“What day is it?”
It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day,” said Pooh.” ~ A.A. Milne
Congratulations to those of you on Day 7 of our 30 DAY BEING-LOVE CAMPAIGN…..I’m wondering how those who have taken up the challenge are going? So how about doing a check in and review right now how you’re doing!
Whenever we set an INTENTION to do a new behaviour/action it is essential for our success to state what we will be doing in the form of a SMART P ACTION PLAN – this makes it clear what we are doing and as well it gives us a bench-mark to measure whether we are achieving it OR not.
In general, most people when they are stating what they are going to change in themself or also when they ask for changes from others are NOT skilled in putting it in the SMART P form. There were quite a few people who omitted stating their goal or focus for their 30 DAY BEING-LOVE CAMPAIGN in a SMART P form.
Why is this? I imagine you think you are very clearly stating what you want and need from others as well as what you are choosing to do yourself.
So two good questions to ask are –
Do my needs get met? and
What gets in the way of me doing what I say I am going to do?
Questions for you:
1. When you put your needs out to people that are important to you do they meet
2. Do you do what you say you are going to do?
This will date back to what it was like for us when we were growing up. A lot of people had inexperienced parents and other care-givers who were not there for them and did not meet their needs in a variety of ways – they may have experienced them as neglectful, invasive, controlling, rigid, dismissive, abandoning, insensitive, unavailable, cold, abusive……. and many other hurtful, wounding ways.
These messages may have come from their actions, their words, their tone, their body language, the way they looked at you…….like for instance – my mother had “a look that could kill” and it wasn’t about her being ‘attacking’ or what most would understand as aggressive or I can’t even actually remember her saying anything– it was her ‘poor me’-suffering-overwhelmed-I can’t cope LOOK.…..I hated it and it drained me and impacted me profoundly…my coping stategy as a child was to become a care-taker and it wired me to act over-responsibly in relation to the world for many years…
And imagine a little baby having to look into the face of their mother who has postnatal depression, or is busy, or who isn’t emotionally available for any other of a number of reasons….. they won’t experience themself as precious and being a delight and being wanted……. Whatever was surrounding you is imprinted into your brain and in fact, from earliest childhood your brain was actually formed and wired according to what was repeated…..and this includes being the young pre-verbal child experiencing whether you were delighted in and valued…. From a brain science perspective – what gets fired gets wired.
The child forms both a ‘self-image’ and a ‘world-image’ as they grow. You were taught who you were and what you could be in the world and what you could expect from others. We lived in families, cultures, ethnic groups, countries, etc which all had a great influence on what we thought, the beliefs and values we took on, and the behaviours that were OK and those that weren’t. What many people don’t realize is how automatically and invisibly
these childhood messages and conditioning are the foundation or blueprint for how we live our life today.
So there’s no accident you do what you are doing – you are physiologically wired to be who you are and to behave how you do. And the other side of this is the people who are in relation to you are acting the way they are because of the same reasons. As well you NEED them to be acting in the ways they are!! Yes – you NEED them to…..because that is wired into you as well!!!
To live a happy, peaceful and successful life it is important for you to uncover what is your unconscious childhood template of relationships,….what was surrounding you, impacting you, shaping you….Doing the 30 DAY BEING-LOVE CAMPAIGN will help you discover more about this and what drives and directs you…And you thought all you were doing was focusing your LOVE and caring on another…..Well anywhere you are getting triggered or
it feels really difficult you are opening a door and light is being shone onto something important for you to look at and explore.
I invite you to stay CURIOUS and noticing and naming what you see. It is not about looking from the position of pointing the finger or blaming or shaming or wallowing in the past, but instead to go on a treasure hunt for clues to which needs of yours didn’t get met, what parts you had to shut down or get rid of, and what you learned about what love is. Your parents did the best they could with what they knew. To quote Louise Hay, I believe – “you are always doing the best you can till you find a better way” and most of our parents didn’t have access to education of the sort that we have on how be in relationship and how to parent.
As adults we can live the life we want if we know what the link is and do the work to cut these unconscious ties to the people who were significant and impactful to us as we were growing up. When we remain unaware of this hidden agenda we keep on making the same moves and the same mistakes. In all our major relationships we unconsciously seek people who will treat us in the ways that the people who raised us did. This includes both the positive and negative ways. This happens in our primary love relationships as well as at work and in all the other major relationships of our lives. It takes commitment and courage to stay present and curious and open and delving into new more LOVING and valuing ways of being so you have my admiration and gratitude.
SOME TIPS/TOOLS FOR YOU for the 30 DAY BEING-LOVE CAMPAIGN or other New Projects
Start with a SMART P ACTION PLAN
1. Post your actions/intentions on the blog in SMART P form. Stating it gives it power and energy. If you prefer privacy write it on your diary or journal or somewhere you can see it. If you have already written it you might like to review that your goals are in SMART P form.
2. Be unattached to what ‘the other’ should do or behave in relation to your actions – and how they receive your acts of love. Anytime you have an expectation of how another should behave and they aren’t doing it, it is a criticism – even if it is just your opinion you carry inside your head! Be aware your expectations will energetically impact the other and have a good possibility it will induct/provoke the other at an unconscious level to do/behave in the way you hate the most. When there is zero expectation the other person will feel truly gifted by your sharing. True love comes from a full place in you – you don’t need anything from the other.
3. The ACTIONS we take create the RESULTS we get. If you are not getting the RESULTS you want what do you do?
You look to yourself and at the ACTIONS you are taking and alter them.
4. If you are triggered or reactive about ‘the other’ it is about you and your history and not about them. That is a red flag that you have some healing work to do on yourself.
5. You have buttons/switches inside you. People external to YOU can push them or switch them on but they did NOT put the buttons/switches inside you! They are reminding you that you have these buttons/switches inside you.
6. Ask yourself – what action can I take to remove and re-wire the switches inside me? It is counter-intuitive as it is always about us doing something loving and caring to the other who is triggering us the most – it is the very person in that instance we want least to be loving or caring or valuing to. If we want to grow it is doing something that makes us squirm and is hard to do.
7. A great new TOOL I discovered the other day is to ask myself: “does this get me closer to my goal?”…. Every task I choose to work on has to get a positive answer
to the question.
8. Make sure to include daily celebrating and rewarding yourself for your successes and your efforts. In most areas of life when you do a job people expect to get paid/rewarded for it. In personal growth areas people tend to focus on what is wrong with them rather than celebrating and valuing when they achieve their goals. Regularly give yourself – pats on the back, high fives, woohoos!, good job, gold stars, well done!, how awesome, you are amaaaaaaazing!, doing little celebrating dances, special treats,….the kid parts of us love this!
Question for you: What are different words and ways you use to celebrate and value yours and others’ success and achievements?
Ramona posted the following comment at my request for her to share about her wonderful and inspiring project – I recommend you treat yourself and go visit Ramona’s pages…it’s truly special….
Hi Susie! I’m doing this project to create a more loving relationship with my mother, who has passed away. She died of Alzheimer’s in 2002, but I’m doing this so that my heart can be at peace, because when she was alive, we did not have a good relationship. I want to remedy this through my version of your 30-Day Being-Love Campaign, which I call More Love for Amanda. Amanda is my mother’s name.
This is my blog and every day, I try to post a new digital scrapbooking page, which I create for my Dreaming Art Journal at this url: http://wildwoodplanet.net/blogs/blog5.php
Anyone is welcome to come over and have a look. Thank you for sharing this great project with the world, Susie! Big hugs Ramona.
So dear Ones, lovely spending time with you…may all your projects and life nourish and expand you and give you the opportunity many times over to celebrate your beautiful self,
Gratefully and with Love, Susie xx
“When you see someone putting on his Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.” ~ A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
“How do you spell ‘love’?” – Piglet. “You don’t spell it…you feel it.” – Pooh” ~ A.A. Milne
“Whatever we judge or condemn in another is ultimately a disowned or rejected part of ourselves.” ~ Debbie Ford.
“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~ Henry David Thoreau