still homeless at 80 weeks P.F. [Post Fire]

LOVE NOTE – Sunday July 26th, 2015

80 weeks P.F. [Post Fire]…560 days. 18+ months.

Dear Friends♡
I was very moved by a post from a guy who downloaded an app for his iPhone that is counting down the number of days until his oldest son leaves for college. He had 2711 days to go. He is a father who has a bucket list of what he wants to do before he leaves. It’s a good read. See here if you want. It is inspiring.

I don’t think it is maudlin. Far from it.

It got me thinking about my house burning down. Most things still do.

For well over a year (without an app!) I was counting the weeks P.F. [Post Fire]. I stopped sharing about it the beginning of 2015 which is when I stopped writing daily….

It’s like I went ‘dry’. Or maybe it hurt too much to keep focusing on it as the days were adding up and I still wasn’t “over it”.

The first Anniversary – January 12th – 52 weeks – 365 days – came. And went.

I hadn’t recovered.

I was still counting the days, the weeks.

And then just a few days after the first year Anniversary – January 15th – my beautiful precious first grand-daughter ♡Tahlia was born. I had the exquisite privilege of sharing with my daughter and son-in-law and watched the miracle of her head crowning. as her head was born. as her beautiful body emerged. heard as she took her first breath. her first cry. marveled as she opened her eyes searching earnestly for her mother. my beautiful daughter.

It doesn’t get much more precious than sharing the birthing of a new life….now does it?newborn ♡Tahlianewly born ♡Tahlia Tahlia's birthday with Grandma

I started counting her days. the weeks. how old she was.

I remember thinking her life and her aliveness was somehow a gift to heal the pain…yet some nights I was still crying myself to sleep “behind my closed door”…..
(from my poem GRIEF ~ About my grief and doing it alone. The D word. 2000)

I lived with them for 7 weeks after she was born absolutely mesmerized and entranced by this little soul….thoroughly indulging my Grandmother heart….And again, I’m just back to Perth after spending another 4 weeks in Melbourne with them, even more rapt and absorbed by her….our delightful ♡Tahlia at 6 months grows more and more beautiful everyday….both physically and at a soul level. She has such a sweet and dear nature…

My beautiful grand-baby is teaching me another whole level of unconditional ♡LOVE and pure adoration and cherishment……She opens my ♡Narni heart wider and wider – by the way, that’s the name my daughter has given me as the Grand-mother …….And Grandma-snuggles-and-cuddles-and-smooches are sooooo high on my list of simply S P L E N D I D things to do. Such a treat!Tahli-Collage-July2015

Yet focusing on other things….. however precious and treasured …..isn’t the antidote. cure. remedy. solution. answer. to heart-break. to soul ache. Many things still remind me and bring tears to my eyes.

Not having my Home anymore still hurts. I still hurt. I still ache with the sadness. It is still hard. Still terribly. achingly. painfully. sad.

Everyday I remember. I don’t think it is maudlin. Far from it.

Many kind and dear people have been reading and have tenderly ‘held’ me throughout my grieving time……so faithfully and caringly and with compassion showing up reading my outpourings. 

Yet how does one really understand another’s world? Do I even understand my own world?

I hear messages like ~
‘you are strong’,
‘you’ve got what it takes’,
‘you’re more than your house/home burning down’,
‘you’re more than your loss’
……I began to wonder whether messages were subliminally placed and concealed in between the lines of the comments that people wrote or said……
or was/is it just me imagining, inventing, lost in some old trance?….

“Aren’t you over it by now?
“You should be over it by now, put it behind you…”
“It’s time to get on with your life”

Unanswered questions hover around…… sometimes like gentle murmurs on the wind and sometimes buffeting and pummeling and feeling like they are just plain shouting at me…

Unanswered questions about –
What do I really want to do with my life?
Where do I want to live?
Whether to build a new house at Warm Fuzzy Hill?
Whether to buy an established house like the one we saw at a Home Open last weekend that we both liked?
What to do with Warm Fuzzy Hill?

– WHETHER to build /  WHERE to build / WHAT sort of house to build /WHEN to build – to build or not to build!!!!
AND /OR
WHETHER to buy /  WHERE to buy / WHAT to buy /WHEN to buy…

Inside I hear the echo. the boom. the whisper. of dear ♡Mary Oliver’s words from her poem The Journey

“…“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.’

I hear “Mend your life!”

Some precious words recently received from a most dearest and wonderful friend of sooooooo many years…summarize what many say ~
“The magic of Warm Fuzzy Hill cannot be broken –
but a new era is coming to life…..”

People have so much trust and faith in my ability to get over it. To bring to life that “new era”….

And Yes this is Me… Me who knows what to do. Me whose life has been very vision and mission directed.  Me who is seen as being in charge. Me who can work out the answers. Me who is seen as knowing things. Me who dedicates herself to knowing things. Me who is strong.

Me who has always known how to “Mend my life!”

And right now I am thinking these are past tense. Me who was…..

I see how painful it is for others that I am hurting, that my heart is still broken, that I don’t know what to do to stop being homeless, that I don’t yet have the answers.

Yet I remind myself, I am not house-less…I do have somewhere to live….

Yet I am still homeless.

And still not being able to decide at 80 weeks Post Fire is especially challenging for me as my style throughout my life has been to make decisions very spontaneously and impulsively……being in the precious Now, having a high quotient of the curiosity and creativity ‘genes’…..and throughout my life it has been more about jumping on impulse and experiencing life as full of adventures and going on ‘quests’…..having visions and missions and dreams – AND following them……

And not having to have all my ‘ducks in a row’, nor to have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed, nor to know that things are safe and secure and predictable….And No that doesn’t mean I have been reckless. It just means that I like and thrive with novelty and mystery…

Sooooooo…

Maybe like the author above, I need to come up with a bucket list of what I want/need to do before I can stop counting…

Before I can stop counting. days. weeks. months. years. P.F. [Post Fire]

And discover what to do with the rest of my life. And know the answers to the questions…

A few lines from a poem called GRIEF comes to mind that I wrote in 2000 about 6 months after the death of my partner ♡Russ after 25 years of ♡LOVE-ing…(see more here)

“How are you going? They ask
they really mean
sanitize it
make it nice
don’t really show me
of your grief
don’t remind me that my Beloveds
will also die
don’t remind me of all my own
locked-up hurt
of all the times my heart has ripped apart
of all the times my world has exploded
just keep it clean
keep it nice
so I just tell you I’m going fine…..”

Thank you for letting me share again that even now ~

sometimes I’m not going fine...

and for the opportunity to truly pay attention and listen to myself…and to be able to have some self-compassion and trust for my process and my way…..

And being open and authentic and honest with you somehow makes it more real and more OK.

Reflecting and mulling things over,
LOVE and BLESSINGS….from a perplexed and still searching SUSIE.

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About susiesheartpathblog

My wish with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart and soul and mind to your heart and soul and mind …..whilst sharing information and Resources about ♡LOVE-ing and Relationships and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS★…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and ♡LOVE-able… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ♡TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a passionate net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of Resources that are available – I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the Resources are there or if they do, where to find them. I love putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities….
This entry was posted in ♥LOVE NOTE, BUSHFIRE Destruction & Aftermath, GRIEF & SORROW♥, Warm Fuzzy Hill and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to still homeless at 80 weeks P.F. [Post Fire]

  1. from ♡Nicole Ma:
    Thank you for the raw and honest words Susie…they are painful but.. then the photos of your gorgeous Granddaughter..what an image of Joy!!!

    ♡susiesheartpathblog reply:
    Appreciate you being there dear ♡Nicole and receiving with such openness. It is such a juxtaposition – the excruciating painful and the extreme of joyfulness♡

    Liked by 1 person

  2. from ♡Emma Van Dijk:
    You are a beautiful inspiration and a gorgeous soul…. ♡inspiring people to be and find love… Thoughts and love to you always.. x your post is heartfelt and so real.. thank you for being gorgeous you… ❤

    ♡susiesheartpathblog reply:
    Oh ♡Emma sweetie, your commitment to ♡LOVE and authenticity inspires me in return. I so admire your youthful wisdom and respect. Wrapping myself in your ♡LOVE and caring. Thank you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Emma Saunders:
    Yes. Yes. Reading your post, I could hear my resounding “yes”. l don’t think time heals. I think healing grief is an active process and it’s hard, confusing, messy and lonely. I love your posts and your honesty Susie. Sending you massive love and understanding as you find your new way. Xxxxx ❤

    ♡susiesheartpathblog reply:
    ♡LOVE ♡LOVE ♡LOVE dear ♡Emma. Yes to "hard, confusing, messy and lonely" and to getting "lost in the messiness of grief" and to it being "such a strenuous emotional state to move through" on top of any of the other "normal things" we have going on in our lives. It is an active process…… and I'm in a not-grateful-for-it phase at the moment. Your being there with your massive ♡LOVE & understanding and really getting me and it are life-lines or rather like a life-boat to sail along in for a bit whilst the sea is choppy and turbulent. ❤ ❤

    Emma Saunders reply:
    I understand being in a not feeling grateful for it phase. It's exhausting on top of all the demands of every day living. And there's no quick way through, no detour that shortens the length of the journey through it. The stamina needed to truly feel, process and move through grief is phenomenal. My heart felt heavy for you when I read "80 weeks". Eighty weeks of dealing with that level of grief day in, day out (with some days of grandmother joy of course!), you are feeling all of it and not numbing out or trying to leap frog over it. That takes some emotional stamina, Susie. You must feel so emotionally & physically exhausted by it. One day at a time. One step at a time. Huge love, Susie. ❤ xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ♡Rodney Northover:
    Stay safe Susie
    It sure is a challenge
    And a test
    You are doing so well under trying times
    Very few understand the trauma of having their home savagely taken from them
    Not in this country anyway
    God bless

    ♡susiesheartpathblog reply:
    That’s a good description ♡Rodney……”having their home savagely taken from them”.
    You know I don’t think I understood the trauma of it B.F. [Before Fire] either, even tho a few bushfires have come very close over the years. ♡LOVE to you and celebrating wonderful you for your special Birthday on the 25th. Have a fabulous year 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ♡Virginnia Kingsford:
    I love, love, love reading your blogs Susie! Written with raw emotion, authenticity and love! Thank you so much for continuing to share your journey! Hugs, V xxx

    susiesheartpathblog reply:
    ♡Virginnia, dear lady so glad to have you on the journey with me. By the way Big Thanks ❤ for your great invite to come to your farm next time I come to Melbourne. That would be wonderful 🙂 I'd like that a lot. Big ♡LOVE & hugs to you and ♡Andrew

    Liked by 1 person

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