ways for men and women to ♥connect with each other

 ♥LOVE NOTE – Saturday August 27, 2011

Hello lovely Ones♡

This weekend we are once again privileged to be teaching a very lively and enthusiastic group of people who are participating in the Imago Workshop for Individuals –
Keeping The Love You Find
– which we are presenting in Mundaring in the Hills on the outskirts of Perth, Western Australia, which is one of our Home towns.

It is always a pleasure to be teaching this transformational work:

– Lots of ah-haaaaaa’s and openings into people’s unconscious storehouse of old beliefs about relationships and themselves and the way the world will relate to them and treat them.

– Learning ♡SKILLS and ♡TOOLS and doing processes that uncover and unlock the strategies they have been using to protect and hide the deeper vulnerability and unmet needs.

– Being surprised and stunned somewhat as they discover some of the beliefs they have been running their lives out of –  the unconscious agenda/baggage we all bring to our adult relationships.

And to honestly and with clarity answer the question:

“What is it like living with me; being in relationship with me?…”

And so now being able to make sense of why the destructive patterns have been repeating in their lives…

In this work we teach how to

trade in the magnifying glass for the mirror…

putting the focus on looking at ourselves and our behaviours replacing the all too often judgmental finger-pointing out…

It is so beneficial to have a number of different ♡TOOLS in your Communication ♡TOOLBOX so that you can create some variety in your interactions and your ♡LOVE-ing with your partner.

In line with the ♡FuN theme of yesterday here’s some information about a neat way to remember what are the best ways for a man to ♡LOVE a woman and for a woman to ♡LOVE her man.

It’s called ROCKSTAR and it comes from the work of two of our favourite colleagues and authors Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny from the powerful book they co-authored about what brings men and women closer and what tears relationships apart –

‘How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Love Beyond Words’
by Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny

NOTE that the paperback version selling in Australia is titled
Why Women Talk and Men Walk

ROCKSTAR♡

Ways for MEN to connect to A WOMAN – ROCK

R	Routinely connect with her
O	Open your heart to her
C	Contact, contact, contact
K	Keep it positive

Ways for WOMEN to connect to A MAN – STAR

S	Sex
T	Touch, touch, touch
A	Accept that you give meaning to his life
R	Respect his Routine

Ways for MEN to connect to A WOMAN – ROCK

R – ROUTINE -LY connect with her – brush your teeth, kiss your partner, turn on your computer, send her a loving email. Associate a loving act with an aspect of your routine

O – OPEN your heart to her – if talking doesn’t come easy for you – do an action like put a rose on her pillow, leave a note, etc

C – CONTACT, CONTACT, CONTACT – Women don’t like being left alone…..they feel good and loved when you pay attention to them.

K – KEEP it Positive – men don’t usually understand what an impact their negativity has on a woman. A man’s angry voice can trigger her fear response and dump cortisol, the stress hormone, into her body without her consciously being aware of it. Women need to feel safe and relaxed, secure and protected.

Ways for Women to connect to A MAN – STAR

 S – SEX – bonding chemical – oxytocin released at orgasm. Oxytocin – is the connecting “cuddle” chemical.

T – TOUCH, TOUCH, TOUCH – Men need 2-3 times more touching than women to build up the levels of oxytocin. Many men are touch deprived.

A – ACCEPT that you give meaning to his life. Women as a group don’t understand that they give meaning to his life – statistics are very high for this. When women are unhappy about anything – men hear it as somehow they have failed.
– One of men’s highest needs is to provide and protect.
– Men really like to succeed.
– Let him know what you want him TO DO – not what you DON’T want!
– Let him know specifically how he can help you.
– Behind all complaints, criticism and nagging is a NEED, a DESIRE. Share your need and appeal to the provider and protector in him.

R – ROUTINE – Respect his Routine – men love routine.
His routine helps him to feel connected to you.
Activities – DO something!
– watching TV together is an activity for him.
– You cooking and him reading the paper is an activity for a man.
– Doing a joint passion is great – especially if it is a bit challenging for you both and you really want to do it. For example: ballroom dancing, surfing, bush walking…..
The reward is even higher if the task is energising and challenging. His brain will move away from negatives towards positives

♥MIRRORING TOPIC: Share with someone what you think of the ROCKSTAR format above. If you are in a partner relationship share and ♥MIRROR each other for a minimum of 5 minutes about what ROCKSTAR means to each of you and check out with them if they would be willing to experiment with using this for a minimum of 2 weeks…..

Today’s Addition to my list of My ♥favourite things…..
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

I love this book and I highly recommend it – my copy has so much yellow highlighting and yellow sticky notes in it – it seemed like pretty well everything in the book stood out!! I will be doing a review of its main points in a future post as it has so many gems in it!

Sending warm wishes for much ♡LOVE-ing, Susie.