36 weeks Post Fire…being really. really. really. REAL♥ AND why it is hard to move forward…

♥LOVE NOTE – Monday September 22nd, 2014

9 months [36 weeks] Post Fire.
OK, OK, time for me to be really. really. really. REAL.

I am over looking for and focusing on the positive.
over being  a ♡LOVE-Finder.
over presenting my confident, strong Superwoman part who can bend steel in her bare hands, jump buildings with a single pounce, do cartwheels and back flips whilst fighting a never-ending battle for peace, justice, ♡LOVE and Zero Negativity……and Being Grateful for it all!!

I am over sharing my 5 Things I Am Grateful For each day on the 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign Facebook page!
Gosh I’ve been doing it every night since June 1st. That’s nearly 4 WHOLE months and my brain is still NOT re-wired and neurologically revamped and refurbished so that I. am. happy!!

Nope, I didn’t get that right! Lots of parts of the world still look the same way! 

That makes me a failure at happiness rewiring 101!!

My QUEEN R-A-N-T part needs to write the post tonight as I am feeling so l-o-w that I just want to go to bed and never. ever.  get up.

I am over having to choose between this hot water system or that one, or this one or that one!! And multiply it by times what feels like a h-u-n-d-r-e-d different types! Do you know how many frigging ways there are to have a hot water system and types and makes of?
Too many!

W-a-y too many for me to choose one!

And feel like I am GETTING IT RIGHT and the next person who walks in is NOT going to tell me I’M GETTING IT WRONG and the problems with the choice I have made and why didn’t I think of______________!!!

And how should I know anyway????  I DON’T KNOW!

I am just a bloody therapist, not a house builder or an architect or a designer or a carpenter or a plumber or an electrician or a cabinet maker or a solar hot water company rep selling the range of systems they stock and it could go on forever. and ever. and ever.

About WHAT I AM NOT. and what I am not skilled in!!

I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!

I am well and truly o-v-e-r hot water systems and troughs and sinks and benches and taps and walls and doors and handles and floors and tiles and knocking out this wall and replacing these doors and windows and where to put these taps and pipes and waste and what cupboards and benches to build and where and trying to imagine fitting furniture and appliances into spaces that are too small and that are makeshift that people have generously donated to us and I’m over not knowing how much to spend “as you don’t know whether you want to live there anyway!!”

Or looking at homes to buy on limited internet plans (that we can’t increase!) and then traipsing around Home Opens or ringing agents to show us properties and houses.

But then……,
I don’t even know where I want to live let alone in what kind of house and for what reasons, do I?
I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life!
I don’t know where I want to do it!

And I am over having bits and pieces of paper and brochures everywhere with notes about this, that and everything littering and piling up so high that I can’t find what I am looking for when I need something anyway…

So much so that I am almost daydreaming about another bushfire coming and just burning all the bloody lot up and then I can just GIVE UP and GIVE IN and go and lie on a beach or in a hammock somewhere and it be legitimate for me to just be a tragic traumatised has-been for the rest of my meaningless life.

And I am sad and it is gloomy and miserable that I don’t have a father or a mother or a big brother or a little brother or a big friend or a little friend who I can turn to who knows what to do, and can help, and does help, and who is there for me and just swoops in like a good fairy or Superman or Superwoman or Wonderwoman and knows what to do and does it.

Phew!!

I thought if I let the Queen R-A-N-T part write and express her way of seeing things then I would feel better and then I would be able to get on with things.

But I was wrong, it hasn’t.

Yet I guess I’ve done one thing in that I’ve allowed myself to be a BIG MESS. Correction: BEAUTIFUL MESS 😊 and I’ve been real and open about it……….

Even though I’m S-Q-U-I-R-M-I-N-G thinking of the judgments that people can make.

Admittedly, I am not as low and gloomy and cheerless and a bit of my frontal lobes have come back on board.

BUT I. still. don’t. know. how. to make a lot of the choices that I need to make…… and it is tiresome and energy sapping to daily be facing choice after choice that I don’t really know enough about.

And it is tiresome and energy sapping to daily have to put that positive face forward; to stride chest-forward self-assuredly,confidently, chanting in my head

‘I CAN DO IT!’

when really being able to do most of the above, is in the league of:
– riding naked and bare-back on a sleek Black-Beauty-type stallion galloping across the moors, or
– hang gliding off the highest craggy cliff, or
– swimming with sharks, or
– lying in a Perspex case with scorpions crawling all over me (like the woman on TV did tonight),
None of which I did when I was 16 let alone now in my 60’s!! In other words

‘I CAN’T DO IT!’

So be it!….

I am grateful for you being a super-power (well you’ve read this far. That deserves a lot of credit in my book) and indulging me…… Let’s see what tomorrow brings and back to my mantra 

One day at a time!!!

LOVE from a very t-i-r-e-d Susie♥

♡♡DAY 265 – 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign – WOOHOO only 100 more DAYS TO GO!!!