spirit of the wind, carry me
Spirit of the wind, carry me home
Spirit of the wind, carry me home to myself

Spirit of the sun, warm light healing me
Spirit of the sun, help me be reborn
Spirit of the wind, carry me
Spirit of the wind, carry me home to myself…….♥*¨*•♫♪

I honour and am gratefull for our sweet soul journey and all that we’ve shared……..♡

Filled with much tenderness and deep respect and LOVE, Susie.

RELATED POSTS:

Grief….and the meaning of life…♡ October 24, 2011

“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale”..⋰⋱★♥ November 27, 2011

reach out to your ♥Beloveds NOW….this moment will never return January 12, 2012

Being dead. What Is Your Legacy? What is the meaning to ♥life? June 23rd, 2012

reach out and touch somebody’s hand…♥ July 12th, 2012

we remember moments….♥the wedding November 14th, 2012

 

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About susiesheartpathblog

My wish with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart and soul and mind to your heart and soul and mind …..whilst sharing information and Resources about ♡LOVE-ing and Relationships and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS★…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and ♡LOVE-able… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ♡TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a passionate net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of Resources that are available – I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the Resources are there or if they do, where to find them. I love putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities….
This entry was posted in ♥LOVE NOTE, GRIEF & SORROW♥, Relationships, Warm Fuzzy Hill and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to what you remember about someone who’s died…♡

  1. Nicole Bury says:

    Beautiful, moving post Susie – thank you for sharing xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Judith Bull says:

    This has touched a raw nerve I am staying with a friend at Greenhead her husband is away for the w/e. We had just finished dinner when her neice rang to tell her that her brother had been found dead in his house by his friend that morning he had been dead for a couple of days. Make sure you live each day as if it was your last.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. John Morley says:

    Hi Susie,
    A wonderful tribute to Russ and the energy that is still Russ.
    Thank you for sharing this special day.
    Those who have passed are never far away.
    John

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you sensational Johnini♡
      It is always a pleasure to share with you – thank you for always showing up and being there in so many ways – you have an uncanny knack of knowing when you are needed.
      Your ♡LOVE and caring is special.
      Thanks for the reminder that “those who have passed are never far away…”.
      I guess we could also say those who ♡LOVE you are never far away…..as are you.
      Much LOVE and gratitude to you dear friend♡

      Like

  4. Natasha Ryan says:

    Oh Susie, That is just the most beautiful writing of the memoir of a love story I have read. Thankyou for putting this up on the internet. I am very touched by your sharing this so openly. I am also hoping and willing that your home remains safe up there near the fires. Love from Natasha

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Natasha♡
      It is a pleasure for me that my writing has touched you. Thank you for visiting…..
      What a special affirmation for me that you say –
      “That is just the most beautiful writing of the memoir of a love story I have read.”
      How wonderful!! LOVE Susie♡

      Like

  5. Nicola B, (YumYum) says:

    Thank you Susie for your straight from the heart poem and story of the love you wove and shared with your beloved Russ. You said you “didn’t remember” but your body remembered January 12th … It always remembers, the way your daughter said she was going for a walk at the special place she shared with her Dad, your body nudged you…
    Let the spirit of the sun warm you now as you await news of your beloved Warm Fuzzy Hill, knowing Russ is watching over you, wanting the best always for you now…
    The part of the story I really enjoyed and was touched that you cleared and tidied the room and lay with him for the day, you saw him out, he was held by you, your breath in harmony, his beloved and surrounded by family and friends on the outer circle.. What a sendoff…. His heart and soul will always remember his transition and you Susie… perhaps has a way to contact you, when you lay out your special stones with hearts on the path?… He sounds like a true nature man… looking at the photo, a soft man, devoted…..
    I wanted to read this when it was still, no one outside, no disturbances, just me, your story of Susie & Russ, together for 25 plus years, leaving this side of earth 14 years ago on January 12th, 2000. RIP and let the light shine brightly on you today Susie.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dearest Nicola♡
      Your words are always a balm for my ♡heart….so affirming and acknowledging and really ‘getting me’……..I deeply appreciate your support and being there for me through so much…..♡
      Your respect is such a gift shown here by the act of setting yourself up to read in such a ritual way…
      Thank you for everything, LOVE Susie♡

      Like

  6. Freea says:

    Am so grateful for this post for the magical photos and stories that will be preserved. x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. it’s an honor to read your beautiful vulnerable words, Susie;
    I hear in every slice the charge to appreciate,
    show up,
    be here now.
    I needed this today….thank you dear braveheart.
    You are loved and supported and heard,
    Jennifer

    Liked by 1 person

    • I always treasure your visits and your words dear One♡
      You ♡heart always shows up….and your words always whisk me away into a soul world where my ♡heart feels so held and caressed……
      I feel your ♡LOVE and support and know you are hearing me at a real deep level
      Much gratitude and LOVE, Susie♡

      Like

  8. Susie I am so overwhelmed with feeling from reading everything on this page. I so love seeing pics of Russ & all of you back then. I have NO idea what it is to lose a beloved (though got close in a completely different way as you know). I thought my heart may burst so have an inkling of that complete loss. Words don’t cover it they really don’t. Much love to you & thank you for sharing your pain & emotion with us it means so much & heals us as it heals you. Love lots xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • What a big ♡hearted sweetheart you are Lisa♡
      So sensitive and open to your heart…I am glad sharing my pain and emotion is healing for you…..
      It is heart warming to me knowing how much ♡LOVE there is between you and your ♡Mezzie to think my story is helping to open your precious heart and deepen your LOVE♡ even more. Hugs with LOVE, Susie♡

      Like

  9. Pingback: diving deeply into grieving….the sacred process of ritually saying Goodbye♥ | susies♥heartpathblog

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