Being real…I just can’t do it!…28 weeks Post Fire [P.F.]♥

LOVE NOTE – Sunday July 27, 2014

28 weeks Post Fire [P.F.]

I just can’t do it!……it is too mammoth a job and I don’t. have. what. it. takes. to. do. it………

I was over at Warm Fuzzy today and just doing a small job……raking up some debris around the place and picking up yet more rubbish left behind from the demolishers……… and wheeling the bin down the long driveway to the road for pick up tomorrow morning………..hardly anything at all in the big scheme of things!………

Yet I’m exhausted……. and a voice inside me is crying out…..

I just can’t do it!…..it’s too hard……

I haven’t got the physical fitness and strength to keep persevering, to keep pushing……..or the mental strength to keep overriding that voice and telling it;

It is not true…….we can do it.  One day at a time….. and there is no rush, no deadline…..

It is like I need to be so “up”, so vigilant…….. all. the. time. to stay on top of it all…..to stay upright and not giving up and crumbling and collapsing……

And noticing more and more of the trees along the driveway on the walk back…..noticing more that didn’t make it, lots more……that are bare blackened trunks and branches…….no little clumps of new green leaves sprouting on them…….some with wood colours showing through the cracked and flaking burnt bark…..no juice or aliveness running through them …….all mirroring my worn-out, weary, parched body and soul……

Maybe there is a part of me that has died in this whole process and I’m just too stubborn to admit it………….to allow it to be there…….I dare to ponder……

I find myself thinking of older people getting to that stage in their lives where they are just too un-resourced to stay in the homes they have lived in for years and yet haven’t wanted to admit to it……and how it’s just too painful even to think about moving into some sort of assisted living away from all that is familiar and loved by them……

I know that space of things happening to me that I keep ignoring and excusing, and acting as if doing that by itself, will make it go away……..like my increasing lack of being able to hear like I used to……….

I don’t know what it will take to either move forward and build a new home at Warm Fuzzy or to just say my time there is over and it’s time to leave….

Just the thought of moving on is another huge spiral …….
no idea of where,
no idea of into what,
no idea really. full stop.

Just sharing what it is like sometimes. It is not always I can do it. I’m being real. Being authentic. Being whole. All the parts of me. Not lying to myself or to anyone else. Not pretending so I don’t upset others or worry them or let them down…….making that gap smaller between who I pretend I am and who I truly am…….

It is NOT OK that my I-can’t-do-it voice has to yell and scream loudly for it to be heard. It is OK for it to speak softly and for it to not be questioned and cajoled or judged or dismissed or talked out of…….just to be heard and validated……..I’m worn out from holding it together…..of looking like everything is going fine…

My need is that my vulnerability, my not knowing, my I-can’t-do-it voice, my sorrow, my pain and that deep deep aching……for my deep deep loss…..is embraced and held with compassion.

It’s not just the destruction and loss of my house. and my land. and my home. but for the loss of my life as it was. Maybe firstly with the bush-fire and then with the demolition the old ♡Susie has gone, has been destroyed and bull-dozed away…. Is it possible to go back to being Before Fire [B.F.] ♡Susie…..or even desirable…..I am wondering….

Skimming back through my Post Fire [P.F.] photos it is interesting to note that 99% of my pics are taken of the new growth,……..or taking the destruction and blackness through the frame of flowers and green shoots,………..or the beautiful way things used to be…… or juxtaposed next to positive and uplifting words and messages …………..seeing through the eyes of Beauty and ♡LOVE…….

WFH-trees-shed

WFH-trees-new-growth

New growth is happening. will happen. it is inevitable. The seasons are changing. the days are changing. Springtime is coming. Beauty buds forth every day….

And still there is a part of me that fears I just can’t do it! ♡

AG-Life-is-being-good-at-feeling

 ♡♡DAY 208 – 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign

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About susiesheartpathblog

My wish with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart and soul and mind to your heart and soul and mind …..whilst sharing information and Resources about ♡LOVE-ing and Relationships and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS★…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and ♡LOVE-able… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ♡TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a passionate net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of Resources that are available – I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the Resources are there or if they do, where to find them. I love putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities….
This entry was posted in 365 DAY Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign, ♥LOVE NOTE, BUSHFIRE Destruction & Aftermath, GRIEF & SORROW♥, Warm Fuzzy Hill and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Being real…I just can’t do it!…28 weeks Post Fire [P.F.]♥

  1. A heartfelt post Susie. Sending blessings your way and renewed energy to make this journey for you better in some sort of a way. Much love, courage and faith to you. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jodie says:

    Hi Susie, thanks for your moving post. I’m sorry for your great loss, and I look forward to hearing more about your journey post-fire.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lisa Ziazan says:

    Hi Susie, it feels like it will never end doesn’t it and how will you ever feel ‘ok’ again. May you find the energy to keep walking forward. I too am holding the fear that maybe I can’t do it, I hang on, tomorrow being another day, a better day. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Penny says:

    I feel the same . Only my husband has had an affair. All the feelings you’ve mentioned feel very familiar to me.
    Especially when you say – Maybe there is a part of me that has died in this whole process and I’m just too stubborn to admit it………….to allow it to be there…….I dare to ponder……

    An affair in a marriage is not unlike a fire.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Robyn says:

    Susie – I cannot imagine how you feel. You have helped me take a huge step and I know you can take that next big step. Whatever you decide must be right for you and your family. (Here’s me giving you advice!) I’m so used to you appearing so calm and measured but I know you need to cry and go on that roller coaster that is everyday living after your loss. Tomorrow the sun will be shining on the yellow soursops and Warm Fuzzy will seem bright too. 💜💖

    Liked by 1 person

  6. dianepriestley says:

    thank you for sharing your pain and grief and despair so honestly Suzie. I hear you. I validate you. I empathise with you as you face so much loss and contemplate so much hard physical work ahead to rebuild. I send my love and faith in you and Shelton ❤ Believing in you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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