Tears of sorrow…my heart is grieving that we don’t have our Home anymore♥

♥LOVE NOTE – Wednesday October 15th, 2014

Hey dear Friends♡

I wanted to share how I am doing.

I do feel support and ♡LOVE coming from many people and places and it is soothing and lifts me up. I am very grate-full for the caring and checking in and blessings and generous gifts of many kinds.

And right now, right here, this is what’s happening for me.

Such a deep feeling of sorrow wrapped itself around me as I was driving ‘home’ to ♡Ivan’s this evening……..and was flowing around inside and all through me….. Not really sure where it came from…..what triggered it….what tender and fragile part is hiding inside me that I haven’t taken the time to notice.

Maybe it’s the smoky haze above the trees from the controlled burns of the bush they have been doing to prepare for summer…..maybe it’s the beautiful songs playing on the CD Bliss …..filling my car, filling my soul.

“…what should I do when tears of sorrow
just won’t stay inside these eyes…”

•*¨*•♫♪♡sings the beautiful ♡Lucinda Drayton…..And I can’t stop crying.

It is the first time I have heard this song in over 40 weeks… It is 40 weeks Post Fire [P.F.] this coming Sunday….40 weeks since the bushfire destroyed my beloved Warm Fuzzy Hill and turned my world and life upside down.

Before Fire [B.F.]  I played this CD every few days….at least…. One of my very best favourites. I’ve missed it.

I miss the Me Before Fire [B.F.] that listened to it…the Me that played it and sang it over and over…….that was carefree and untroubled.

What a touching gift it was to receive the CD from ♡Anita last Sunday. Beautiful ♡Anita, a friend of 25 years ago. Is it that long since we’ve seen each other or talked?…Yet somehow she knew this would nurture my soul and spirit.

She knew. I didn’t. I have kept forgetting that I’ve missed it.

Ahhhhh that is what is whispering to me…..that is what I haven’t been able to hear……the sorrow of my soul.

While I am having to take care of so much physical stuff…..of dealing with the demolition of our destroyed house and the cleaning up and clearing of the dead trees and bush….. and now the invasion of the ‘giant’ Springtime weeds which urgently need clearing….of gathering together new furniture and belongings and everything that goes into furnishing one’s life…….and planning things that I don’t know how to do……and consulting and conferring with trades-people and ‘designers’ and builders and real estate agents and what seems like a trillion different people……all with equally BIG amounts of tasks on an enormous To Do List that some days only gets things added to it….and looks like it will never get completed.

I am neglecting my soul.

“Where do I go with all these feelings…”

“Where do I go with all these memories…”

How do I describe that bitter-sweet feeling that stirs in my chest, in my heart.

“…..Where do I go when all these pieces
of my heart lay on the floor”

We dropped into the Community Connects Store today and one of the ladies there asked:
“Is your new house finished yet?”

I wanted to scream out the loudest Nooooooooooo!!!

NO-ONE’s house is finished!!!

What makes well caring people forget that building a house in “normal times” takes more than 10 months from deciding and drawing up designs to completion??

Let alone when you have gone through a traumatic time and don’t even know if that is what you want to do!!
– When your brain and body and heart feel like they have gone AWOL…
– When making decisions about so many things is magnified and so much harder.
In fact, many people haven’t even started building and are like me and don’t even know whether they want to build or what to build or where to build!

Stop! That’s it.

My heart is saying – We don’t have our Home anymore.

That is the saddest. saddest. Sorrow.
That is when the tears of sorrow……..“just won’t stay inside these eyes”

Sometimes my heart feels too fragile….too tender….to hold the pain.
Or is it my soul?

Right now my chest feels like it does when there is a pain and you want to breathe but you are scared to because maybe it will hurt too much so you hold your breath…
And this is how my brain feels…..
I want to remember things but it hurts too much so my brain holds still and freezes and the memories are there….. like they’re behind a curtain……and just flitting through ephemerally.

Flowers. And especially Roses
are the MOST precious way I have been nurturing my soul.

Every day first thing going out to greet…
and look at…
and delight in…
and smell and breathe in the exquisite perfumes and Beauty…
and pick a few blooms…
and tend to the roses.

I sometimes think I would not have been able to get through the last 10 months without flowers. There I’ve said it.

Maybe it’s the Beauty that I have needed to contrast with
the destruction,
the ugliness,
the emptiness,
the starkness,
the bleakness,
the Loss.

That I’ve needed to remind myself that Life is Beautiful…♡
Or at least, that Life was Beautiful…and that Life can be Beautiful.
Again.

This is how it is feeling now…

how it feels sometimes…

how I feel sometimes…

how I feel often, under the surface…

and just wanting to stay real…

I’ve probably said lots of this before….and I’ve needed to say it again….and maybe will again…….and I feel blessed and indulged that you are here reading….that is a miracle.

Grateful for the beauty and generosity that is in my life.
And working really hard at being Grateful For It All•*¨*•♫♪♡…. For it ALL.

LOVE, Susie♡