♥LOVE NOTE – Monday June 16th, 2014
Yesterday was 22 weeks P.F. [Post Fire] ……..5 and a half months of heart break…….. Of soul ache.
I should have known. I have been feeling really. really. grumpy. all day. I should know by now……….I realize what I am really feeling underneath the grumpy-me is sad all over again at not having my house, not having my home anymore. It hurts. I hurt. I ache with the sadness. It is hard. Terribly. achingly. painfully. sad.
It needs for me to take the time to give it my full attention……
I am tired and weary of continuing to miss things and being reminded of more of the things that are gone……. more of my precious treasures and my children’s treasures and the legacy from their father that was to be handed down to them….and from them to their children…..and their children’s children……
Too many things from the first 25 years of my children’s lives and the 25 years of our history all together as a family……our history with their father, our beloved ♡Russ…..as well as the 14 years since then…… building a new life without him…
I hear people offering kind comments that I now have a chance to build my life again and there is a blank canvas and I can create anything I want. And Yes that is true. Yet there are so many things that I can’t create on that blank canvas…… Will never. ever. be able to create on that blank canvas…
I just want my life to go back to B.F. [Before Fire] ….
And right now is usually the time where I tell myself to get over myself and pull myself together, that thinking like this isn’t going to help in terms of moving forward, in terms of healing……in terms of being in the reality of what is……..
It is a significant part of the process….of the journey……to just BE. with the loss.
To say goodbye to the loss.
To mourn the loss……..over and over and over ……as long as it takes for you….
And there is such a deeeeeeeeeeeeep deep tiredness and at times it all feels too much to carry with such an emptied-out soul…….with such a broken heart…..
5½ months of tiredness and aching takes its toll.
Then I remember I am blessed, as I have Being-Grateful for 5 things as My Daily Practice, that I have eyes and a soul that can…… and does……. make a feast out of the tiniest pieces of Beauty….and that the Earth is generous in daily creating more Beauty that nourishes and restores me…..
One thing that you may not know about me is that I connect to flowers and plants and the earth in a very personal way, at a soul level…..in a sort of ♡Anne-of-Green-Gables kind of way ~
“…….I named that cherry-tree outside my bedroom window this morning. I called it Snow Queen because it was so white. Of course, it won’t always be in blossom, but one can imagine that it is, can’t one?”
….It is much like the way I imagine many of you connect to your animals……..and to the forests and trees and saving whales and dolphins or whatever is your passion and soul connection……
One plant I especially ♡LOVE and adore is the open-faced White Dog Rose and we were blessed at having a beautiful big climbing sprawling one at Warm Fuzzy which gifted us each Spring with an abundance of White Beauty…..I feel so thankful that my daughter ♡Zoe got to have this magnificence as the curtain back-drop for her wedding…..
But as well, I think I knew every Dog Rose that grew in the gardens on the main roads for miles and miles surrounding us ……I would look out for them as I drove or walked by and send out A Hello and an appreciation for the beauty each one was gifting us all with………
I remember how extremely shocked and outraged I was one day when one of my favourites, that was perhaps the biggest, most splendid rose you have ever seen, had been cut down and totally pulled out…….I remember thinking that it was like they had killed a very old, revered and respected friend of mine……It was climbing all over this very old house and the house had been sold and that too was to be demolished later on…….
How could they?
How could anyone not do anything but adore such magnificence!!!?
I was incredulous. I did manage to restrain myself from stomping up their path to find the new owners and inform them of how unacceptable their act of cruelty and destruction and vandalism was that they had done…..but only just…..
What I am noticing is I want to remember.
I can’t forget anyway.
Everything about me remembers….it is OK to remember.
It is sacred to remember.
It is healing to remember……to be reminded of Beauty. and ♡LOVE. and Joy. and Sanctuary. and my Safe Haven. My Home.
If you are afraid to mention the loss of my home because you think you might make me sad by reminding me that my beautiful home and gardens and all that Warm Fuzzy was, is gone, I haven’t forgotten. My home is gone. What you would be reminding me of is that you remember that Warm Fuzzy was a beautiful part of mine and my family and many others’ lives and that is a very great gift….
It lets me know I am not the only one remembering……
I’m not alone in my pain…..
Making the pain of the loss more bearable…….
May your soul be touched by places of beauty and delight…….. and feelings of gladness to be alive…..Blessings and LOVE, Susie♥
♡♡DAY 167 – 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign