bushfire aftershock – broken-♥hearted, dispirited and displaced

LOVE NOTE – Monday February 10, 2014

Hello Friends

Today is Monday February 10, 2014. Now 4 weeks P.F. [Post Fire].

4 weeks since my life was destroyed. and it isn’t getting easier with time….

I am feeling utterly exhausted. I am so tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. times 1 b-i-l-l-i-o-n.

Actually not just tired, not just overwhelm……

I am feeling broken…….

broken-♡hearted,
broken at the soul-level,
broken at my very essence…….
broken and in pain…
the sorrow and melancholy is deep and aching and tender and sore……

The black cockatoos fly in to visit and they circle and circle…….
and circle around yet again screeching loudly and plaintively……
echoing the screeches inside my head,
inside my heart,
inside my soul,
circling and circling …..
coming every afternoon looking for,……
lamenting for their favourite trees, I am imagining………..
especially the beautiful. biggest. old. ancient. ones on the top of our driveway that were burnt and are marked to be killed ……..their trees…….

WFH-tree-driveway

Today a flock of at least 50 of them rose and circled around and then flew off giving me the gift of a magnificent curtain of wings……….
filling my ears with a 1000 mournful cries…
so heart breaking to hear such a cry……
to hear my cry inside. outside.

People are so keen for us to get on with our life ……so keen for us to stay positive……
“How you going?”…. they ask…most caringly….
They don’t really want to hear me answer it is shit. shit. shit. and I hate it……..and my heart is in pieces…..as is my life….

I am sooooooooo bloody tired of hearing about new beginnings……
about new shoots struggling and finding a way up and out of the dirt…..
about there always being a way OUT or THROUGH or AROUND or UNDER or OVER or BEYOND or………….
about the Phoenix rising from the ashes……..

I am in the blackened. dirtiest. DIRT…….
feeling buried and broken and dispirited…….
covered by the ashes and the broken rubble and shattered debris…….
and the twisted mangled iron and the tortured battered tin…….
and the blackened burnt and charred wood……and melted molten glass….

WFH-house-wreck

WFH-house-ruins

WFH-ruins

WFH-tin-jewels

There is so much to mourn and grieve………so much to say Goodbye to……..so much that has gone……..is destroyed……is devastated………is wrecked……..is ruined……is ended

The ending of the old………needs sitting with…….
not running forward full-speed ahead thinking about re-building or not-building…..
about house plans and site works and goodness knows what…..
about new standards for high-risk bushfire prone areas……
about thickened glass windows, steel framework, contaminant free buildings…….

I have been grieving and sharing about the loss of my stacks and stacks and stacks of collected treasures and all my precious. precious. things……

But do you know what??……even with all the enormous gut-wrenching-pain at the loss of so much……all that is overshadowed by the lack of NORMALITY……..

…..lack of being able to walk into and sit down in MY H.O.M.E…..in MY rooms and MY space…..at MY desk……on MY chair…….open MY filing cabinet……..look out MY windows……lie on MY bed…….or use MY stuff or MY tools or MY equipment or MY utensils……..and listen to MY music………or go to MY fridge or MY cupboards and find the organic food that I like………and choose MY linen or wear MY clothes bought on umpteen trips here there and everywhere………

To not be able to walk out into MY garden and be nourished by the peace and beauty……to not be able to visit with MY favourite plants and bushes and creepers and trees….to not be able to smell the jasmine, the honeysuckle, the gardenia, the lavender, the rosemary…….the roses…… all dead or dying…..it is like a lot of MY best friends have died…..you may think I am ridiculous in connecting to MY home and MY garden in this intimate way……..so be it……..that is who I am….and how I feel…..

It is heart breaking to have lost my sense of direction…..and not knowing where to find it……and not having the strength to feel that starting again is an option …….and hard for me to understand………hard for me to explain…..

And yet I do feel positive many times……do feel the earth putting forth new shoots and new energy and feel excited……….yet there are times when it all feels just toooooo hard……when I don’t feel strong enough, courageous enough, young enough, fit and healthy enough, have what it takes enough……….to climb that hill that just feels too high…….

I guess all I can do then is just be real……….

painfully, sadly and sorrowfully, Susie♡ 

WFH-hillpath

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About susiesheartpathblog

My wish with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart and soul and mind to your heart and soul and mind …..whilst sharing information and Resources about ♡LOVE-ing and Relationships and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS★…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and ♡LOVE-able… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ♡TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a passionate net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of Resources that are available – I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the Resources are there or if they do, where to find them. I love putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities….
This entry was posted in ♥LOVE NOTE, BUSHFIRE Destruction & Aftermath, GRIEF & SORROW♥, Warm Fuzzy Hill and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to bushfire aftershock – broken-♥hearted, dispirited and displaced

  1. Yaz says:

    I heard you Susie. Much love. Yaz

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wendy Appleton says:

    I read it poor Susie…. It just SUCKS!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Holding healing space for you Susie. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Deb Thomson says:

    Susie – we all understand! Get a grip girl and cut the constant self-flagellation. Our home was nearly like yours on Black Saturday – we were lucky – ok we all get it, you weren’t.

    But enough please! I was the idiot who sent the thoughts about the Phoenix and donated to your site. I am having second thoughts on both accounts now. Stop moping – thank the world you have the chance for a new start and that you have your lives. Unlike some of our friends on that Blackest of Saturdays 5 years ago.
    Deborah

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Natasha Ryan says:

    Dear Susie All I can say after reading this is simply….thankyou for sharing your honesty with us. You are a lesson to us dear girl. Deep down this is undoubtedly who all of us are…just what you are feeling is what all of us would feel and cry tears for. Women and home are synominous…grieve and crying I feel with you…sharing a miniscule portion of your pain. Please accept my love and may it perhaps help a fraction as each te ars has fallen while I read this that you have shared. I am sure you are brave…this too shall pass…the wisdom we all know…but in the meantime tears can be kind. Love still…Natasha….who still sees you as the beautiful tall girl…known briefly so long ago…early 70s I think it was….Love….be still and let the tears flow

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Glenys says:

    I hear the rawness of your grief Susie and I totally understand as like you I have many many treasures and wardrobes full of clothes all lovingly sourced from so many places and each with a special memory of what it represents or who gave it to me etc. These things are all unique and irreplaceable and no amount of money or insurance could ever compensate. So I put myself in your shoes and imagine the grief and loss and sense of not belonging that I would feel if I lost all my treasures. I am glad that you are sharing your pain and feeling it. While some may not want to hear it, I welcome it as I see it as cathartic for you and I connect with you in hearing it. I understand your need for a place to call “MINE”. That sense of “not belonging” would feed the sense of instability that you feel right now. I feel helpless in that all I can give you right now is my understanding and my words and my love. I hope it helps just a little bit. love Glenys xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Susie, it’s ok you just stand still and throw your arms in the air; stomp your feet and cuss the ashes that surround you. I think I would do all those things to. And I totally understand the feeling of being displaced and just wanting to be in YOUR space. I don’t think it’s ridiculous to love your house and garden so deeply. I would be angry as hell too! Sometimes just standing still and feeling the pain is all you can do. It’s ok to crazy. It’s ok to be real. You don’t have to paste a smile on everyday. You don’t have to try to see any positives right now. I know you will get there in time. There is a time for everything.
    Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV BIBLE)
    There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

    Your time for dancing, laughing and rebuilding will come. Of this I’m sure. Until then I stand and cry with you. Move over and let me in that pity pool with you. 🙂
    Always sending you LOVE.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Rachel Moon says:

    The good old process eh…with it’s ever changeable twists and turns. Hold on tight when its shit and love it up when you get those moments of relief♥♡♥

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Susie I am so with you in your grief. I feel it & it rings so strong. I know exactly what you’re going thru you write so deeply your pain is my pain in empathy. Devastation almost too much to bear. I have no words really as they are meaningless for where you are. I wish I could help in some way to remove that heart wrenching pain. Sending you love from afar. Lise & Mezzie xxxxxoooo I love that you share with us all of it

    Liked by 1 person

  10. CINDY LYALL BAILEY says:

    Dear Susie
    As I must have missed some of your blogs what is /has happened. Sorry if this brings sad things to your mind But I would really like to know as the writing below is so powerful
    Thanks Cindy

    Liked by 1 person

  11. oh Susie.
    I hear you and my heart sits with you in the sadness and loss.
    holding your hand. feeling the ache and just being with you in it.
    I’m sorry for the minute by minute loss you’re experiencing.
    wrecks are not quickly untangled.
    love and prayers for comfort and peace in the tangle,
    Jennifer

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Helena Bury says:

    Susie….hang in there. Yes the pain and loss is indescribable but you WILL be ok. You are strong and loved and and treasured by so many who are holding you both in their hearts. We are all so grateful that you are here and that your lives were not lost…it WILL get better. Have courage and believe it…… Love and blessings to you both…. Helena.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My dear lovely caring Susie I felt some of the pain you are feeling whilst reading. I pray the healing proccess is faster and kinder to you. All my heart felt love goes to you. Andrea x

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for sharing your story. It highlights the struggle one goes through when losing one’s beloved home to a fire and how all the sugar and cheer to help raise one’s spirits during a tragedy isn’t helpful. This is an important lesson for me and others to learn. I see that the best help one can give is to be a good listener and acknowledger. I admire your honesty and how eloquently you share your story in this painful time. {soul hugs} k

    Liked by 1 person

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