♥LOVE NOTE – Saturday July 9, 2011
Isn’t it amazing how you can take any topic, for instance – SAND – and in a few minutes exploring, discover a whole lot of information and wisdom!
“To See a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.” ~ William Blake
“Write injuries in sand, kindnesses in marble” ~French proverb
“If you must speak ill of another, do not speak it,
write it in the sand near the water’s edge”~ Napoleon Hill
It is also wonderful if you spend say just 5 minutes and give your undivided quality attention and listen to another, how much you will discover about them.
A special EXERCISE to get to know the people who are important to you is to have them talk for a minimum of 5 minutes – or however long the two of you agree to – about any topic, and for you to ♡MIRROR them.
♡MIRRORING is the foundational ☆TOOL of the IMAGO Dialogue and all IMAGO processes and our work.
It is one of the most important ☆TOOLS / SKILLS in
Our Communication & Relationship
The position that works best is when you sit
♡MIRRORING is the skill of reflecting back, as accurately as possible, the message the other person sends.
You repeat back what they say without:
– adding or selecting out what is/is not important to you.
NOTE: some people teach ♡MIRRORING that isn’t word for word, but paraphrasing.
We find that with paraphrasing there is the hazard that the Receiver will unconsciously select out what is/is not important to them – and there is a very high likelihood this will happen when we don’t agree with or like what the Sender is saying.
There are two roles in the ♡MIRRORING process:
A SENDER – the person speaking and
A RECEIVER – the person listening who does the ♡MIRRORING
– in this process you CANNOT be the Sender and the Receiver at the same time – you are either one OR the other.
– neither of these roles is more important than the other.
– they are both essential to communication and connection.
– there are responsibilities for both roles.
Responsibilities of THE RECEIVER LISTENER:
– we connect to our ♡heart and mind
– we repeat back word for word what the other person says
– we are a “flat” ♡MIRROR – meaning that the emotional tone and intensity of the SENDER (the one speaking) are also reflected back, without mimicking or ‘parroting’.
“What you said was_________________” or
Invite them to – “Tell me more…..” (TMM) until there is no more.
Questions are limited to:
Did I get it? / Did I get you?
♡MIRRORING requires us:
- to really ‘show up’ and give our undivided attention,
- to be open to hear another’s view of the world – we cross the bridge into their world.
- to suspend our own perspective by putting our ‘tape’/reality on the shelf and let it just be about them.
- to listen with curiosity and openness and generosity
- to allow the SENDER to inform and influence us.
- to listen until we get them: we have followed their logic and we understand them – they make sense to us.
- Our goal is to VALIDATE them and let them know we see/hear that it is true for them….whether we have the same reality or not.
If you go into a dialogue and don’t learn anything new and haven’t let ‘the other’ impact you, we coach that you need to get curious about what is going on for you and learn how to come out of your own space/world/perspective/opinions.
Responsibilities of THE SENDER / SPEAKER:
- to talk about oneself, NOT the partner, making “I” (not “you”) statements
- Follow the NO SCABS RULE – we eliminate ALL THE SCABS – NO
C–riticism, C–ontempt , C-ondescension, C-omplaining
A-ccusing, A-ggression, A-rrogance, A-ssuming, A-ttacking
B–laming, B–elittling, B-ullying, B-arbs
S–haming, S–uperiority , S-neering
NO invalidating of ‘the Other’
- to send short amounts to not overload the other
- only speak about one topic at a time
- to NOT repeat what you have said
- to check the ♡MIRRORING and let the Receiver know whether it is accurate
- anything which is not clear or accurate in the ♡MIRROR let the Receiver know they haven’t fully “got it” and send it more clearly
We find that even if you’ve heard ‘the Other’ talk about this topic 100 times before, if you have the ATTITUDE that you are going to respectfully listen to what they share and hear their words and ‘story’ as sacred and precious, our experience is that
they will actually tell you something different this time.
Your attitude will energetically make it safe enough for them to ‘go’ somewhere different inside them and with you.
Pick ANY TOPIC – a different one each day for the next week/month/year.
You will get to know ‘the Other’ and yourself a whole lot deeper.
You can start with the ‘Sand’ quotes/topic above OR choose from the list below.
SOME TOPICS for ♡MIRRORING PRACTICE :
Rocks, Mountains, Trees, Flowers, Rainbows,
I wish I had__________________,
My favourite place to be is_____________,
Cats, Dogs, Horses, Frogs,
The Moon, The Sky, The Ocean
Joy, ♡LOVE, Beauty, Hope, Delight, Pleasure
Writing letters, Emails,
Kisses, Pleasure, Hugs, Sex,
Music, Singing, Dancing, Sports, the Circus,
Mum’s cooking, my favourite food,
My treasured possession as a kid was_______________,
My ultimate guest list for a 4 person dinner are________ I choose them because___
My last meal would be___________,
Movies, Books, Authors, Artists, Crafts,
My mother / father taught me_______________,
If I wasn’t me I’d like to be__________________,
Fragrances I like are___________________,
Where I feel the safest / happiest is_____________
My happiest moments have been/are_____________
or choose topics on ANYTHING…….and EVERYTHING…..
You can close your eyes and let your finger land on a word in a magazine or paper and speak about that. There are abundant topics to choose from.
While you are learning the ♡MIRRORING Skill our suggestion is to limit the choice of topics to ones that are as neutral as possible. Do NOT pick topics that you have frustrations with the other about.
NOTE: We teach a specific process and protocol to use when you are discussing topics where there are frustrations and conflict. Do note this is advanced work and you need to have mastered the basic ☆TOOLS for this to work. For more information you can check out:
It works best if you swap and both people have a turn speaking. Structure it so that one person speaks and the other ♡MIRRORS and then you swap and ‘the Other’ is The Sender and speaks and you listen and ♡MIRROR.
Or you can set it up to listen and speak on alternate days….so the focus is on one person speaking/sending at a time.
Be as creative and flexible as you wish .
Above all, be open and curious and ENJOY!
Doing the ♡MIRRORING process BOTH people learn to LISTEN and to SPEAK intentionally and consciously.
- parent to child,
- work colleagues.
I’m imagining your heart opening wide and filling up as you connect deeply,
“I love you, not only for what you are,
But for what I am when I am with you.” ~ Roy Croft
1. This post has a looooong list of topics:
a few of my ♡favourite things…
2. One of our Couples Workshop Graduates created A List of 90 Topics that she and her husband used for ♡MIRRORING practice and to connect with each other. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like a copy.
For those seriously interested in being the THE BEST PARTNER YOU CAN BE – Find more ☆COMMUNICATION TOOLS in these posts:
- Communication Skill – ♥Validation – what it is & how to do it. And who needs a HUG?
- The Communication ♥Toolbox & the ☆Tool of ‘Crossing the Bridge’
- Communication ☆Tool – NO SCABS Rule & end all criticism 😦
- Communication ☆Tool – My ♥SIMU – Story I Make Up
- Communication ☆Tool – SMART-P ACTION PLAN & ask…does this get me closer to my goal?
- Quickest way to improve and build your relationships & how to do an ♡Appreciation Exercise
- Zero Negativity ♥Zone – a crucial step to create success in relationships