36 weeks Post Fire…being really. really. really. REAL♥ AND why it is hard to move forward…

LOVE NOTE – Monday September 22nd, 2014

9 months [36 weeks] Post Fire.
OK, OK, time for me to be really. really. really. REAL.

I am over looking for and focusing on the positive.
Over being  a ♡LOVE-Finder.
Over presenting my confident, strong Superwoman part who can bend steel in her bare hands, jump buildings with a single pounce, do cartwheels and back flips whilst fighting a never-ending battle for peace, justice, ♡LOVE and Zero Negativity……and Being Grateful for it all!!

supersusie

I am over sharing my 5 Things I Am Grateful For each day on the 365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign Facebook page!
Gosh I’ve been doing it every night since June 1st – that’s nearly 4 WHOLE months and my brain is still NOT re-wired and neurologically revamped and refurbished so that I. am. happy!!

grateful-eyes

Nope, I didn’t get that right! Lots of parts of the world still look the same way! A failure at happiness rewiring 101!!

My QUEEN R-A-N-T part needs to write the post tonight as I am feeling so l-o-w that I just want to go to bed and never. ever.  get up.

I am over having to choose between this hot water system or that one, or this one or that one!! And multiply it times what feels like a h-u-n-d-r-e-d different types! Do you know how many frigging ways there are to have a hot water system and types and makes of?
Too many!
W-a-y too many for me to choose one and feel like I am going to be GETTING IT RIGHT and the next person who walks in is NOT going to tell me I’M GETTING IT WRONG and the problems with the choice I have made and why didn’t I think of______________!!!

And how should I know anyway????  I DON’T KNOW! I am just a bloody therapist, not a house builder or an architect or a designer or a carpenter or a plumber or an electrician or a cabinet maker or a solar hot water company rep selling the range of systems they stock and it could go on forever. and ever. and ever. about WHAT I AM NOT . and what I am not skilled in!!

I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!

I am well and truly o-v-e-r hot water systems and troughs and sinks and benches and taps and walls and doors and handles and floors and tiles and knocking out this wall and replacing these doors and windows and where to put these taps and pipes and waste and what cupboards and benches to build and where and trying to imagine fitting furniture and appliances into spaces that are too small and that are makeshift that people have generously donated to us and I’m over not knowing how much to spend “as you don’t know whether you want to live there anyway!!”

Or looking at homes to buy on limited internet plans (that we can’t increase!) and then traipsing around Home Opens or ringing agents to show us properties and houses.

But then……,
I don’t even know where I want to live let alone in what kind of house and for what reasons, do I?
I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life!
I don’t know where I want to do it!

And I am over having bits and pieces of paper and brochures everywhere with notes about this, that and everything littering and piling up so high that I can’t find what I am looking for when I need something anyway… so much so that I am almost daydreaming about another bushfire coming and just burning all the bloody lot up and then I can just GIVE UP and GIVE IN and go and lie on a beach or in a hammock somewhere and it be legitimate for me to just be a tragic traumatised has-been for the rest of my meaningless life…

And I am sad and it is gloomy and miserable that I don’t have a father or a mother or a big brother or a little brother or a big friend or a little friend who I can turn to who knows what to do, and can help, and does help, and who is there for me and just swoops in like a good fairy or Superman or Superwoman or Wonderwoman and knows what to do and does it.

Phew!!

grief-mess-GU

I thought if I let the Queen R-A-N-T part write and express her way of seeing things then I would feel better and then I would be able to get on with things. But I was wrong, it hasn’t.

Yet I guess I’ve done one thing in that I’ve allowed myself to be a BIG MESS. Correction – BEAUTIFUL MESS 🙂 and I’ve been real and open about it……………….even though I’m S-Q-U-I-R-M-I-N-G thinking of the judgments that people can make……

Admittedly, I am not as low and gloomy and cheerless and a bit of my frontal lobes have come back on board BUT I. still. don’t. know. how. to make a lot of the choices that I need to make…… and it is tiresome and energy sapping to daily be facing choice after choice that I don’t really know enough about…….

And it is tiresome and energy sapping to daily have to put that positive face forward; to stride chest-forward self-assuredly,confidently, chanting in my head….

‘I CAN DO IT!’

when really being able to do most of the above, is in the league of:
– riding naked and bare-back on a sleek Black-Beauty-type stallion galloping across the moors, or
– hang gliding off the highest craggy cliff, or
– swimming with sharks, or
– lying in a Perspex case with scorpions crawling all over me (like the woman on TV did tonight),
None of which I did when I was 16 let alone now in my 60’s!! In other words…

‘I CAN’T DO IT!’

So be it!……

I am grateful for you being a super-power (well you’ve read this far – that deserves a lot of credit in my book) and indulging me…… Let’s see what tomorrow brings and back to my mantra –

One day at a time!!!

LOVE from a very t-i-r-e-d Susie♥

♡♡DAY 265365 Day Being-♡LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign – WOOHOO only 100 more DAYS TO GO!!!

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About susiesheartpathblog

My wish with Susies♥HeartpathBlog is to connect and relate to you from my heart and soul and mind to your heart and soul and mind …..whilst sharing information and Resources about ♡LOVE-ing and Relationships and FULL exuberant ALIVENESS★…. My intention is to provide a space where you can engage with me and with the community of those who are ‘walking’ the ♥HEART PATH of conscious relationships….. people who daily make choices and actions about becoming and being more ♡LOVE-ing…….people who care that their partners and families and friends and the wider community feel ♡LOVE-d and ♡LOVE-able… people who are curious about and respect and validate the reality of ‘the other’ and who choose to create and live in a Zero Negativity Zone [ZNZ zone].... I am committed to teaching and sharing practical user-friendly communication ♡TOOLS and Skills and processes that lead to growth and deep healing, connection, ♡LOVE and intimacy. I am a passionate net-worker and committed to connecting people to the abundance of Resources that are available – I believe much of what we need is out there, yet people don’t often know the Resources are there or if they do, where to find them. I love putting people in touch with opportunities and possibilities….
This entry was posted in 365 DAY Being-♥LOVE-Zero-Negativity Campaign, ♥LOVE NOTE, BUSHFIRE Destruction & Aftermath, GRIEF & SORROW♥, Warm Fuzzy Hill, ZERO NEGATIVITY ZONE ♥LOVE-ing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to 36 weeks Post Fire…being really. really. really. REAL♥ AND why it is hard to move forward…

  1. Big HUGS and buckets of LOVE to you Suzi as you continue to navigate this beautiful (or not) mess you have been in. I have so much compassion for you and what you have been going through. Sending you vibes for a renewed sense of hope and many glimmers of light for you to grasp onto and fill your body, heart and soul with. Much Love to you from Canada. xxoxxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wrapping myself in your huge compassion and big HUGS and buckets of LOVE Suzanne♡
      “…..A renewed sense of hope and many glimmers of light” received and filling me up to the top……..I am ever grateful for your journeying with me dear lady….Much LOVE♡

      Like

  2. Suzi says:

    Thinking of you Suzi, your journey is certainly a bumpy one at the moment, I feel it will get better maybe that light is around the next bend when you least expected it and maybe you will not even recongnise it at first but it is there…..its always there somewhere

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks ♡Suzi for the reminder of the light ahead and that “it is there…..its always there somewhere” ……I so value how others can help us to shift our perspective and see what we aren’t seeing. It’s almost magical.
      24 hours later than when I wrote the post the light has been switched on again…or more to the point my eyes have been uncovered and I am seeing the light you have reminded me is always there. Big Hugs, with gratitude and LOVE Susie♡

      Like

  3. Hilary says:

    Thank you for being real.
    Sometimes it’s one hour at a time.
    God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Being not-real is too hard to do and takes too much toll ♡Hilary.
      And Yes I appreciate the reminder that there are times when ‘one day at a time’ is much too big a space – one hour….or one minute…… or even one second at a time might be what works. With Gratitude and LOVE, Susie♡

      Like

  4. Lisa Ziazan says:

    I know how you feel Susie! Will it ever end? I think so, it is just crap having to go through all the hard bits and keep motivating yourself to get up and do it again each day. Lots of love to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Lisa♡
      Let’s visualize a strong picture of The Ending. I’ll remind you and you keep reminding me……. There is the crap and hard bits and keeping on motivating ourselves and getting up and doing it again and again and again……
      and there is moving forward, and new permissions, and being guided and realness and grace and progress and ___________.
      We can do it 🙂
      With ♡LOVE and boldness and many new adventures, Susie♡

      Like

  5. ooohsusanna says:

    Ah Susie…sometimes a girl’s just gotta vent. I’m here beaming chocolate, wine, a trashy novel and a hot water heater in your direction. XOXOXO
    Oh, and a foot massage too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Perfecto ooohsusanna sweetums♡…….
      Right on dear lady! You are soooooo good at painting a beautiful picture. I did chuckle at reading your comment and felt blessed by you. I see chocolate, an engrossing ♡Jodi Picoult novel being read whilst lying in the bath covered with the sweetest aromatherapy bubbles swishing around in the hot water from the already chosen and installed hot water heater….followed by a wonderful foot massage…..WooHoo …..
      ♡Shelton can have the wine 🙂
      LOVE and kudos to you♡

      Like

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