♥LOVE NOTE – Thursday October 31, 2013.
Hello dear Friends♡
Big smile. Deep happy sigh. So glad to get your comments and appreciations of my recent brave post …You’ve encouraged me to write more…
Lately I’ve been reading lots of other people’s posts where there have been long Lists of This-That-And-Everything…..and More….
And it seems people can’t get enough of them…the Lists, that is.
And, an aside before I launch into my – yes you’ve guessed it – my offering of A List…..I’m gob-smacked at the things that interest people – haven’t we such an amazing world full of amazing people doing-and-being This-That-And-Everything…… literally mind-blowing!
Anyways, I thought seeing I’m The Relationship Educator/Therapist and ♡LOVE Spreader ….(a new ‘Official Name’ I’m trying on….what do you think of it?) it would probably best be A LIST about that. So here goes:
Today’s List of 30 Things You Ought to Know about Relationships and Love♥
1. For many relationships feel like hard work…… I am very sad at how many times I have heard that.
2. Marriages/ committed relationships do NOT last! It is all around us. A tsunami of evidence. TV, movies, magazines, break-ups of friends, neighbours, relatives and work mates… And happy long-lasting marriages are rare!
4. Happy long-lasting intimate relationships require:
– being available and ‘showing up’ every day
– your undivided quality attention
– being best friends
5. It is not just about meeting your Soul Mate.
6. When you have a good relationship it is the best part of your day, week, month, year, life. YES, indeed!
7. To have a good one we need to get a “relationship/marital road map” and a Communication ♡TOOL-BOX. No matter how old or how long you have been in relationship, everyone benefits from Relationship Education and needs to learn about what is really going on in relationships and what your marriage/relationship is trying to teach you and the TOOLS/SKILLS necessary to make ♡LOVE last. And Master ♡LOVERS regularly update and top up their learning.
8. Smooching and cuddling and snuggling and hugging with people you ♡LOVE is the best and is essential to wellness/life. And how wonderful that a 20 second hug releases the bonding hormone oxytocin which is Nature’s antidepressant and anti-anxiety hormone! What a bonus!
9. EVERYONE deserves to be ♡LOVED and to ♡LOVE and to feel ♡LOVE-able and to know that they are.
10. We are all innocent and precious at core and born to ♡LOVE.
11. Most of us learn reeeeeeally early that we are not ♡LOVABLE in some way(s) or another and that sticks to us like the stickiest SUPER-glue and gets in the way of really letting people get close to us and really ♡LOVE us and for us to really ♡LOVE others.
12. What people say and do says more about them
than it does about me…..
AND what I say and do in response says more
about me than it does about them!!
YES IT DOES!!
And it is sooooooo HARD sometimes / MANY-times to remember this AND to really believe this – Oh I wished this had been the FIRST-most-important thing I had been taught in Grade 1-Kindergarten-Pre-School-the womb as an essential, crucial, critical LIFE SKILL – Non Negotiable!
13. YES Dr Harville Hendrix “Conflict is growth trying to happen”… I just don’t think it is fair that we have to unravel and dig deep through all the muck of the conflict and complaints to grow! Why can’t it just be easy-peasy? Or at least a bit simpler? Sometimes?
14. When there is conflict between people there are as many different perspectives as there are people involved – ALL of which are equally valid!
15. Everyone’s perception is basically an interpretation – we interpret what we see. We see it through our own filter/lens/blinkers.
16. We are all wearing blinkers and have a Confirmation Bias – meaning we have a tendency to pay attention to and notice that which is consistent with what we already know and believe to be true!
17. We are quick to jump to negative stories we make up/interpret about the other’s actions when we are in a reactive and defensive state.
18. We often stay stuck in old stories (our S.I.M.U‘s – Story I Make Up) about ourselves and other people waaaaay beyond when they are no longer relevant. We call these Frozen Images.
19. The people who ♡LOVE us the most are the people who can/will hurt us the most, and those we ♡LOVE the most are those we can/will hurt the most – how foolish is that!!! This is one I hate.
20. How horrible it is that humans (yes, including me – still!) have the most amazing, astounding, unnerving ability to be hurtful and unkind?!
21. When we have the impulse to control or harm or hurt or be unkind or are doing any of these things it is a sign that our current state of Core Value is too low. It is telling us that we need more Core Value. It’s like a petrol/gas gauge showing that our Core Value is on empty and that we need to fill it up!
22. Often when we most need ♡LOVE we will ask for it in the MOST un-♡LOVE-ing ways and it won’t look at all like that is what we want!
23. Our brain is physiologically wired to create the life we are already living and to experience the ♡LOVE and relationships we have…..biggest Drat!!!
24. Our brain will automatically prime us to do the opposite of what we need to do to create Happily. Ever. After. if it is not already happening in our lives…..even bigger Drat!!!
25. It really, really, really sucks that our brains are NOT designed to scan for and hunt for the compliments/comments/input that builds us up – those that are positive and glowing and happy 😀 and generous – NO!! Those that feel insulting and painful 😦 – anything that even sniffs of us failing or coming-up-short in any way and we zoom in with the riveting attention of one who is spell-bound/mesmerized …. zoooooooooooom and often quickly followed by the arrow of self-doubt and self-hatred which pierces and stings….and gouges into our sense of worthiness and OK-ness – YUK! and YUK! again…
26. We are such creatures of habit that die hard that we ‘chose’ or were-forced-on-us a long time ago and will be such a curse when we want/have to change.
27. Change “demands clear intention, sustained attention and the conscientious day-by-day practice of new skills and unfamiliar, uncomfortable behaviour.” ~ Dr Harville Hendrix
28. To grow our relationships and change our lives we will need to:
– do things that we aren’t already doing,
– which will feel unfamiliar, alien, strange, weird, even creepy,
– mostly uncomfortable, difficult, awkward, unpleasant, even down-right embarrassing,
– won’t feel ‘like you’ and
– we will need to do them over and over….and over….and over…..and over x a gazillion times for them ‘to stick’.
29. If we don’t LEARN to do things differently we will keep doing what we are already doing automatically… and so continue to get what we already have in our life and relationships!!
30. When we truly, deeply, madly ♡LOVE and accept and approve of all parts of ourselves then there is NO conflict as we don’t have to disown and project the un-♡LOVE-d parts of ourselves onto others and we will be compassionate no matter what is happening – WooHoo!
Again calling on the wisdom of Dr Harville Hendrix – The degree of emotional reaction to a trait in someone else is the degree to which that trait exists in you, whether the trait is viewed as negative or positive…..
“The conflicts you will have with your partner are externalizations of the conflicts going on inside you. Whatever you either idealize or despise in your partner is likely to be true, to some degree, about you. To one degree or another, your partner embodies the denied negative traits you can’t live within yourself, and the positive traits you can’t live without.”
So, what do you reckon? Lots of food for thought, hey!
Some Questions for you:
Which ones impact you the strongest and how come?
Do all the points make sense for you.
Do you agree with them. If not why not?
Would you like to have any of these points discussed more fully?
Are there points that stand out for you about Relationships and ♡Love that aren’t in The List that you would add in here?
It would be of assistance to get your input and feedback in the comments. I am curious to hear from you. It helps me to improve my work so a hearty thank you in advance.
♡MIRRORING PRACTICE: Share about this with another. Have them ♡MIRROR you for a minimum of 5 minutes and then swap, or write about it in your journal if you prefer.
When you look back at the end of your life what will really matter? The quality of their relationships is high on most people’s list……I really get that in you being here and reading this post your relationships are a priority for you and I honour you and are so grateful for that. A question I will leave you with is: Do have everything you need to make your relationships all you want them to be?
I am worth ♡LOVE-ing deeply and so are you……Blessings, Susie♥
♡Couples Intimacy Retreat
Has your relationship had a tune-up lately?
It would be a privilege to have you join us.
WHEN: Sunday 1st – Saturday 7th December 2013
WHERE: Hummingbird Eco-Retreat, 183 Arthurs Seat Road, Red Hill Victoria 3937
DETAILS & REGISTER HERE