bushfire aftershock – broken-♥hearted, dispirited and displaced

♥LOVE NOTE – Monday February 10, 2014

Hello Friends♡

Today is Monday February 10, 2014. Now 4 weeks P.F. [Post Fire].

4 weeks since my life was d e s t r o y e d. and it isn’t getting easier with time.

I am feeling utterly exhausted.
I am so tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. times a b-i-l-l-i-o-n.

Actually it’s not just tired, not just overwhelm

I am feeling broken

broken-♡hearted,
broken at the soul-level,
broken at my very essence,
broken and in pain,
the sorrow and melancholy is deep and aching and tender and sore.

The black cockatoos fly in to visit
and they circle and circle
and circle around yet again
screeching loudly and plaintively
echoing the screeches inside my head,
inside my heart,
inside my soul,
circling and circling
coming in every afternoon
looking for,
lamenting for,
their favourite trees, I am imagining…
especially the beautiful. biggest. old. ancient. ones on the top of our driveway
that were burnt
that are marked to be killed and sawn down
…their trees…

Today a flock of at least 50 of them rose and circled around and then flew off
giving me the gift of a magnificent curtain of wings…
filling my ears with a 1000 mournful cries…

So heart breaking to hear such a cry,

to hear my cry inside. outside.

People are so keen for us to get on with our life
so keen for us to stay positive
“How you going?”, they ask most caringly
They don’t really want to hear my answer

It is shit. shit. shit. and I hate it

and my heart is in pieces…as is my life

I am sooooooooo bloody tired of hearing about new beginnings…
about new shoots struggling and finding a way up and out of the dirt…
about there always being a way OUT
or THROUGH or AROUND or UNDER or OVER or BEYOND or
about The Phoenix rising from the ashes.

I am in the blackened. dirtiest. DIRT

feeling buried and broken and dispirited…
covered by the ashes and the broken rubble and shattered debris…
and the twisted mangled iron and the tortured battered tin…….
and the blackened burnt and charred wood……and melted molten glass.

There is so much to mourn and grieve…..so much to say Goodbye to.

so much that has gone…is destroyed…is devastated…..is wrecked….is ruined……is ended

The ending of the old…needs sitting with.

not running forward full-speed ahead thinking
about re-building or not-building
about house plans and site works and goodness knows what…
about new standards for high-risk bushfire prone areas…
about thickened glass windows, steel framework, contaminant free buildings.

I have been grieving and sharing about the loss of my stacks and stacks and stacks of collected treasures and all my precious. precious. things.

But do you know what?
Even with all the enormous gut-wrenching-pain at the loss of so much…

All that is overshadowed by the lack of NORMALITY.

Lack of being able to walk into and sit down in MY H O M E…..
in MY rooms and MY space…..at MY desk……on MY chair…….open MY filing cabinet….
or lie on MY bed……using MY bed linen…and listen to MY music….and look out MY windows…..or wear MY clothes bought on umpteen trips here, there and everywhere…
or use MY stuff or MY tools or MY equipment or MY utensils…..
or go to MY fridge or MY cupboards and find the organic food and drinks that I like.

To not be able to walk out into MY garden and be nourished by the peace and beauty.
To not be able to visit with MY favourite plants and bushes and creepers and trees.
To not be able to smell the jasmine, the honeysuckle, the gardenia, the lavender, the rosemary…….the roses.

All dead or dying…It is like a lot of MY best friends have died.

You may think I am ridiculous in connecting to MY home and MY garden in this intimate way…so be it…that is who I am….and how I feel.

It is heart breaking to have lost my sense of direction…and not know where to find it.

And not having the strength to feel that starting again is an option…
And hard for me to understand…
And hard for me to explain…

And yet I do feel positive many times……do feel the earth putting forth new shoots and new energy and feel excited.

Yet there are times when it all feels just toooooo hard…

when I don’t feel strong enough,
courageous enough,
young enough,
fit and healthy enough,
have what-it-takes enough….to climb that hill that just feels too high…

I guess all I can do then is just be real…

painfully, sadly and sorrowfully, Susie♡